I detest the use of the word “penetration” in relation to intercourse.

It’s such an aggressive term. Think about it: what’s a woman going to do if she’s about to be penetrated by a penis? Raise the barricades! Batten down the hatches! Start defensive maneuvers! She’s certainly not going to open up, invite in and welcome the penis into her depths.

I’ve helped numerous women overcome their fear of sex, painful intercourse and vaginismus simply by changing their language around sex.

Even for women without sexual fears, thinking about intercourse as penetration can cause a hardening of the vagina and tensing of the genital area. And causes her to guard herself against the man.

For good sex you want the woman to open herself to her man and invite him in. She needs to be good and ready so that she really wants his penis inside her. If she’s not ready and yearning for it then sex is not going to be good.

Good sex is about two people connecting. The penis enters the vagina and the vagina envelops and embraces the penis.

It’s a two-way, mutual experience.


Sure, sometimes there are times when you want a quick wank, just as stress release or to rid yourself of a persistent urge. But for a man who wants to be a great lover, someone who is in tune with his sexuality and can make awesome love with his partner, what you really want is ‘solo cultivation’.

This term comes from the Taoist (Chinese) sexual practices. It essentially means you are masturbating to improve yourself. The furtive wank in front of the computer watching three barbie doll look-alikes pretend to be getting off on each other is fine, but it’s not improving yourself. It’s a bit like grabbing a take-away hamburger from a fast-food chain - that’s not great nutrition, it’ll get you by when you’re desperate for a feed, but you won’t develop a great body from it. Wanking to porn as opposed to mindful masturbation is the same.

We don’t generally think of masturbation as a way to better yourself, so this will take a bit of mind shift.

First, you need to make time and space, and move away from the computer (or other device). Be somewhere comfortable, such as sitting in an armchair or reclining on a pile of pillows on your bed, and make sure it’s a chilled environment, maybe play some cool music.

Do some belly breathing for a few minutes, nice and slow, to get yourself relaxed. Then do a body scan, where you bring your focus to all the parts of your body, from toes through to tips of your fingers and top of your head, noticing where there’s tension and consciously relaxing those parts.

When it feels right, take hold of your penis, and bring your attention to it. Breathe into your penis and really connect with it, feeling that you and it are a team. Start moving in a pleasurable way, no rush.

Then as you play with yourself do the following (this can be over many sessions, not necessarily all at once):

• Notice how aroused you are on a scale of 1-10.
• Practice raising and lowering your level of arousal, with hand motion, pace and rhythm and your thoughts.
• See if you can hang around the 7-9 level, as though you are swimming in the pleasure.
• When you find yourself getting excited, notice how your energy rises in your body and practice lowering it by belly breathing.
• Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles at various levels of arousal and see if you can get a sense of drawing the sexual energy inwards, so that the pleasure stays in the body rather than being drawn outward.
• Imagine you’re breathing your sexual energy up your spine, over the top of your head and down your front. Practice doing this closer and closer to the point of orgasm, seeing if you can feel orgasmic sensation without ejaculation.
• Once you do ejaculate (and you don’t have to) continue to have a sense of drawing the energy in and allowing the pleasure to suffuse your whole body. Stay there for a little while, enjoying the sensation, continuing to breathe.

The benefits to practicing masturbation like this are that you’ll:

• become more connected with your penis,
• stay present and focused during sex,
• be more in tune with your partner,
• be more in your body and less in your head during sex so it will flow more naturally,
• stay erect more easily (and be less fussed if your erection rises and falls),
• last longer if you come quickly,
• come faster if you take too long.

So, get cultivating!

There are many aspects to becoming sexually empowered, whatever your gender, and one of the key elements is pleasure. And the thing about pleasure, is that it's not a nice-to-have or reward-if-you’re-good. In fact, our bodies thrive on pleasure...

… if we are open to them.

Our bodies thrive on pleasure. When we experience pleasure we keep the happy hormones flowing. We feel calm, connected, in the flow, so life is good.

But so many of us busy, harried, stressed-out modern humans have lost touch with the ability to enjoy simple pleasures. So we go into a mad oscillation of stress and tension counteracted (or so we think) with intense “pleasures”, such as partying, porn, drugs, high-energy work-outs, entire tubs of triple choc ice-cream, or vegetating mindlessly in front the TV. We seek out pleasure through either zoning out or through hyper-intensity.

True pleasure though, is not about zoning out, it’s about being very present, very aware of sensual feeling; and it’s not about intensity, it’s about honing in to the exquisiteness of subtlety.

It’s like sex. Too many of us have lost the ability to feel subtle sexual pleasure, we feel it has to be intense or we don’t feel anything. But that approach to sex actually numbs us to true sexual, sensual pleasure, and requires ever more intense stimulation to feel any pleasure at all.

The more you develop your skill in experiencing subtle pleasure (yes, it is a skill), the more powerful the sensation will be. You’ll find that one mouthful of triple choc ice-cream will be a delight, a whole tub will be revolting; you will find the crassness of porn a turn-off in comparison to delightful connection with your real-life lover; a walk in the evening will be far more appealing than hours of mindless TV; you’d rather go hungry than eat fast food; you’ll get high on life and not need artificial stimulants.

Wake yourself up, physically and mentally, to true pleasures. Most of these are small, simple and subtle. They are also frequent. You’ll be healthier and you’ll be happier. These pleasures make you smile, you laugh freely and have an open, kind and generous spirit.

And sex, well, sex enters a whole new dimension of sensation…. 

Spiritual sex is playful sex.

Because spirituality is about lightness, joy, relishing the spice of life. Our spirits love to play.

You can tell a truly spiritual person because they are light, they smile, they feel the lightness of being, the joy of existence.

The Hindu term ‘leela’ reflects this concept, that life is play. Without attachment and heaviness we can be playful.

It’s not just eastern traditions that recognise it, many of our great Western thinkers discovered the same thing:

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."

         George Bernard Shaw

"The true object of all human life is play."

           G. K. Chesterton

“The most evident token and apparent sign of true wisdom is a constant and unrestrained rejoicing.”  Montaigne

And to quote me: “Sex is playtime for grown-ups!”

We’ve been blessed with bodies that experience pleasure, minds that are creative and spirits that love to play. Life is meant to be the combination of all three, and sex, the source of life, the base of life, is most definitely all three.

I’m always stressing that sex is playtime for grown-ups. Sex is about sharing pleasure. That means being creative and experimental and generally having fun with the whole thing.

One element of playtime is…toys! Yes, just as kids can play with toys, so can we grown-ups. It’s fun!

Occasionally people say to me, ‘But it’s unnatural to use sex toys’. Oh, for heaven’s sake, so is using a toothbrush, but I’m sure you use one every day.

In fact, I doubt sex toys are ‘unnatural’ at all, I’m sure they go back as long as humans have existed. One of the outstanding features of humans is our ability to be creative and devise tools and gadgets. Phallic shaped artefacts have been found all over the world from ancient times, and while the archeologists might call them ‘objects of worship’ or similar, I’m quite sure they had a more ‘practical’ use as well…

These days there are a huge number of toys available for us to play with:

· There are various vibrators for clitoral stimulation, vibrators and dildos for internal stimulation (front and back-door, for him as well as her – if you’re up for it, and there’s absolutely no pressure there), cock-rings for his and her pleasure.

· Then there are all sorts of lotions and potions and ticklers and other yummy things for sensual play (my favourite sex toy at the moment is candles that melt into massage oil – so warm and sensual!).

· There are items to restrain your partner, from feathered handcuffs and silken blindfolds to some seriously hardcore chains and things.

· There are dress-ups and costumes for role-plays and simply for sexy dressing (and un-dressing!)

· And I’d include erotic literature too, because that can either inspire you in your sexual play, or become part of it – reading erotica aloud while your partner tries to distract you can be a lot of fun…

Using toys in your sexual play can free you up to be more playful, more expressive and through that to have a more connected and pleasurable experience.

What type of toys you get is completely up to you. Go on-line and have a browse, that in itself can be a fun activity. You’ll learn a lot about yourself and your partner doing that. Remember always to take things lightly – it’s no different to browsing the smorgasbord at a restaurant.

An on-line store I highly recommend is: Max Black - www.maxblack.com.au. This is because this site (and also the store) is classy and tasteful and the products are top quality.

What do I mean by classy, tasteful and top quality? Well, for a start, the aesthetics. Call me a snob, but I always say that if you can’t put your sex toy on your mantlepiece it’s too tacky.

Just as important is the material they’re made from. Sex toys are supposed to enhance your life, so make sure they’re healthy – avoid any made with the plastic softener called phthalates, they’ve been found to cause cancer. (Phthlates have been banned in Australia in children’s toys, that same respect for health has not been extended to adult’s toys. Yet another example, I think, of the powers that be not taking sex seriously. Like not having sex therapy rebated on Medicare – ahh, but that’s another story and I’ll get off my soap box now.)

So, get shopping, get creative and play!

The poor anus, it can get left out. The whole body is responsive to touch and pleasure, and the anal area more so than most, yet it has a reputation for being ‘dirty’ and for anal play to be somewhat ‘sordid’. But think of deep connection, waves of pleasure, ecstatic thrills throughout your body.

…that sounds beautiful and desirable, but does it sound anal? Not if your idea of anal sex is something that’s dirty or sordid. Yet it’s perfectly possible to include ‘backdoor’ pleasures within a sensual, connected approach to sex.

The whole pelvic region area is so full of good bits - masses of nerve endings, engorging material - that with the right approach almost any stimulation in the area can feel good, including anal.

Stress the phrase: “with the right approach”.

For a start, if you’re not interested, you’re not interested, and if your partner is not interested, that’s fine, there’s no reason why anyone should like anal play if it’s not their thing. It would be like trying to force someone to like Brussels sprouts. Although having said that, it’s possible they don’t like Brussels sprouts because of the way they are cooked. Brussels sprouts that have been boiled to death are horrible. If they’re lightly steamed then sautéed with some garlic and bacon, well, that’s a whole other story…

So just because you think you’re not interested in anal play, it could be because you’ve never tried it lightly steamed then sautéed, so to speak. That is, it could be your approach.

Anal play can only be enjoyably indulged in when you are very aroused. It has to be something that you really want to do. Forced anal sex, and by that I mean forcing yourself when you’re not ready, is never going to be good. That will make you feel dirty and sordid. Do it when you are highly aroused, feeling deeply connected, and approach it with sensuality and desire, however…then that’s a whole different story.

So, make sure there’s plenty of yummy activity before you even consider it. Then gradually introduce some light touching on the outside; increasing to some gentle probing, and only if the person really wants it would you go deeper inside. Keep in mind this could take months or years to get to this point, if ever. If you just like some light external stimulation, that’s great, that’s all you ever need do.

If you do feel like internal stimulation though, then go for it. There are two rules. One is that anything that goes inside an anus must not then go inside a vagina, as you’ll transfer germs. So, either put a condom over the finger, toy or penis that is going into the anus and remove it before inserting into a vagina, or keep some wet-wipes handy and give it a good clean (soap and water is best).

Second must-obey rule, is that if you’re using a toy, make sure it has a handle so there’s no way it can get lost inside. An embarrassing trip to casualty to retrieve the missing object would not be pleasant…

To get used to having something inserted in your back end, start small, and go gradually. As the item is going in, relax and push out gently with your anal muscles, then pull in. Feel like you’re drawing the item in, rather than it being forced in. It’s always tricky until you get through the sphincter muscle, then it’s usually easier. If you’re the one doing the inserting, avoid going too intensely once you’re in. If you want the delicious ecstatic type feelings, then you need to keep the stimulation to a minimum.

(You can of course engage in harder, ‘dirtier’ anal play if that’s what turns you on, my point is that it doesn’t have to be done that way.)

Plenty of people, male and female, enjoy anal play. It can be great combined with other oral or manual stimulation or when playing when toys. It certainly doesn’t have to be with a penis, or with something penis-sized - unless you like that! There’s no end goal, bigger is not better, it’s just whatever gives you pleasure.

So don’t leave your poor anus out of your sexual play! It might like to play too. And you might find all sorts of new and wonderful experiences and sensations opening up if you do!

I was chatting to a good friend recently who, like many people, loves sex and loves the general topic of sex. He was musing on whether he might possibly be a sex addict given that he’s so fascinated, possibly even obsessed, by the topic. My reply was: “I hope not, because that would make me one too!”

It got me thinking, because I have done on-line “Are you a Sex Addict’ type quizzes, and according to some of them I certainly would be a sex addict because thinking about sex takes up so much of my time and sex in general plays such a big part of my life.

But there’s a big problem with these quizzes, and this extends to our attitude to sex in general, and that is that the questioning tends to be around the quantity of sex or sex-related activity and thought, rather than the quality. Lots of sex does not a sex addict make. It’s the approach that matters.

I got to thinking about a food analogy. I often use food analogies when talking about sexual issues. I do this mainly to remove the social stigmas, assumptions, beliefs, and so forth, that get in the way of assessing sexuality in a non-judgemental manner.

If someone watched Masterchef assiduously, never missed Iron Chef, subscribed to a myriad of food magazines and poured over them for hours on end, planned elaborate meals, experimented with new ingredients, loved to talk about food as much as preparing and eating it – would that make them a food addict? No.

If someone couldn’t stop eating and didn’t care about what they ate, craved eating, needed it to satisfy an unending hunger, to the point that it affects the quality of life, would that make them a food addict? Yes.

It’s essentially the difference between being a gourmet or a glutton.

A gourmet is a connoisseur of food, someone with a discerning palate. A gourmet savours food, enjoying the intensities and the subtleties. A gourmet is closely in touch with the effect of the food on their own well-being, he or she won’t overeat because that would affect their enjoyment of the food. A gourmet might enjoy the exotic and elaborate but will equally revel in the simple. A gourmet will also pay attention to the context of the food, the presentation, and the atmosphere, understanding that the experience of eating is more than just the food itself.

A glutton is a gorger of food, all they’re interested in is the quantity. There’s no self-restraint, it’s just a matter of if they want it, they’ll eat it. A glutton is not able to appreciate the finer nuances of food, is oblivious to the surroundings, doesn’t care. Food is not indulged in to add to the overall and long-term quality of life, only the immediate gratification of eating.

It’s the same with sex. Someone who is a connoisseur of sex is interested in savouring sex, regardless of the type of sex - whether it’s a late-night cuddle under the covers or a weekend of erotic delights. It’s the quality that counts, not the quantity. They know how much is enough because they’re in tune with the subtle aspects of sex.

A glutton of sex just wants more and more and is never satisfied, so it impacts on the quality of their life.

I was explaining this to a client recently, who was telling me how his sexual self-confidence was non-existent as his recently ex-partner insisted on hours of sex at a time and was never satisfied, no matter how many orgasms she had or what they did, she always wanted more, more, more. The thing is that they both liked lots of sex, both liked a wide range of sexual activities, the difference was that she went at it with avaricious intensity and could never get enough – your typical glutton, whereas he wanted to take it more slowly and savour the experience as they went – your typical gourmet. That was a big sexual mismatch, which had nothing to do with quantity and everything to do with quality. He was much relieved when he realised this and his confidence came back stronger than ever.

In summary, it’s not what you do that matters, it’s how you experience it.

Fairy tales are not all ‘happy ever after’ there’s a lot of wickedness in them, and that wickedness can be alluring.

Children love wickedness and adults can too…

Wickedness often manifests in power plays. Handing over power can be erotic and receiving the power can be erotic.

Keep in mind though, this can only be erotic if there is safety and respect. And this means a lot of preparation in talking and understanding and planning. Otherwise, it’s abuse, and there’s nothing positive about abusive wickedness.

But erotic wickedness, now there’s something potentially to luxuriate in.

If this doesn’t appeal at all, then move on to the next blog post. But if it has you feeling curious, then read on…

Hand over power to your partner for your shared indulgence…and see what wickedness can ensue!

Such as...

• Tie him up and slather cream all over him and slowly, slowly lick it off…Oh, the exquisite torture!
• Order her to bend over and tease her backside…Oh, so naughty!
• Objectify your partner, they’re no more than a living sex doll, there to lavish your desires upon…Oh, the thrill of it all!
• Role-play master and slave and see how far you can push your ‘slave’ to indulge you in sexual indulgences; or maybe the slave is the one who suggests and enacts the indulgences. Really, who is pleasuring whom…

Tapping into your ‘wicked’ side, when done positively, is tapping into your erotic imagination. It can give you a charge, a thrill, which can be expressed inventively, creatively.

Just as the fairy tale storytellers have enchanted and delighted readers for ages, so can you enchant and delight each other when you let flow your erotic wickedness…

A key to intimacy is expressing your feelings. Not your thoughts, your feelings: being able to share with your partner how you are feeling and being able to hear what he or she is sharing with you.

It's not an easy thing to do. More commonly people hold back out of fear of a negative reaction from their partner. So they end up playing this weird dance of trying to mind-read what the other wants and feels, and generally getting it wrong.

An exercise I give couples to improve this skill is every evening to have a chat over a cup of tea or coffee and take it in turns to share how you’re feeling.

Some people are fine with that level of guidance; others struggle and need more direction. If you’re in the latter category, here’s an activity for you.

Set aside some time for a chat, maybe after dinner, or if you’ve got young children, once they’ve gone to bed. Do not do this in front of the TV. Sit somewhere comfortable, and if it feels right, have a cup of tea together. Humans have been sharing over cups of tea for centuries. It’s comforting and bonding.

Now take it in turns to share five things from your day, in this order:

1) A good thing that happened today and how it made you feel.
2) A bad thing that happened today and how it made you feel.
3) A good thing that your partner did today and how it made you feel.
4) A not-so-good thing, a neglect, that your partner did today and how it made you feel (preferably small, until you get better at this).
5) Something you love about your partner in general and/or how you’re feeling at the end of this exercise.

So, each of you share how you’re feeling, then each of you share point two, then point three, until you’ve done all five. When you’ve finished, thank your partner for sharing, and tell them how that made you feel.

The important part is that you say how it made you feel. Not just ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘pissed off’, be more specific, expand your vocabulary, such as: “I felt appreciated, as though you really cared” or “I felt really isolated and unsure of what to do”, i.e., be more expressive about what you felt or are feeling.

When you’re in the listening role, it’s important that you tune in to your own reactions. Be the watcher watching yourself. Note what your own emotional reaction is to what your partner is saying. Notice if you feel defensive, if you feel you want to justify yourself, if you feel you need to make them out to be wrong. It’s this response that causes people to hold their feelings in and not share. So, make sure that your focus is what your partner is saying, not your reaction to it. This also applies if you tend to go straight to fix it mode, or even if you go straight to soothing mode, as both these well-intentioned responses don’t let your partner feel heard.

So, listen, and repeat back what you’ve heard. That’s all.

The hardest one will of course be the something you did that made your partner feel bad. The important thing is simply that you acknowledge how they are feeling. You don’t have to fix it or justify it or anything for this exercise, just acknowledge their feeling.

Once you get in the habit of listening actively like this, your partner will become more comfortable with sharing their feelings honestly, because they know you can listen without judgment.

Similarly, your own level of comfort in sharing will increase because you’ll learn to trust your partner’s ability to listen without reacting badly.

This is mature relating. It’s not always easy, which is why you need to practice until it becomes second nature.

Then your relationship will evolve, in all areas, particularly sexually.

I was chatting with an attractive woman in her mid-40s at a party recently. She’d told me that after a brief disastrous marriage she hadn’t been able to successfully ‘do’ the relationship thing, as she put it, so she was fascinated to hear about my work and life.

After a while she got a puzzled look on her face and asked hesitantly: “Do you two talk about your sex life?”

“Why, yes, of course we do,” I replied.

“So do you, like, talk about what you like and don’t like and that sort of stuff,” she asked with curiosity.

“Yes”

“And do you schedule sex; do you plan it?”

“Sure”

She mused on this a while, then said with wide-eyed amazement: “So for you two sex is like a hobby! Something you talk about and plan and discuss…”

“Well, yes,” I smiled, “you could say it’s our hobby.”

“Wow,” she said thoughtfully, “I always thought sex was something that had to be secretive and furtive, something that just had to ‘happen’…. No wonder my relationships never worked!”

She was probably right. Like anything else in life that you share - from the mundane domestic duties through to the fun holidays and outings - it’s a lot better if you talk about it together.

Of course, if your idea of sex is roll on, do the deed, roll off, go to sleep; well, then you probably don’t need to talk about it. But if you fancy something at least a touch more interactive, then communication is required.

People do have funny ideas about talking about sex, or to be more specific, about not talking about sex:

• They find it awkward or embarrassing.
• They feel it would be unsexy to talk about sex.
• They feel, like the woman above, that there is some unwritten rule that says you can’t talk about sex.
• They feel they shouldn't need to, it should just ‘happen naturally’.

In regard to the last three:

• Does talking about food make it less delicious? No, in fact it can add to the experience of eating.
• There are no rules about sex, other than that it be consensual, and there is certainly no rule about not speaking.
• Humans are not mind-readers so can never know for sure what’s going on for you unless you verbalise to some degree.

As to feelings of awkwardness when talking about sex, I’ve found that’s very common, and it takes practice to increase your comfort level.

Having a chat about your love making session immediately after, when you’re both languishing in the post-coital phase is a good time. The happy, bonding hormones are flowing, and you can share what you liked with each other. Gradually you can add what you might like more of, or what else you might like to try, or what you didn’t like.

Then you can start having a pre-sex chat, then during-sex chats, and chats outside the bedroom - until you feel comfortable almost anywhere.

As your comfort level with talking about your sex life gets better, so will your sex life.