Sex is one of the great forms of human self-expression. It's a place where creativity, physical movement, pleasure and joy can manifest, just like the other forms of human expression - music, art, design, dance, cooking, sport, writing.


But people don’t often see sex as self-expression. More often sex has so much attached to it that there is more suppression around it than expression.

Hindered by all the myths around sex in our society, caught up in our heads about what we should or shouldn’t be doing, about what’s right or wrong, confusion about expectations and obligations, sex often is more fraught with fearing than open to freeing.

Think about your own sex life: is there more expression or suppression? Would you describe it more as fearful or freeing? If it’s further down the negative end, what can you do to start shifting it to the positive?

• Is it shifts in your head? Do you need to change your way of thinking?

• Is it shifts in your heart? Do you need to change your way of relating?

• Is it shifts in your gut? Do you need to change your way of doing?

Do you have a vision of what a wonderful sex life would be like? Is this vision true to you and your values and your desires, or is it another ‘should’, based on what you think it should be rather than what is right for you?

Sex can, and should (yes, ‘should’, one of the rare occasions when it’s OK to say ‘should’) be a wonderful thing - for you. It can be simple and infrequent if that’s right for you (in fact you don’t have to have sex at all) or it can be your life’s work and passion (then you’d be a sex geek like me). The important thing is that it is life-enhancing, and that by engaging in sex you feel better for it, preferably at many different levels - physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Express yourself!



If you need help moving from suppression to expression, book in for sex therapy at The LoveLife Clinic.

I like to divide sexual encounters in a long-term relationship into three types:

Simple Sex – short and comforting
Sensual Sex - luscious and bonding
Spicy Sex – exciting and adventurous

Simple Sex, also known as Cup of Tea Sex, is that nice snuggle under the covers, nothing unexpected, nothing wild. You know each other, you know what works, you have a satisfying time. No great fireworks, but it’s good. Like a cup of tea: simple, warm and comforting.

But a sexual diet of just Simple Sex is pretty dull. And if there’s not a good connection, it will feel empty.

Sensual Sex is when you take the time to create a gorgeous atmosphere and take the time to enjoys each other’s bodies in a sensual and loving manner. In this way the sex becomes very connecting, very bonding, very deep. This is the essence of Tantric sex, and with practice can lead to ecstatic states of being.

Which is wonderful and wholesome, but can do with some spicing up at times.

Spicy Sex is when you push your boundaries and do things that you find a real turn on (if a little intimidating!). What that is will depend on you and your own desires.

Spicy Sex could be as simple as introducing a sex toy to your sexual play, or starting with a slow striptease. It could be planning a weekend away and then visiting the vineyards knowing you or your partner has no knickers on. It could be visiting a sex store and bringing home something new and unusual (“Now just how does this bondage tape stuff work?”) It could be visiting a Swinger’s Lounge. It could be having a nude dinner party, either the two of you alone or inviting some of your better friends… The possibilities are endless. But keep in mind that Spicy Sex doesn’t just happen; it requires your creativity and your intention.

Now, given the reality of modern lives, it’s unlikely that every sexual encounter is going to be Spicy Sex. Apart from the time involved, it would be like eating gourmet food all the time, which can get a little wearying. Depending on your circumstances, Spicy Sex could be an annual weekend away, or it could be a monthly “challenge” where you take it in turns to create a “Spicy Saturday In”.

However, if you think Spicy Sex is the great aim, you’ll have trouble getting there without the Sensual Sex. Because as I’ve so often written about before, I believe that for a couple to be open enough with each other that they can be real about their desires, they have to be truly open to each other, and you need sensual connection for that. I encourage couples to set aside some 'us time' once a week to have a more extended intimate encounter. Start with a bath; light candles; play music that moves your soul; spend time touching each other; hold each others’ gaze as you move slowly together in intercourse. Experience the ecstatic sensations of the valleys of sex, rather than just the intense peaks. Feel the deliciousness of it all. Experiment with blindfolds or restraint to heighten the sensory arousal, add sensory elements of taste, sound, touch and smell.

Really lose yourselves in the experience.

So, maybe you could aim for Spicy Sex once a month, Sensual Sex once a week and Simple Sex once or twice a week. I can’t be prescriptive though. So let’s say plenty of nice Simple Sex, regular Sensual Sex, all interspersed with some Spicy Sex now and again.

Having said that, the three categories don’t have to be mutually exclusive. A late night quickie under the covers is Simple Sex, but it can also feel very sensual if for example you light a candle by the bed and look deeply into your partner’s eyes as you make love. Or a quickie in the bathroom while your kids are having their porridge can certainly have elements of Spice (a la naughty teenagers trying not be caught). Ideally a Sensual Sex session will be highly erotic and you can swing between the intensities of the peaks of sex and the exquisiteness of the valleys.

It’s all good! So allow for all types of sex in your life, from the simple to the spicy (whatever that is for you) and you’ll keep your sexual connection strong and your life so much more satisfying.

When you think about desiring your partner, or a potential partner, what are the things that make you go “Mmmmm”? As in “Mmmmm, that's nice!” And what are the things that make you go “Nnngh”, as in “Nnngh - that's not so nice”?

In other words, what are your turn ons and turn offs when it comes to sex and desire?

What enhances your desire and what detracts from it?

Whatever these enhancers and detractors are, is unique to you, so you need to identify them for yourself.

Then you need to share them with your partner. Chances are they might be quite different to your partner’s so you can’t assume that they will automatically know. Similarly, you can’t assume that your partner has the same enhancers and detractors as you, or that they should be the same as you or that there’s anything wrong them (or you) if they’re not.

I remember a young couple where she admitted to him that she found him walking naked around the house to be a detractor for her. He was surprised as he’d thought it was a sexy thing for him to do. When she explained that it was too much nakedness, that she responded more to the element of the slow reveal, he could understand and adapt his behaviour. After all, he wanted her arousal not her revulsion.

And take the example of this working couple: She liked lots of noise in the evening, with TV and radio and music going. The sound was an enhancer for her but was a detractor for him. The noise overwhelmed him, and while he could “cope” with it, it sapped him so much that by the time bedtime came he had no zest left for lovemaking. Neither of them had realized that link, so she has toned things down a bit to switch the evening atmosphere from one that’s a detractor to one that’s an enhancer. They’ve also experimented with headphones for her and silence for him.

Personally speaking, one thing that turns me off sexually is seeing my partner sitting in bed reading. If he’s sitting on the bed it’s different. It’s a small thing, but it makes a huge difference in the level of my interest and desire. If he’s in the bed, I just want to get into bed and read too, if he’s on the bed I want to chat and play! You need to be aware of these little quirks in yourself, and then let your partner know.

So really pay attention to what makes you go “Mmmmm” and what makes you go “Nnngh”, no matter how small or seemingly unrelated they might be to your sex life. Then share your quirks with an open heart, with positive intent, and the two of you can accentuate the “Mmm”s and eliminate the “Nnngh”s.

Mis-matched libidos, difference in desire, high and low sex drive, etc. These are very common terms used to describe a very common issue.

But what are we really talking about here?

What is libido, what is desire?

Firstly, it’s not a ‘thing’. Libido is not something you have or don’t have.

Secondly, desire is not arousal.

Often people say that one partner has a high libido, high desire, and the other partner has low libido, low desire. But when we get talking it often turns out that they are confusing desire with arousal.

Having fast arousal is not the same as having high desire, and having slow arousal is not the same as having low desire.

Quite often I find that the supposedly ‘low libido’ partner actually has quite high desire, they want and like sex, they’re just not feeling aroused. Yet.

And often the supposedly ‘high libido’ partner doesn’t really have ‘desire’ as such, they’re just horny, they’re aroused, but it’s more like an itch that needs scratching rather than a genuine desire for being with their partner.

So, you can have high desire but slow arousal; and you can have fast arousal but little desire.

Desire is a wanting, a moving towards. This can start in the head, with a thought that it would be good, and it can start in the heart, with a feeling of wanting to share something lovely with your beloved.

Arousal is a physical experience, it’s what’s happening in your body.

Libido is the interplay of desire and arousal.

Sometimes I see someone who has zest and life, clearly a strong libido, but they claim a low desire. Actually, they have strong desire they just have slow arousal. They’re thinking that because they’re not aroused in the moment that they don’t have desire.

And I can see someone who claims high desire, but they’re flat and disconnected from their partner. Actually they have fast arousal, they’re horny, but it’s just that itch that needs scratching. There’s not a lot of actual desire.

Of course, sometimes someone can have both low desire and low arousal, which could be due to stress, tiredness or illness, or because they’re not finding their partner desirable for whatever reason.

And of course, having desire and arousal at the same time is great.

The point is don’t assume that if you don’t have arousal that you don’t have desire.

And most importantly, both desire and arousal need to be cultivated.

Every couple is going to have differences in libido at different times, if not all the time. Understanding each person’s sexuality and exploring the interplay so that you keep yourselves ‘simmering’ is what makes for a good strong sex life.

Humans love watching people have sex. The voyeuristic elements of sex have been part of human sexuality as far back as recorded history goes, and probably beyond. Erotic art is found around the world from all eras. Even in sexually repressed periods such as Victorian England there was a flourishing trade in postcards of nudes and amazing little paper contraptions that mimicked the sex act. In present times, there wouldn't be too many men around who, as a teenager, didn’t have girlie magazines stuffed under their mattress, which their girlfriends also looked at in fascination.

And now we have a proliferation of porn on the Internet. So is this good or bad?

Well, it is inevitable. We are a voyeuristic species and we’re an inventive species, so inevitably we’ll use the latest technology to increase voyeuristic opportunities. And hey, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with watching people having sex to get turned on.

But like all other indulgent activities, whether it be eating chocolate, buying shoes, having a massage, you need to be know how much of a good thing is good and how much slips over into one of the deadly sins (gluttony, greed, sloth and of course, lust – to name four out of seven).

Just as - a small amount of chocolate makes you feel good but too much makes you feel sick and you get fat and unhealthy; purchasing a pair of fabulous shoes makes you feel happy and gorgeous, but buying too many makes you feel guilty, ruins your bank balance and makes you look like a sad Imelda Marcos wannabe; an hour of massage is relaxing and invigorating, but too much is either enervating or makes you fall asleep - so can pornography titillate and turn you on, but too much becomes an obsession and interferes with true sexual connection with your partner.

One of the problems with porn, as with so much in our ‘quick fix’ society is that it’s too easy. Just switch on the computer and there you are immersed in sexual arousal. It’s like buying a take-away meal rather than making dinner yourself. And while you could quite happily live your life eating take-away food without too many consequences (as long as it was the good stuff), it doesn’t work with sex if you’re partnered. Sex with a partner is like the home-cooked meal, it takes time, and generally the more attention you put into the making of it, the better the results.

Another problem with porn is that many people think that what they’re watching is good sex. But porn is designed to be visually stimulating, so it’s what looks good, not necessarily what feels good. You don’t see men going down on women in porn because it’s visually boring but women going down on men is visually interesting. You don’t see men ejaculating inside women because it’s visually boring, the cum shot over the face or breasts is visually interesting.

Just as importantly, people need to remember that it’s not real. The women might look like they’re enjoying themselves, but they’re actresses paid to look like that! The male actors are also selected on criteria that would make 99% of men feel inadequate size-wise, and their apparent ability to last and last is based on the skill of the film editor, not the actor himself!

You’re not going to learn to be a great lover by watching porn. It might turn you on, and it might give you some ideas, but if that’s what you’re expecting sex to be like then you’re going to be disappointed.

Good sex is not about acting; it’s not about what looks good; it’s about what feels good. Often the two do overlap, and what feels good might look like porn, but not necessarily, and not inevitably, and to get to that takes time and connection, not a quick fix.

So if you like porn, great, watch it, but remember that it’s just visual titillation, nothing more.

We’ve discussed the importance of sharing before you move into solution mode. How you do this is equally as important.

John Gottman, has also identified four negative ways of communicating, which he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. These might not seem as drastic as the originals from the Bible: war, pestilence, famine and plague, but these lesser horsemen can reek just as much damage on a relationship as the big ones do on a whole society.

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Aggression
• Stonewalling

If these little devils are firmly entrenched in your relationship then you haven’t got a hope of having a positive one, let alone a mature one.

How often do I hear people say: “I’m not being critical; I’m being honest!” “I’m not being aggressive; I’m just getting my point across!” “I’m only being funny; not contemptuous” “I’m not stonewalling; I'm just keeping the peace…”

Criticism is not ‘helpful’ or ‘being honest’, it is judgemental and disrespectful and makes your partner defensive and/or reduces their self-confidence.

Sarcasm is contempt; it is not humour. Contempt of any kind is hurtful. Eye rolling is infuriating and has never ever induced someone to be more open and loving.

If your partner feels you are being aggressive, you are being aggressive. It will cause them to respond with more aggression, or to submit to the aggressor’s point of view or run away from the discussion out of fear.

Stonewalling or withdrawing prevents any chance of positive movement. In some ways it’s the worst of the lot as at least with the others you’ve got something to work with. With stonewalling you have nothing to work with and everything hangs in limbo until the stonewaller decides to come to the party and share their feelings and thoughts - assuming they ever do, some couples live in stonewalled distance for years or decades, for many couples this is “normality”.

These four horsemen can appear in the smallest of ways and can become insidious in a relationship, until they appear normal. If your family of origin used these forms of communication, they’ll seem even more normal to you:

• If there was a lot of aggression in your family as a child, you might feel that a level of aggression is normal and acceptable; you might not even consider it aggressive.

• If you came from a family where sarcasm was considered witty, you’ll probably carry that forward into future relationships.

• If there was constant criticism coming from one or both of your parents, or criticism between them, you might unconsciously be harsh and critical to your partner, without even realising it.

• And if you came from a family where people deliberately withheld their feelings, then you’re likely to grow up feeling that it’s perfectly acceptable not to engage in important conversations.

Communication is such an important part of relationships that it’s vital you analyse your communication style, as an individual and as a couple, and work to improve it. Removing the four horsemen is an important part of this.

It’s absolutely vital if you want to have a good sex life, so that you can freely and safely express whatever you need to and move forward creatively and cooperatively.

I came out of the womb questioning. Apparently I was a ‘strange child’ who asked ‘strange questions’ and read ‘strange books’. From my earliest age I felt like I was the child pointing out that the emperor was wearing no clothes and was always puzzled and fascinated by people and their lack of awareness.

As a child I knew that when I grew up I wanted to be a warrior, a scientist and a priest.

I have, essentially, become all three:

The Warrior

I studied the martial arts extensively from my mid-teens through to my early 30s, becoming particularly adept at Aikido, the Art of Harmony. But even as a child I’d set myself tasks to build my will-power, and I’ve never been one to back down when I thought there was injustice or narrow-mindedness.

To do my work in the field of sex and intimacy has definitely required a warrior spirit - it’s not easy to face so much opposition and ignorance and still keep going.

The Scientist

I feel existence is a miracle and I am endlessly fascinated by it. Over the years I have done three academic science degrees, and believe strongly in the scientific method. I also believe there is a lot that science is yet to discover. I see no discrepancy between spirituality and science, and love that modern science is reinforcing ancient spiritual wisdoms. I consider myself a ‘Scientific Mystic’.

The Priest

I had a calling to be a priest, and was shocked as a young child to discover I couldn’t be one because I was a girl. That made no sense to me at all. So I quickly lost interest in religion and continued to explore and study all sorts of spiritual, metaphysical and philosophical understandings, and continue to do so - it’s a life-long work (probably many lifetime’s work). As a therapist and educator, I feel that my work is a calling, and that calling is to help people become more whole and be their beautiful authentic selves. which is essentially the work of a true priest.

*********

After school I studied biochemistry and human sciences at university. The former was a traditional ‘hard’ science subject and the latter a multidisciplinary science course. At that stage I had intended doing research into human potential but the professors felt my views were too outlandish - I thought that the brain could change and that food affected our health - both topics that are considered valid now but back in the 80s had me labelled a hippy herbal fruitcake who’d probably been smoking too much weed…

So I changed track and did graduate studies in environmental science because as a new field it was looking for open-minded creative thinkers. So I worked in that field for many years. But, as much as I care for the environment and have strong ecological sensibilities, it was never my passion. So, three children and another degree or two later I decided to change.

Everyone thought I was mad to leave a very successful career and move into the then quite unknown field of Life Coaching. A few years later I wrote my first book ‘Great Sex After Kids’, did a Masters in Sexual Health to qualify as a Sex Therapist…and I haven’t looked back!

I was definitely ‘guided’ into specialising in sexuality, the universe wanted me to head in this direction, and after my initial surprise I was quite happy to go there as sexuality has always been a topic of interest for me at so many levels - the physical, historical, anthropological, philosophical, social, relational, and spiritual.

I feel the spiritual in particular is of interest, and a necessity in our current stage of development as a species and culture. After such a long period of suppression, we are only just now starting to see sexuality as a fundamental part of ourselves as integrated, holistic, transpersonal beings. I have always had an intrinsic understanding of this concept, and have been drawn to studying Tantric and Taoist sexual philosophies and practices.

According to a shaman I had a session with a few years ago, in a past life I was a Tibetan Lama who was investigating the use of sexual energy for spiritual growth. Unfortunately in that life I inadvertently traumatised a number of women and so in shame I ceased my work. In this life I’m to continue the work - which explains why I’m female and why it took me so long to accept this calling. Whether this is true or not, it is a good analogy and describes the evolution of my work very well!

Now I have embraced my calling fully and I have an exceptional life working with couples and individuals clinically and in workshops and retreats, as well as through my writings and media appearances, to help modern people understand the importance of an integrated and healthy sexuality for fulfilment and meaning in life.

It is an area that is not dealt with much in academic sexology, which tends to be more about the physical and to some extent the social. The concept of how sexuality leads to personal growth and development is not well studied, nor is human sexual potential in general. My particular interest is in how sexuality within the couple dynamic contributes to growth and fulfilment in life.

So now I’m studying a Masters in Consciousness, Spirituality and Transpersonal Psychology with the intention of doing a PhD in my field of expertise, which I think of as Transpersonal Sexology, investigating my own transpersonal approach to relationship therapy and coaching. This will inform my own work and enable me to teach other professionals, sexologists and therapists in general, a truly effective and inspiring approach to working with clients around issues of sexuality.

Life in the 21st century is fast paced, so fast paced that it’s easy to get caught up in all the busy-ness.

Busy isn’t bad, not if you’re relishing life as you busily experience it. But, and it’s a BIG but, if you let life carry you along on an endless wave of manic activity, then you won’t even notice you’re living, you won’t be enjoying it, and you won’t be making the time to savor all the wonderful things that life offers – including sex!

Wouldn’t you love sex to be a blissful haven away from all that frenetic stuff?
Wouldn’t you love to have sex that leaves you renewed and refreshed, that leaves you feeling fabulous?

Here are the seven fundamental sex tips to help you as a busy person have that blissful haven of fabulous sex. Read them, and, if they make sense to you and you want practical advice on how to use the Secrets in your life, buy and read my full book Sex Secrets for Busy People (don't worry, it's short - it's designed for busy people!)

Sex Tip Number 1: Sex is Energy

Why would a busy person bother to have sex anyway?
Because sex recharges you.
Have fantastic sex and you can hit the fray running.
People often moan to me about not having enough energy for sex, so they don’t do it (or at least, don’t do what it takes to make it good). Well, here’s the thing – good sex frees up your energy. So if you’re feeling depleted, have some sex and liberate your energy.
Instead of running on empty, run on full. Use sex to recharge yourself (and it’s a lot more fun than filling up at a petrol station!) We’ve all got access to this energy. It’s a matter of accessing it.

Sex Tip Number 2: Sex is Awareness

Sex happens from the inside out. It’s something you experience from within you. It’s an act of sensuality that you experience and gets better and better as you become more connected to your own sensuality.
All of us are born with an inner sensuality and an exquisite capacity for pleasure, but if you’ve been busy and exhausted for a long time you may have lost touch with your inner talent for feeling good.
You can reconnect again and so get more in touch with all your senses, heighten your sensuality and heighten your experience of sex.
Experience the sensuous spoon – take any spoon and just feel it, stroke it, fondle it.
And practice really and truly eating a peach.

Sex Tip Number 3: Sex is Attitude

Forget your genitals! Well, not entirely, but did you know that the neo-cortex is the most erotic part of our bodies? That’s the front part of the brain. It’s the part that animals don’t have, or don’t have much of. Other parts of our brain deal with the more instinctive sides of sex, reproduction and so forth. But the neocortex is special. It allows the sublimely human part of sex, the part that raises us above the animals and takes us closer to the angels. The neocortex provides us with the ability to think and imagine and fantasize and desire, to use our minds.
The bad news is that the ability our brains have to engage our imagination is the same ability that causes us embrace limiting beliefs that put so many blocks in the path of our enjoyment of sex.
The good news is that you can learn to make your fabulously human brain work to cut through all those worn-out, wet-blanket beliefs and limiting myths and misconceptions about sex and take on new, life-affirming, sex affirming beliefs.

Sex Tip Number 4: Sex is Part of the Rest of Your Life

The first three tips are all about how even as a busy person you can create the space in your heart, body and mind for sex. But it would all be theoretical and it will all stay in your heart, body and mind and go no further if you’re too frenetic, frenzied and frazzled in the rest of your life to even think about sex, let alone actually do it.
You have to make space in your life for sex.
You have to make time in your life for sex.
You need to learn how to make the space and time in your life to make sex happen, and that means learning how to be a little bit more organized so that you’ve got the structure in your life to allow that space and time to open up for you. It’s all about integrating sex in your life so that sex compliments and enhances the rest of your life.

Sex Tip Number 5: Sex is a Time and a Place

Once you’ve freed up some time and space in your life for sex, you have to create the moment.
This is about making the most of the time and space that you’ve freed up for sex. Turn your bedroom into a boudoir. Use your environment to do the work for you, let it get you in the mood.

Create the moment for sex. If you think sex ‘should’ be spontaneous, you’re probably putting up with mediocre sex (if you’re getting any at all) when with just a little more planning and effort you could be having brilliant sex.

Sex Tip Number 6: Sex is Intimacy

Now we’ve got your mind in the right space and we’ve got the space in your life. What’s missing? Your partner!
It (generally) takes two for sex and a certain kind of two to have fantastic sex.
It’s true that great sex between complete strangers has been known to happen, but it’s so much better to have fabulous sex with a partner you love. Extraordinary, energy-enriching, life-enriching sex requires genuine intimacy. That’s intimacy where two individuals come together with honesty and integrity, free of judgment and free of the need for validation from the other.
When you have this kind of genuine intimacy you can express your true eroticism.

Sex Tip Number 7: Sex is an Art

Sex might be natural, but GREAT sex is an Art.
Like any other art, the Fine Art of Sex takes understanding and practice to master. And like any fine art, the results can be sublime.

The Fine Art of Sex means merging genuine, unfused intimacy with erotic tension, then adding the final element of playful creativity. The result is endless masterpieces of awesome sex that generate an on-going level of energy to keep even the busiest of people going!

The Fine Art of Sex combines all the Sex Secrets – Energy, Awareness, Attitude, Integration, Environment and Intimacy into a creative whole.




Find out more. Read my book Sex Secrets for Busy People!

Penises love a woman’s softness. Why then, do so many women feel they need to stimulate a man so hard?

A woman is not a masturbation machine, nor is she a vacuum cleaner. Yet so many women act like this in bed with a man.

If he really wants the intensity of a man from his partner, then tell him to explore his bisexual side! Seriously - bisexual men tell me that the pleasure of being with a man is in the intensity and hardness of the encounter.

The problem is that so many men have never even had their penises touched tenderly and softly.

Because men tend to be pretty intense when masturbating, some think that’s the only way to pleasure their penis, and so expect the same from their female partner. But once a man has experienced the sensation of tender stimulation of his penis (given with true erotic desire and connection), well, he won’t turn back. It’s a wonderful sensation.

Which is not to say that there aren’t times when you won’t want to bring in some vigour. Most of the time though, explore the gentler side - hold and caress and stroke your man’s penis with intense softness and passionate tenderness. He’ll love it!

And never again will you get a strained forearm, aching neck or sore cheeks…

John Gottman, noted American couples therapist, has some wonderful ideas around good communication. One I particularly like is the concept that you have to share before you can fix.

What this means is that when you have something you need to discuss or resolve, it’s important that the two of you take the time to share how you feel about the situation before you try finding ways of solving the situation.

You need to speak about your feelings until you each feel heard. You’ll know when you’ve reached that point because there will be a shift in the energy between you, you’ll feel a coming together, a sense of connection and being in sync.

Once you have that feeling, then, and only then, do you start to look at options and explore ways of dealing with the issue.

If you go into the fixing before you’ve done the sharing of feelings, then one or both of you will feel frustrated at not being heard. That frustration can manifest as anger or giving up, neither of which are useful emotions to have when trying to resolve something and move forward.

It can be with the best of intention that you go into fixing mode too early. When one hears the other’s problem, they quite probably feel that to help their partner they need to find solutions. But no, not only do you have to allow your partner to express how they feel about the situation, you also need to express how you feel about that situation.

Sometimes people feel that they shouldn’t express their feelings, that they should be logical and go straight into solution mode. But without the feeling behind it, there isn’t the full raft of information at hand, so you’re shortchanging yourself. You’re also likely to miss what’s most important (which might even be that no solution is needed, simply expressing is enough).

I’ve written elsewhere about how you need to sink in to sync infor good sex. It applies to all aspects of intimacy, including communicating. It you want quality communication, which is an element of good quality on-going sex, then you also need to sink in to sync in. The sinking in is expressing how you feel and the syncing in is then working on a solution.