Whoa! Isn’t that blasphemy, coming from a Sex Coach?

Sleep is better than sex? Hello - has Jacqueline gone crazy?

No, I’m not about to ‘fess up and declare that I don’t practice what I preach. I’m not going to tell you that most of the time I actually prefer curling up in bed with a good book and a box of chocolates - although sometimes I do. My point is that for very many people, myself included, without enough sleep you don’t feel like sex.

Time after time I get exhausted people coming to me wondering what’s wrong with them, why they don’t have any desire for sex. The answer is pretty simple – they’re too tired.

Exhausted, flat, overwhelmed, worn out, drained… None of these states are conducive to a raging libido.

Like anything in life, the better the physical and mental state you’re in, the better you’ll perform. This applies whether we’re talking about work, sport or play - including sex.

We modern urban Westerners are a pretty overloaded bunch, way too up-regulated and with far too much to do. If you’re going for it all day long, then chances are you’re not going to be up for going for it again once you hit the sack. Sex will feel like “just one more thing to do” and sleep will beckon, oh so invitingly.

We’re also chronically lacking in sleep. Plenty of studies show that we’re not getting enough sleep and that this is impacting on our quality of life, from obesity to accidents to poor performance, and in my area of specialty, low libido.

Of course, if you’re someone who has an unflagging libido, who’s up for it no matter what your state, then obviously this doesn’t apply to you, at least, not at the moment, it might in the future. But if it applies to your partner, it’s important that you understand this need for rest and good sleep.

So, prioritize sleep, that’s essential! But that doesn’t mean putting off sex until you’ve caught up on sleep, or until you feel 100% - you might never get to that moment when “everything is just right”.

Sex shouldn’t be draining anyway! If you follow my approach to lovemaking you'll find it rejuvenating. Focus on the lead-up. Make connection and chilling-out together part of your daily unwind. Even better, do it in the bedroom – hang out on your bed together, phones away, having a cup of tea and a chat, give each other foot massages.... You'll be setting yourself up for the essential elements of desire - enjoying each other's company in a chilled-out way. That in itself is satisfying, even if you don't get more intimate, but you're also more likely to find it easy to transition into some gentle, gorgeous lovemaking. That will make you feel happier, more relaxed - and help you sleep better! A win all round.

This sets up a positive feedback loop: you’ll feel better, more connected, more loved and loving, you’ll sleep better so you’ll feel more energized, and life will take on a rosy glow!

There's no need to try and force interest, set yourself up so that you’re cultivating desire. Rest, relax, chill out together and let the desire flow...

 
I just had a week in private retreat, a time for reflection and contemplation. I was fortunate to stay in a friend’s beautiul beachside house in Sydney’s northern beaches.

It was a time to simply be rather than do, to feel rather than think.

A time to savour life.

Most of us are far too busy doing and pushing to actually be and feel what we’re doing. In life, and in sex.

Sex is not a race to the big ‘O’, it’s not a performance for the benefit of our partner, it’s a shared experience of pleasure, exquisitely felt and perfectly savoured.

Whatever you’re doing.

I know many people make the mistake of thinking that the type of sex I’m advocating, deep Tantric type sex, has to be all soft and sensual. Not at all. As long as it’s between living adult humans who both (or all) consent, then go for it.

But go for it with feeling. A naughty quickie in the bathroom while the kids are having breakfast, a luscious snuggle under the covers on a cold winter’s night, or a swinging fest with the couple you hooked up with on-line. It’s all good, as long as it’s real, it’s connected, and you’re really feeling it. That’s what makes sex magical, not the actual activity.

I was thinking about this just this morning, after a particularly gorgeous session with my lover. This was no quickie, more an extended period of sensual delights ranging from intense and wild through to tender and delicate. It felt like the world was going in slow motion, every moment was exquisite, a moment to savour.

That, I thought, is what my work is all about (yes, that’s how dedicated I am, I’m thinking about my work even at moments like that!): helping people to get deeper into the sexual experience so that they can truly feel and savour the experience, moment by moment.

And that is what I continue to do, in private sessions, workshops/retreats and online courses. I’m constantly working to refine and develop opportunities for you to grow and expand sexually.

Live ‘La Vida Tantrika’ - the Tantric life!

The Tantric approach sees joy and pleasure as essential to spirituality. It’s about harnessing the power of pleasure without attachment to that pleasure, desire without craving; finding the spiritual in all aspects of life, really living life to the full.

You know when you’re on track because you’ll feel a lightness, joy, ease (although it’s not always ‘easy’) - and a sense of alignment with your purpose.

To get there you need to let go of judgment and craving - these two biggies get in the way. You can’t be attached to ideas or desires.

Then you bring consciousness to every moment of life, living with gratitude, loving with open heart. It’s about appreciating the subtle, finding the ecstasy in the spaces in-between, as much as letting go to intensity and passion.

What’s this got to do with sex? Because sex is so important in life, until you bring it fully into your Vida Tantrika you’re not going to get anywhere spiritually. Having lower energies such as shame, guilt and craving attached to such a primary part of your self is inevitably going to hold you back.

I invite you take sex out of the box and fully incorporate it into your life. As you let go of blockages and can let the sexual energy flow freely through you it will bring with it a sense of vitality, joy and ease. You’ll feel a sense of the spiritual and sexual merging and you’ll find yourself tapping into the sublime, creating a life of peace, purpose, pleasure and love.


Learn more about living a Tantric life at my Tantric Lounge workshops and tune in to my Tantric Lounge Radio Show.

I confess, I do sometimes look at my bookings of the day and see certain client names with some dread…

One such young couple were clients once. Newly married, he was struggling with an ‘incident’ she’d been involved in a little while before and they were not coping at all well. Nastiness, accusations, resentments, passive aggression, verbal aggression … Let’s just say that they weren’t being very nice to each other. And there was definitely no sex happening.

A few sessions on, I looked at my client list one day and saw them as the final clients for the day. The bell rang, with some trepidation I answered it, and lo and behold, there were two young people looking radiant with big smiles on their faces!

“So, what’s going on?” I asked with curiosity.

He looked over to her with a grin, she looked up at me with a grin, “Well,” she said, almost guiltily it seemed, “we’re being nice to each other.”

“Wow, radical concept!” I commented light-heartedly, “and the result?”

“We’re getting on so much better!”

“Sex?”

“Four times in the last two weeks!!” she replied with a huge smile.

As the conversation unfolded, they described how after their last session they’d decided to take on board what I was saying, and really try to be nice to each other - considerate, thoughtful, loving, caring. They said it felt awkward at first, somewhat forced, but got easier the more they did it. It was the same with sex; it was awkward at first, but got easier each time.

I asked him how he was feeling about the ‘incident’ and he quite perkily responded that he felt quite fine, the resentment and bitter feelings had evaporated and the whole thing seemed unimportant. He realised that it was still part of their history and he might be triggered at some point, but that it was no longer the huge all-encompassing thing it had been. His wife, naturally, was hugely relieved that he had come to peace with it.

By being nice to each other they were not only enjoying themselves more, they were building resilience in their relationship, so that the (inevitable) hurts and frustrations were less important and they could let those go and focus on the good stuff - their love and happiness being with each other.

And of course - wonderful sex!

Let’s talk about that most erotic of organs – our brain.

I had a client come to me stating that he was “the Mr Bean of sex”, clueless. Some sessions later he summed up his learnings with “now I get that I have to be a whole lot more creative”.

Yep, if you rely on hormones and pheromones to run your sex life, you’ll have a very brief flourish of passion at the start and then it will all die away. That’s fine if all you want sex for is to reproduce; biologically speaking that initial frenzy of hormone-driven passion will ensure the continuation of the species. However, over the millenia it has been shown that human babies need a lot of attention to grow to successful adults who have babies of their own, so if their parents can stay bonded then their survival rate goes up. So thankfully our large brains mean that not only do we have the ability to cooperate in the raising of our children, we can also create the great sex that will make that cooperation so much easier.

That should be pretty straight-forward, but our overly clever brains are just as good at talking us out of taking a playful creative approach to sex as they are at allowing that creativity and play to flourish.

Those darn beliefs and ‘shoulds’ that get in the way. I’m sure that half my time with clients is spent examining limiting beliefs and helping people identify if they really are genuine disinterests or whether it’s actually a false belief that’s holding them back.

For example:

• If you think sex has to be at night, you’re missing out on opportunities during the day.
• If you think you can’t do it outside in case someone sees, you’re missing out on the titillation of possibly being caught.
• If you think you can’t get up to kinky mischief with your partner because they are the mother/father of your children, you’re limiting yourself.
• If you think it’s ‘silly’ for older lovers to play sexual games, you’ll miss out on a lot of fun.
• If you think the man should initiate and lead and be the one to introduce new activities, then you’ll miss out on what she has to offer.
• And if you think oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, erotic videos, crotchless knickers, latex catsuits, bondage, swinging, pain and pleasure or any other activity (as long as it’s between consenting adults) is wrong, evil, immoral and takes you straight to hell, well, it’s time to loosen up and push those boundaries a little.

Stop for a moment and think about something that turns you on, but you can’t help feeling that perhaps you ’shouldn’t’. Let’s say (to be a little controversial) you have a fantasy about rough sex, but you think that as a modern new age man you’d never dream of treating your wife like that, or as a modern woman with feminist sensibilities you’d never dream of being treated like that. Rather than condemning it outright (and secretly lusting for it), bring it out in the open and try it out. Have a safe word in case your boundaries start getting pushed a bit far, then play with it. Put on a pair of old (but still sexy) knickers so that he can rip them off with his teeth as he expresses his mad passion for you!
Get the idea?

Take the concept and play with it, pushing your boundaries a little. A desire for rough sex doesn’t mean a desire for actual rape. (If it does, you do need to see a psychologist. Similarly, with any desire that doesn’t involve consenting adults. Having sex with your wife dressed up as a schoolgirl is fine, actually having sex with a school girl is not.)

Now I’m certainly not saying that good sex is kinky sex, and that if you’re not having group sex at swingers parties then you’re a prude. Far from it. You can have extraordinarily beautiful sex under the covers in missionary position with the lights off, if that is what is genuinely erotic for you at the time. But if you’re having sex like that because you think it’s the only way you should have sex, and anything else is bad, then you’re preventing yourself from evolving sexually and reaching your sexual potential.

If the thought of something titillates you and would enlarge your spirit by doing it, then go ahead. Make the suggestion or request to your partner and don’t be shy. If you’re on the receiving end of the request or suggestion, be honest. If you fancy trying some light bondage for instance, suggest it. If your partner says no, or even “You’ve got to be joking!” then fine. But if it’s “Hmm, maybe ” then give it a go: put on those stilettos and little else, slowly peel off your stockings one by one and tie your partner to the bed, then force him to watch as you prance around (or slowly undo your tie or belt if you’re male and proceed as above)

Pushing your boundaries, owning your eroticism, is liberating. It frees you, allowing you both to surrender to the act.

It’s in the surrender that you find your way to heaven.

Rest is a topic I could go on endlessly about. It’s so important for our mental and physical wellbeing to rest properly and by “rest” I don’t mean vegetating in front of the TV for hours on end.

Rest is also essential for good sex. Good sex is an energizing experience, but if you’re too tired it won’t be good, if it exists at all.

So you have to find rhythm and flow in your life. On a daily, weekly, monthly, seasonal and yearly basis, you need to balance the intensity and busyness with rest and ease. Take a moment to check in on whether you have this rhythm in your life: where are you doing well, where do you need more? I’ve found in my work with people that this is one of the most important elements to be being able to find the temporal, mental and physical space to have a wonderful sex life.

I read a study once of peak tennis players. The researchers were trying to identify what made the subtle difference between the elite players and the champions. They studied diet and training and all sorts of variables. The only difference they could find was that the champions rested better! Even when they took those few minutes out between sets, they completely relaxed and allowed themselves to recharge.

It’s the same with sex. You need to be able to rest during the rest of life to be able to enjoy good sex. Even during the sex act, I recommend you have that sense of ebb and flow, with intense phases interspersed with more restful periods. So, sex becomes more like a picnic than a sprint. The odd intense quickie can be wonderful, but to immerse yourself into sex so you get into a state where it ebbs and flows and your creativity and play emerge naturally has got to be one of life’s greatest mysteries and treasures.

Being a sex geek, I am both trained as a scientist yet explore areas more likely to be considered mystical - particularly in the area of sexual pleasure. I myself have ecstatic experiences and blissful states that are quite different and far more pleasurable than what is considered 'normal sex', and I have spoken with many people who also have them, and have helped many others discover these possibilities too.

I am not exaggerating when I say that 'normal' sex is to this type of sex what a fast-food hamburger is to gourmet cooking (keeping in mind that sometimes a hamburger is just fine, and you don’t have to like fine food).

So, the geek in me asks ‘why?’ Why do some people experience this and not others? What's happening?

Historically it’s clear that we suppressed sexuality in the West, particularly female sexuality, so when sexual liberation came in the 1970s there was a lot we didn't know about sexuality and it's potential.

Scientifically I feel that scientific interest in sex has been so focused on reproduction and disease that there has been very little focus on sexual pleasure, let alone sexual bliss and ecstasy. It’s still mired in the values of the past where sex was considered something ‘base’ and therefore not worthy of study.

Socially I feel that because people don’t know what they don’t know, they’re not looking for it. Although I do believe that is shifting as people start to realise that there’s got to be more to sex than prudery or porn, and interest in Tantra, mindfulness and conscious relating increase.

So back to the ‘why’. I’ve written and spoken and lectured at length about the approach to sex that leads to these states. What’s going on in the body though?

I suspect it works at two levels:

• In entering this kind of sexual experience, biochemical reactions are initiated that release the chemicals that cause the good feelings. By staying in elevated states of arousal and avoiding the genital focused intensity of ‘standard’ orgasms, the biochemical state is not turned off, so the pleasure lasts.
• Within the brain you’re using less of the detail-oriented, monkey chattering left side of the brain, and settling into more of a right-brain orientation. So that you feel, what the neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor describes as a oneness: “I am the life-force power of the universe. I am the life-force power of the 50 trillion beautiful molecular geniuses that make up my form, at one with all that is,” - a sense of bliss. (View her wonderful video 'Stroke of Insight' on TED.)

I believe humans need this bliss.Without knowing how to achieve it naturally, too many people are driven to use drugs and alcohol to create artificial versions of this state, which leads to addiction, poor health and lowered quality of life. Achieving natural highs from bliss-inducing sex not only feels wonderful at the time, it also helps enormously with life, so you have more energy, think better, look better and feel better.

Others might think you’re looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses - but you know the world really is rose-coloured.

To awaken your body to subtlety and exquisite sensation, you need to have heightened sensitivity. This takes strong connection and deep feeling. There’s no way you’d get that level of connection and feeling through being passive.

For women in particular, as I wrote recently in the post on Awakening Your Vagina, so many of us have become so hardened vaginally through intense sexual encounters of a very physical kind, that we can’t feel. That means sex requires more intensity to produce feeling, which over time often means women lose interest in sex because they’re not really feeling it, or it takes so much effort to feel anything it’s not worth it. Well-meaning partners might try harder and harder to create interest and response in their lover, but unfortunately they’re doing the opposite to what is required to waken their lover’s body and spirit to true feeling.

Our society’s focus on what is quite an asexual approach to sex doesn’t help, particularly since it’s limited to a very masturbatory approach to sex, being about strong libido, vigorous genital engagement, and explosive orgasms. This approach is all about doing rather than feeling, so people try harder to ‘do’ something, rather than simply receiving. This is tiring and disconnecting and doesn’t allow the subtle feelings needed to enjoy sex to awaken.

The more a woman softens and receives, the more she feels, the more satisfying the sexual encounter for her and therefore the more satisfying it is for her partner. And paradoxically, the more ‘active’ she is likely to be as she’s enjoying herself so much!

It’s not just women though. Men too have a lot to learn through the experience of being receptive. For a man to be able to truly give, he needs to know how to receive. It will also slow him down and be less intense sexually, which is required for a woman to be able to relax and receive.

When lovers come together with the woman welcoming the man into her, and he is able to accept the invitation and enter with depth of feeling and connection, they’ll make sexual magic. And it’s a feeling that will grow with time and age.

I love to create beautiful experiences for people, to take them on journeys where they discover the magnificence of their sexuality, the beauty of their eroticism - and a deep opening into love.

I’m back from running another couple's retreat in the Blue Mountains and once again I am awed by the love that is expressed in these retreats. I know I’m blessed to regularly be ‘bathed’ in this energy as it is such a rare thing to experience in our society, where intimacy is so secretive and the public expression of sexuality tends to be coarse.

When you get a group of people together and create a safe space for them to be expressive, in a classy, clothes-on type of way, it’s magic! Sensuality, connectedness, bliss, yumminess, all flow and merge into a superb melange that is essentially love.

Whether it’s a couples retreat where the participants are deepening the connection of their couple bubble; a women’s workshop where they are awakening to the beauty of their sexuality; or one of my regular Tantric Lounge gatherings where they take the plunge into a new discovery each time….it’s all about the love…

…and it’s so delicious!

The clients and retreat participants I see tend to be pretty together type of people with a mature attitude to life and relating. So, I don’t get too many couples who want to stay flat-lining or locked in conflict. They want to grow and develop as individuals and as a couple and have the best life they can.
 
 There are three ways of having a long-term relationship, or four, as the second type manifests in two ways which might appear to be diametrically opposed but are actually versions of the same dynamic: 

1) Flat-lining 
 
This is when a couple play it safe. Too afraid to upset the other or too needy of validation from their partner, neither of them is game to be truly honest. Over time these relationships tend to become more and more limited, and the couple grow ‘old’. Sometimes there is a power dynamic here, such as in the traditional patriarchal structure where the man had the power and the woman had to acquiesce. The key indicator here is that they want it to be ‘easy’ and ‘not rock the boat’. 
 
2) Deadlock 
 
These couples know they’re not happy and blame the other for it. This manifests in two ways: one is where they are in constant conflict, always bickering, with lots of nastiness; the other is where they stonewall and don’t relate at all or only superficially. The latter version can look like flat-lining, but the difference is the hostility and blame behind the behaviour. In both cases, the relationship at best stagnates and at worse degenerates into either ongoing misery if they stay together, or on-going blame and hatred if they separate. The key indicator here is the unhappiness and blame. 
 
3) High-maintenance - the 'Couple Bubble' 
 
 These couples know that ‘happy ever after’ is not inevitable but takes work; and they see their relationship as a vehicle for growth and development. They work together as a team through the ups and downs of life, embracing their differences, challenging each other, supporting each other, and always being absolutely honest - radically honest.
 
 This third type of relationship is a high-quality relationship, and it’s also a high-maintenance relationship. Not in the sense of the ‘precious princess’ type of relationship where one is selfishly demanding with a high level of entitlement and narcissistic tendencies, but one where each person expects the best of themselves and their partner and is committed to enabling that best to evolve.
 
The key to a high-quality relationship is honesty and openness. 
 
 Yet to be able to have this level of honesty, you both need to be able to deal with the inevitable emotions that come with honesty - guilt, vulnerability, fear, jealousy...
 
 You have to own these feelings, acknowledge them. It’s essential that you don’t avoid or suppress the feelings. It’s equally as important that you don't blame the other for these feelings (or you’re in deadlock) and definitely do not pull back from your partner for fear of these emotions (or you’re flat-lining).
 
 To be this aware and this open requires each of you to have a high level of self-awareness, and high-level communication skills. This isn't easy, these are skills and qualities that have to be developed, they don't come 'naturally'. Having a high-level relationship takes dedication and focus.
 
That might sound daunting, but it's actually wonderfully empowering to be able to relate with compassion and empathy, assuming the best of your partner and always seeking to understand and grow.
 
 This way you co-create a 'Couple Bubble' where your relationship supports and nurtures you, so that the challenges of life become more bearable because you share them together, and the joys of life become more joyful because you share them together.