Can you makeover your sex life?

Of course you can! That’s what I’m all about.

Essentially a makeover is when you realise you’re not living up to your potential in some area of life and you set about changing that. Many people simply accept their “lot” in life, excusing even the possibility of change with beliefs that: “I’m too old”, “I’m too poor”, “I’m too whatever”. Other people realise that we have agency to create our own lives, so it’s up to us to choose to be however we want to be. This applies as much to sex as any other part of life.

In fact, I think a sexual makeover is essential to any other life makeover. We are essentially sexual creatures, our sexuality is fundamental to our being, and therefore to our well-being. So if you’re considering a lifestyle makeover, you’ve got to include sex.

Sometimes people say to me that they’ll fix the other “stuff” before they address sex.

I say, no, Sex is at the base of all life! So start at the base!

Start transforming your sexuality and you’ll start transforming your life.

This is one of the things I love about sex. Once you really start looking at your sexuality and working on your sex life, everything changes. It can’t help but change. It’s potent stuff.

So how do you go about a sexual makeover?

As with any makeover:

1. Acknowledge that you need to do it.
2. Believe that it’s possible.
3. Clarify your desired outcome.
4. Get the advice or support or inspiration that you need.
5. Do it!

It’s up to you to take the first step.

From then on other people can help you.

So much of what I do is dispelling the myths around sex that hold us back. Anyone can improve their sex life if they choose to. If I can do anything for you at all, I can help you believe that improvement is possible.

Most people have no idea of our human sexual potential. There’s so little information around about what sex is, why it exists, how it helps us, how it can manifest. Most of the West still seems to be milling around primary school level, when there’s veritable post-graduate possibilities out there!

Clearly, I firmly believe in step four. Whether it’s private coaching and therapy, attending workshops and retreats, or reading and listening to books, blogs and podcasts there’s tons of advice, support and inspiration to be had. There’s an increasing amount of sex-positive information and services available these days.

Then once again, it’s up to you to take the fifth step. You can have all the guidance and support in the world - you’re the only one who can do it.

Transform your sex life - transform your life - transform the world!

Seriously, imagine if everyone in the world made over their sex life and was having great sex, how much happier would this planet be!

There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin:

There came a day when the flower realized that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming. 


That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. They can't bear being a tight bud anymore, they can no longer deny their need to blossom. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and to allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly.

Our sexuality is one area where many people aren’t open and honest and true to themselves. No matter how much personal development work they’ve done, if they’ve missed out this crucial part of themselves, then they’re never going to be whole and real.

You see, true sexual expression comes from a very deep part of ourselves, it’s probably the part of ourselves that is truer than any other part. Many people think our sexuality is part of our lower, animal side. I beg to disagree. I believe our sexuality is part of our higher human side, along with creativity and art and music and all those attributes of being human that come from higher evolution and bigger brain and more complex and meaningful existence. And just as it's important to tap into and express ourselves in those other areas of humanity, it’s also vital that we tap into the authenticity of our sexual selves.

This level of authenticity is tricky in a society that is juvenile in its approach to sex – more giggle and snicker than expression and growth.

So, if you’re on this journey, if you want to grow and evolve sexually, you’ve got to get past all the myths and crap in society around sex. Get over the limiting beliefs and lack of permissions, toss out the “should”s and “shouldn’t”s. Get informed, get creative, and get transformed!

Again, this is tricky in a society that has so little real sex education and inspiring sexual information. So, in my own little way I start the ripples that will become waves that will help turn our society into one where sex has its rightful place and people feel and express the love.

Getting back to my opening line, I see in clinic, in workshops and retreats, people opening up to possibility and realness. It’s so good. I love my work. I’m a small drop calling for sexual expression and sexual authenticity in an ocean of sexual repression and sexual distortion, but every little bit counts. And what counts is you.

The change starts with you.

Ponder deeply on that, then start to express yourself freely. Feel the love; feel the ecstasy; live the pleasure.

The fairy tales got it wrong.Two do not become one and live happily ever after. Two halves do not make a whole. Rather, two complete people come together and form a third entity, their coupledom. You, me and us. Not just us.

'Two becoming one' is co-dependence. Two becoming three - two self-reliant individuals and a strong bond as a couple - that's what gives security and freedom in life.

It's so important in life to know yourself, respect yourself and nurture yourself. I call this selfless selfishness - putting yourself first so that you can do your best for others. That applies to relationships as a whole, and also to the act of sex, where you need a ‘selfish’ approach to be real and connect from deep within, rather than from a head-orientated performance approach focused on whether you’re doing it well or not.

That requires self-reliance, the ability to self-validate, not requiring others to judge you from their own worldview and to decide if you’re right or wrong, good or bad. In intimate relationships in particular, people too often require the other person to make them feel good. They get into the relationship through their own sense of lack and needing the other to make them feel whole. But no other person can do that for you, it has to come from within. The expectation that your partner can ‘complete’ you can only lead to disappointment, with the relationship ultimately either continuing in a state of limited co-dependence or ending with bitterness and blame.

Coming together out of need produces a very different relationship to one coming out of want/desire/respect. Neediness based on fear or incompleteness, which is where so many of our needs come from, is not the basis for a good relationship, and therefore is a bad basis for a fulfilling on-going sex life.

So, take some time to muse about your needs. Are they ones that once fulfilled will lead to you being a more complete and self-reliant individual? Or are they ones that will keep you in a state of lack, incompleteness and dependence? Hint, if they are around material concepts, they’ll be the latter; if they are based on societal or cultural expectations of needs, rather than what’s real for you, chances are they’ll be the latter too.

What the world needs is self-reliant people. People who are real, people who trust themselves, and who can join with others in relationship, in family, in community, in work, based on strength not on lack.

There are some old sexual myths of men being “naturally promiscuous” to sow their seed, and women being “naturally monogamous” because it’s “natural” for a woman to be less sexual and on closer examination these myths have no basis in fact. The former because it is a misuse of evolutionary theory and the latter because it is based on historical suppression of women’s sexuality not their biological reality. (See A History of Sexual Misinformation for more on this.)

So what is real – are humans monogamous or not? Is monogamy a natural state that all humans gravitate to, or is it a social norm superimposed upon a different biological basis?

Well, it seems that monogamy is not biologically-based, it’s socially based. For an in-depth look at this issue I recommend you read the brilliant book “Sex At Dawn” by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. It’s a thoroughly researched and very entertaining read. The authors look at our biology, at prehistoric remains, at our closest ape relatives, at existing and recent hunter-gatherer societies, and present a very plausible argument that we haven’t evolved to be monogamous, that the concept of “possessing” a partner exclusively is a social development, not a biological one.

This is certainly a view that I had come to based on my own research and observations, clinical and personal; so it's good to see it reinforced by academics who have done the proper analytical research. So, if we’re not “naturally” monogamous, what does that mean for us? Should we all start hanging out at swingers clubs and inviting the neighbors over for a “casual drink”? Of course not. I’m not talking about going from one extreme to another! What I am saying is that we need to take the issue seriously, not cover it up with fear or power-based morality and narrow-mindedness.

These days we do plenty of things that we didn’t evolve to do, things that aren’t “natural” in the sense that we usually mean it - such as sitting in front of a computer. But if we stray too far from who we really are, if we go too much against our innate selves, if we start fighting our selves, then we’re in for trouble. To use the computer example, our bodies have evolved to be active, so even if we can sit in front of a computer, we shouldn’t overdo it. Overly sedentary people risk obesity, heart disease, diabetes and a whole bunch of other problems.

So, if we aren’t naturally monogamous, forcing ourselves to be monogamous is not going to work. In the past it was avoided by repressing women’s sexuality so severely that it was barely possible to be non-monogamous. But now that women don’t get stoned to death, or burned at the stake or locked up in mental institutions for being sexual, and now that women aren’t forced to stay in relationships for the sake of economic necessity, what do we find – around 50% of relationships involve infidelity (of which women contribute as much as men). And certainly very many people aren't monogamous for life, these days serial monogamy tends to be the norm, so while they might not overlap their lovers they certainly do have more than one.

I have come to think that as with so many other aspects of sexuality, we’re all on a continuum of monogamy, with some people being completely monogamous and others being completely non-monogamous, and most of us somewhere in-between. And this varies over time.

A small number of people manage to have consensual non-monogamous relationships, and that’s fine because in these cases it’s done openly, honestly and with continual reflection. Nevertheless, even for them it is challenging. All relationships are challenging.

If monogamy is your preference, the key point here is that we have to recognize that it’s not easy to be exclusive with the same person for years on end and have a satisfactory love life with that one person. You have to focus on it and work at it.

Some key points I believe we all need to take on board, whatever our preferred type of relationship is, are:

• To be less judgmental of self and others around relationship preferences and inclinations;
• To be more open-minded about relationship possibilities, if not for yourself, then at least with others, not everyone has to be the same as you;
• To realise that becoming more aware of your own sexuality, and therefore more open, honest and real about yourself, is a very good thing for yourself and for your relationship(s);
• To be more focused on creating an on-going good sex life that includes diversity and novelty.

I would love to see our society develop in a way that is more inclusive of different kinds of sexuality, including varieties of sexual relatedness. We’ve had a long struggle, which still exists, to open our minds to homosexuality. Now we need to open up to other aspects of sexuality, such as non-monogamy - as well as bisexuality, transsexuality, pansexuality, asexuality, intersexuality, kinky orientations, or any other orientation that goes against rigid definitions of ‘acceptable’ sexuality. As I say so often, as long as it’s between consenting informed adults, it’s fine.

Essentially, as a society, we need to be authentic, honest and non-judgmental.

 Sounds reasonable, but it’s such a big ask in this society, especially when it’s to do with sexuality.

Still, I live and work in hope…

Have you ever had a gigglegasm?

Do you even know what a gigglegasm is?

If you take sex too seriously, if you aren’t comfortable with letting yourself go, then you probably haven’t.

A gigglegasm is when an orgasm turns into uncontrolled laughing. It’s a wonderful thing.

As you know, I’m constantly going on about how sex is playtime for adults, that it’s too important to be taken seriously, that the best sex happens when you lighten up and play. An outcome of that approach is that you can start laughing and find it hard to stop. Great stuff!

Personally, I find gigglegasms generally happens at the end of a long love-making session when feeling high and completely spent at the same time.

One thing known to help keep people young, vital and happy (other than sex) is laughter. So when you get a gigglegasm going you get the best of both worlds – sex AND laughter.

You can have intense orgasms from sexual intensity, you can have blissed out orgasms from sexual sensuality and you can have gigglegasms from just letting go and having fun - which, by the way, can include the intense and the blissful too.

Hee hee hee.

Haa haa haa.

Ho ho ho!

Over my years of clinical and academic involvement in sexuality (not to mention countless hours of personal ‘research’) I have identified seven underlying elements to our sexuality.

These elements are all essential to having a strong, healthy, integrated sexuality. If you are weak in any of them, your sexuality will be out of balance.

These elements are also developmental, each element includes and transcends the ones before. If you jump ahead before you’ve developed and integrated the earlier elements, that too will cause your sexuality to be out of balance.

One: Self-awareness

It all starts with you - having a positive sense of self, centred, confident, balanced in your yin and yang elements. (Of course, we are never ‘perfect’, but without a reasonable level of self-awareness and balance it is not possible to be able to engage with a partner in a healthy manner.)

I call this your ‘Lady’and ‘Gentleman’ sides, someone who is confident, centred and self-aware.

Two: Discernment

Once you've got the hang of yourself, you need take that forward and 'meet' your partner - with equality, assessing for worthiness, identifying boundaries, co-creating safety so you can then explore with freedom.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Amazon’ and ‘The Warrior', someone who is respectful, discerning, relaxed yet alert.

Three: Lightness

Once you've got that connection it's time to play - and you're not going to be able to do that if you're too serious, too in your head, or too laden with negative emotions of shame or pressure!

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Bawd’ and The Merrymaker', someone who is light, playful, shame-less and creative.

Four: Compassion

This is where you open your heart and pay attention to your partner, becoming an

expert on her or him, to really know them. This element is other-focused.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Madonna’ and ‘The Lover', someone who is connected, compassionate, tender and attentive.

Five: Seduction

Once you’ve developed the ability to be other-focused, it's time to be self-focused, for the Art of Seduction is the art of getting someone to do what you want, for your mutual pleasure.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Seductress’ and ‘The Seducer', someone who is inviting, subtle, sensual, enticing.

Six: Virtuosity

Once you’re able to be simultaneously other-focused and self-focused, you can really start to master sex, to be able to lead and revel in your skill:

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Maestra’ and ‘The Maestro', someone who is skillful, commanding, responsible and honourable.

Seven: Letting Go

Once you can do it all, you can let it go! You can let go to your partner and/or to the experience. This is where you discover the transcendent, mystical, spiritual possibilities of sex.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Earth Gypsy’ and ‘The Transcender', someone who is open, vulnerable, porous, rapturous.

This is how we evolve in our sexuality. It’s not a hierarchy though, it’s actually a spiral, as the more we evolve through the levels, the more we come back to our Self, with each circuit of the spiral bringing a more aware evolved Self. It’s an unending spiral of growth and possibility!

To learn about this approach to growing sexuality, please register for my online course for men or online course for women (25% discount for both!) or come along to my Couples Retreats in Bali or Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountains.

I see a lot of couples who like sex, but somehow they're just not getting around to it.

The higher-desire person is perplexed as to why the lower-desire person doesn’t want sex more often, especially when both parties clearly enjoy it once they actually get around to doing it. And the lower-desire person is confused as to why they find it so hard to have sex when it’s generally not so bad, even brilliant, when they actually do get around to doing it.

And sometimes it's not that there's a higher and lower desire person, they'd both like the idea of it, but it's not happening...

I point out to them that having sex can often be like getting to the gym – you know it’s good for you, you know you’ll enjoy it while you’re there, you know you’ll feel better for doing it, but …it’s still hard to get there in the first place!

There are two principal reasons why it can be a struggle to get to the gym, or to have sex, even though you want to:

1. Too many competing priorities.
2. Laziness.

When you’ve got so much on, and life has become a constant juggling of priorities, it can be hard to set everything aside so that you can focus on sex, without the distraction of all the other things you could be doing. And then again you might just be too tired because you've got so much on.

Couples need to realise that for a lot of people, sex does get like this. It’s not that they don’t like it or don’t want to do it, it’s just hard to create the time and space to do it in.

If this is you: just as if you want to go to the gym, you have to set up support systems in your life that allow you to create the time and space for sex.

The other reason is simply a habit of laziness. Some people just can’t be bothered getting out of their comfort zone, turning off the TV and heading out the door to the gym or up the stairs to the bedroom.

If this is you: get off your butt and into the bedroom – before you get too tired to move!

Note: Of course, these are just a couple of reasons why people don’t have sex, but it’s common enough to rate a special mention. It could be you, or your partner, or both of you - so understand, and then make the changes!

Desire is a wonderful thing. Intensity is not.

When you desire without intensity, when you open yourself to your partner and invite them in, that is enticing. That will attract them.

But, some people have a more direct approach, and that might not always be appealing to the partner. Some people come on too strong right from the first approach, and others try harder and harder if they feel they’re not getting the response they want.

If your partner isn’t responding as enthusiastically as you might hope for when you express your desire for them, it’s understandable that you might try harder. Unfortunately, that tends to come across as intensity and often causes your partner to back further away and be less forthcoming. So, you try harder and harder… until you give up. Then you back off completely and offer your partner nothing. It’s kind of like: “If you’re not going to play with me, then I don’t want to play with you!” Which is about as mature as the childish tone implies.

You’re not in the playground anymore, so you need more mature ways of relating. It’s not either-or. It’s not either I come on strong or I back off completely, either the energy is intense or it’s non-existent.

What we need is a balance. We need to be welcoming. We need to open our hearts and our arms to our partners and draw them to us.

Think of a delicious chocolate cake. You like the chocolate cake and want to share it with your partner. He or she probably likes the chocolate cake too, but not if you shove it in their face saying: “Eat the chocolate cake!! It’s really good chocolate cake!! Eat it!! Eat it!!” That will definitely turn them off eating the chocolate cake, no matter how much they like it.

But if you were to hold the cake a little way away from them and say: “Mmm-mmm, look at this delicious chocolate cake, doesn’t it look delicious? Imagine biting into it and tasting the sweet creamy texture, feeling it melt in your mouth. Mmm, would you like to share some with me? Here, let me cut a piece for you…” Your partner would be far more likely to want a piece.

It is possible of course that he or she might not be hungry, or might have had enough chocolate cake for the time being, so they might say no. In that case though, because of the charming way you’re presenting the cake, they will say no politely and kindly and quite possibly be open to cake a little later.

Do you see the point I’m making? Intensity repels and enticement attracts, regardless of how desirable the thing being offered might be. This applies to sex as much as anything else.

So, if you find your partner is recoiling from your advances…

…calm down, pull back a little and charm your partner, be alluring and enticing and draw him or her towards you.

This is the art of seduction and the key to being a great lover.

When you feel sexy, you are sexy.

Notice that I say when you feel sexy, not when you look sexy. You might also look sexy, but the important thing is that you feel sexy.

Just looking sexy is a superficial thing. You can try all you like with the latest fashions, gym workouts or even cosmetic surgery to look sexy. Until you feel sexy though, you won’t be sexy.

Those things can certainly help you feel sexy, no doubt about it. For many people, being in shape, wearing nice clothes, even a nip and tuck here and there can do a lot to make them feel good about themselves. Being healthy, being in shape, looking good, all contribute.

That’s not enough though. There are plenty of good-looking well-dressed people who somehow just aren’t particularly sexy (unless you think Ken and Barbie are sexy). And there are plenty of people who don’t look or dress the part of ‘sexy’ yet are really hot - or beguiling or enchanting or desirable in some indescribable way.

These people are being sexy. They’re not trying to be sexy they just are.

Truly sexy people don’t try hard, they simply be who they are. They make themselves feel good on the inside. They turn themselves on.

Anyone can do this, regardless of looks, age, size. Do the things that make you feel good (as long as they’re legal of course!) - really good. I don’t mean get drunk so you don’t have to face reality, I mean make your reality good: with positive attitudes and positive living, purpose and meaning, savouring life.

Do this and you will feel positive and happy, and you’ll project a great vibe and then the world will turn on to you!

I was in session with a couple recently, looking at some challenging aspects of their relationship, when one of them said: ‘I guess you have to wade through your shit to get the insights to make change…’ and I responded with: ‘You’re not wading through it, you’re composting it!’.

They loved the analogy! And it’s a good one. We’ve all got our shit – defences, traumas, fears, confusions, resentments - that has accumulated over our history. If you don’t deal with it, it ferments and turns bad. But if you do deal with it, you are composting it, turning it into fertilizer for new growth.

I like food analogies when talking about sex, and I like gardening analogies when talking about relationships, because a good relationship needs cultivating. Like a garden, it needs constant tending – pulling up the weeds, pruning here and there, moving things around, adding new plants at times, and always watering and fertilizing to keep everything blooming. Otherwise ,it withers and dies.

Too many people put huge amounts of focus into other parts of life – work, health, friends, family, hobbies – and then wonder why they don’t have a good relationship. It has become a withered garden, dying from lack of nurturance.

As I’ve written elsewhere, a good relationship is a high-maintenance relationship, it takes focus, time, attention – and you have to pull out those weeds and compost them! It’s the best fertilizer there is.

So don’t shy away from your shit, use it for insight and growth!


If you need help with the composting, book in for sessions at my LoveLife Clinic, or come to a Couples Retreat!