“Intimate relationship…is such a provocative and powerful meeting place, where the psychological and the spiritual come together in a particularly potent way.”
John Welwood

This is the second of a three part series of blog articles looking at the results of my research into the benefits of a great love life. The last article looked at how it can transform people individually and this one looks at how it can transform couples relationally.

As I pointed out in the last article, the six couples I did the deep dive with had all done personal and relational development work, as well as sexual, so I can’t say that the sexual focus on its own led to the relationship growth, yet all the couples said that they felt it definitely contributed. They reported:

• Their relationship feels fresh and not tired
• There is lightness and playfulness in relationship
• Comfort without boredom
• Small moments of bliss throughout life
• Great trust and emotional support of each other
• Extraordinary communication: open, hide nothing, no judgement,
• Don't 'fight', can discuss difficult subjects
• Read each other, in sync
• Separateness and great togetherness – differentiated not fused
• Positive impact on others
• Heightened awareness of each other
• Feel connected when apart
• Focus on their sexuality
• Lots of touch
• Intimacy is easy, flows
• Feeling that sex is integral to relational growth

Trust.  

The term ‘trust’ came up more than any other and seems to be the key to the vulnerability and authenticity that defines these relationships. As one participant said: “trust is a thread that runs through this whole conversation”, going on to explain that her husband is "the guy who backs me up 100%. I don’t know that I’ve ever had that level of total support“. 

Other participants agreed that this current relationship is the first in which they have had a high level of trust. One man became quite teary when he said “I don’t entirely think I’ve trusted anyone, if I’ve actually trusted any of my partners, except for L”. Another man felt the same: “this is the first relationship where I’ve felt the trust to be able to be vulnerable”.

Freshness. 

Everyone felt that their relationship continues to feel fresh, even after many years together; and also that it’s light and playful.

Touch. 

All the couples have a great deal of touch in their relationship. They reported this verbally in the interviews and it was also obvious in the way they interacted during the interviews – both through touch and frequent eye contact. This kinaesthetic connection enhances their relationship, providing security, comfort and intimacy.

Sex is a ‘mutual hobby’.

The couples felt so comfortable talking about and exploring their sexuality, that it was as if for them sex is a mutual hobby, something they do for pleasure in their leisure time and which enhances their life together.

As with most hobbies, the participants also study and learn about sex and sexuality, reading books, listening to podcasts, attending workshops and retreats. They see their sexuality as an important and regular topic of conversation and discussion, not just when it is a ‘problem’ but as an ongoing creative exploration and journey of learning and discovery.

Freedom and consciousness. 

Freedom is a strong aspect of their relationships. The freedom to be their conscious, authentic selves. 

One of the men articulated this well when he says it’s “liberation from bizarre culturally constructed roles and dynamics to personal to spiritual to experiential… it’s truth“.

As an example of this conscious freedom, one way in which it manifests is in relation to non-monogamy. All the couples have discussed non-monogamy without judgement and have collaboratively and consciously come to terms with the place it has in their relationship. The agreements they have created differ, there is no one ‘correct’ way to engage in non-monogamy, each couple has determined their own unique approach:

• a fully open relationship where each has their own lover;
• swinging together, but wouldn’t do so alone;
• monogamous, although they would engage with a paid professional, which they have done once;
• open to the possibility and will address it if and when it arises;
• monogamous;
• an agreement have sex with others if it feels right at the time, as long as they share the story after. (Although this couple pointed out that the agreement almost became redundant as soon as it was agreed upon because neither has felt the need to do so!) 

So, whether monogamous or non-monogamous, each couple’s decision has been, and continues to be, a conscious choice. The participants all have a conscious awareness and engagement in relation to their sexuality and it’s place in their relationship and lives. They are not just following established social conditioning. They have examined their sexuality, they have studied and explored, they discuss it freely, often and without judgement.

Differentiation.  

These couples are very differentiated – they are self-aware and simultaneously other-aware. There’s a strong sense of respect and non-judgement in their interactions. This creates a safety which allows them to be vulnerable and authentic with each other, which leads to an erotic charge and the transcendent elements of sexuality. Having that ability to engage in such an open pure way allows the couple to take risks, expose themselves, which allows for growth and transformation. 

So all in all, there are a lot of benefits to your relationship when you focus on creating a great love life!

“When you love your beloved not merely as an unconscious strategy of ego but as an expression of the Eros of existence, outrageous love is awakened inside you, and your entire experience of life changes…. You begin to live the erotic life in every dimension of your non-sexual life. As you re-eroticise your life, you are personally transformed.”

(Gafni & Kincaid, 2017)

How is having a high-level love life transformative? I know from my years of work in this field that it is, so as the research component of my recent Masters of Science in Consciousness, Spirituality and Transpersonal Psychology I investigated this question. With six couples who volunteered to share their great love lives with me, I did a deep dive into how they found they had transformed – personally, relationally and sexually.

This article covers the personal transformation side and the next two articles will cover each of the relational and sexual.

From the interviews and discussions with these couples it was clear that they had grown and transformed and that the focus on sexuality had been a significant part of that growth, but they had all done personal and relational development work as well, which no doubt contributed. Nonetheless, they felt that the sexual had contributed to the personal and they had become:

• More confident 
• More vulnerable and open
• Less guilt, and/or shame
• More open-minded
• More gentle
• More whole
• More embodied
• More intuitive, with more synchronicity in life
• Liberated, free 
• Happier and more joyful

These qualities reminded me of a description of spiritual growth by Steve Taylor that I had read during my studies - and what is personal growth if not spiritual growth?:

"A movement towards an increased expansiveness of being, towards an increased openness, an enhanced awareness, an increased sense of connection and a more authentic and meaningful existence."

So, I asked my research couples whether they felt they had grown as individuals in this way, and they replied:

“We think in all cases our sexual development has led us to being better as individuals on all counts, particularly increased openness, connection and awareness for sure”.

“Yes, to all” 

“Once I’d started work on my own inner self, openness, to feel a true authentic and connected way of life, to “be me”, then the sexual growth bloomed. I feel all these experiences grow with each other. If one element begins to lack lustre the other seem to “pull up” and assist getting all back in sync.” 

“Definitely for me – I was outward looking and expansive already… but having the support and trust to be vulnerable and open has expanded that greatly and made me much more comfortable within my own skin and confident that I can send ever more energy out into the world. My internal world/personal connection to the universe has also increased.”

“Happiness. We’re blessed, so we want to utilise every minute of every day with our beloved; enjoy the present and look forward to and plan the future.”

“There’s no doubt that our sexual development, individually and as a couple, have supported improved trust, openness, connection and authenticity for us both.” 

The experience of the twelve individuals in these six couples certainly does indicate that focusing on sexual growth and awareness leads to greater personal growth, which is something I’ve felt personally in my own life and which I’ve seen with countless clients and retreat and workshop participants.

I often see clients who have put their partner on a sexual pedestal. They believe their partner has their sexual act together, and somehow they have to meet their partner’s sexual level. I see this whether in long-term relationships or in casual encounters.

It’s this belief that you are sexual inadequate and your partner is sexually competent, and you set the sexual bar at the other’s supposed level of sexuality.

This approach is destined to fail.

• For a start, no-one is perfectly sexually proficient, we’re all fallible human beings who are never perfect or totally competent in any area of life.
• Secondly, sexuality is an ever-fluctuating thing, it’s never a static constant ‘level’.
• And most importantly, quality sex is never about meeting another person’s sexual needs/wants/expectations, it’s about two people co-creating a unique experience of pleasure and connection based on their own desires moment-by-moment.

I do see this a lot more in women than in men (including same sex attracted women). No doubt it comes from all those millenia of patriarchy where a women’s sexual role was solely to satisfy the husband. At least back then the demands weren’t so high, just lie back and think of England while he does his business inside you, and pop out a couple of heirs along the way. These days though, the assumed sexual bar is way higher. Women feel they have to provide all sorts of sexual services to satisfy their partner’s presumed expectations.

>And yes, there are men who are still caught up in a toxic masculinity of sexual entitlement. But when we really get down to it, it’s a rare person who wants to engage sexually with a partner who doesn’t want to be there, especially when it’s someone you love.

Often women don’t even realise they’ve internalised an assumption that they have to meet their partner’s needs. They are often shocked to realise they’ve unconsciously put him or her on a pedestal, and that that is why they are feeling inadequate.

Men certainly do this too. I see so many men who are also burdened by the weight of assumed expectations and requirements. The pressure and the anxiety it causes leads them either to avoid sex or to have erectile and ejaculatory problems if they do engage.

Can you see what the underlying problem is here? Notice all the words I’ve used – belief, supposed, assumed, presumed. You don’t know, you’re assuming!

So, the solution is straightforward – find out. Ask, talk, discuss, get curious.

My last blog article was about finessing your understanding of your partner, and there is no area of relational life that requires more understanding, than the sexual. So much of our sexuality is unspoken, unshared, unknown (often even our own, let alone our partner’s). Yet without that awareness of self and other, it’s impossible to co-create. In the sexual realm that means limiting ourselves sexually and generally falling into set scripts and often resulting in little, if any, sex at all.

It’s actually one of the things I love most about my work, seeing how people transform when they realise that they’ve been operating under a whole lot of assumptions about sex and about their partner, which has kept them closed-off, fearful, anxious, feeling inadequate and unsure. That’s a very heavy mantel to be cloaking yourself with in an area of life that is supposed to be light and pleasurable and connecting.

Just this week a couple I’ve been working with for some months came in. Despite her husband’s ongoing insistence that he didn’t want to have sex with her if she didn’t want it, and that he really wanted to know what she wanted, she was really struggling to believe him and remove her entrenched beliefs that sex revolved around his supposed requirements that she had to meet. She attended my Luscious Woman Workshop and came into the next session bright-eyed and beaming saying: “I get it! I totally get it!” Going on to explain how finally being able to let go of all those assumed expectations was such a weight lifted that she is now able to be free to feel and express what she wants. They are now loving the mutuality of sexual intimacy, the lightness and freedom, and are feeling it flow through the whole of their lives together.

This is such a good example of how profound and liberating it is when you can feel and express your authentic sexual self.

What makes a great relationship is being experts on each other.

You are different, always were, always will be. So, what makes you great as a couple is the ability to know, accept, appreciate, and work with the differences.

The similarities, the good stuff, that’s easy. No-one ever comes to me seeking help on how good things are!

Now, you might think you know your partner, but do you really? More likely your concept of your partner is a mix of how they were when you met (a time when you probably did pay a lot of attention) and your interpretation of who they are based on who you are…

Never assume you know your partner. You don’t. Keep paying attention and being curious. Keep discovering each other. You are endlessly fascinating. The more you each understand yourself and the other, the better you will understand your dynamic and be able to continuously co-create a secure, engaged relationship (or jointly and amicably agree to end it if it’s done its time).

Don’t make the other wrong. They are just different. The way you are, the way you see the world is not ‘right’, it’s just familiar, so it feels ‘normal’. But there is no ‘normal, we’re all individuals with individual histories and life experiences which have created a unique individual in the present moment, and one that will continue to be created throughout your whole life. You can never know a person fully, you can never know your partner fully, hey, you can’t ever know yourself fully!

So, how do you know your partner, really? You need to pay attention, you need to be curious, you need to ask, you need to listen and you need to reflect back to show that you’re hearing and understanding.

This is actually very hard to do. It’s hard to understand another person’s reality, how they experience the world. That’s in part because it’s hard to express it. You need time to do this well. You need to sit down together, look at each other, and take it in turns to talk and listen and ask and inquire to gather more information and to help each other express yourselves. Stay curious and open-hearted. You love each other and want to know each other more.  

Then keep finessing that awareness, keeping on modifying and expanding your awareness of each other, keep co-creating a relationship that weathers the inevitable challenges of life and enables you to appreciate and enhance all the good stuff!

Consider sex an energy rather than a behaviour. Just as we can sense love, and feel the energy of love with our hearts, the energy of sex is the same. With sex though, the energy comes from our pelvis, our sexual centre. 

But it’s not the ‘horny’ sense of sexual arousal, with an energy that wants to leave the body. That’s part of sex, sure. But the true sexual energy is a vital, life-giving force that rises upwards in the body, keeping us young and enlivened. When you let the sexual energy rise in this way, and combine it with your love energy, it becomes a beautiful potent energy that you can share with your partner all throughout your life. It connects you, nourishing your relationship and keeping an erotic flow going between you. This can be cultivated in myriad small ways of looks, smiles, acts of sweetness, through to longer friendly, intimate and sexual encounters. You feel it when you are together and also when you are apart.

After attending one of my couples retreats, one man described this as though their connection was “a frequency that had shifted from AM to FM”.

More recently, a male client described it as ”a lingering sense of each other”, which I think is a particularly beautiful and poetic way to describe this energtic connection.

It’s a sense of comfort, with a touch of yearning and vitality. With this “lingering sense of each other” the whole of your life together becomes sex. This gorgeous potent energy is always flowing between you. 

How do you know when you’re having good sex? When there are no negative feelings and emotions associated with it. That is, when it comes from, feels like and results in positive states.

There are so many negative emotions associated with sex – shame, guilt, fear, obligation, disgust, entitlement, boredom, as well as negative physical sensations of pain and discomfort. None of these make for good sex. So, ask yourself:

What’s driving you? 

If you feel obliged to do it to keep your partner happy, it’s not good sex.

If you feel an expectation that you should have sex, it’s not good sex.

If you feel entitled to sex regardless of where your partner’s at, it’s not good sex.

How does it feel when you’re doing it?

If it’s painful or uncomfortable, it’s not good sex.

If it’s boring, it’s not good sex.

If you wish it would end, it’s not good sex.

If you feel you have to hit certain KPIs, it’s not good sex.

If you’re doing what your partner wants not what you want, it’s not good sex

If you were enjoying it, but now you’re not and you don’t stop, it’s not good sex.

How does it feel afterwards?

If you feel shame, it’s not good sex.

If you feel disgust, it’s not good sex.

If you feel relief it’s over (and you won’t have to do it again for a while), it’s not good sex.

Well, that all sounds pretty negative! So when is it good?

It’s good sex when you are engaging because you truly want to, it’s mutual, it’s pleasurable, it’s connected, you’re engaging in a way that you feel good moment by moment, and it leaves you feeling that your life has been enhanced for the doing of it.

It’s the same with more specific desires. What’s driving them?

For example, say a man wants to watch his wife having sex with another man. Is this coming from an internalised shame that he doesn’t deserve a woman like her? Or is it coming from the fact that watching her as a third person gives him a different perspective that adds to the sexiness and his pleasure? If it’s the first there are unresolved negative emotions driving the desire, and if it’s the second then the desire is coming from a positive place.

To take another example, say a woman wants to be submissive sexually. Is this because she is too ashamed to express her desires and wants her partner to be in control so she doesn’t have to say anything? Or is it because being submissive enhances her eroticism and pleasure (and she’s discussed this with her partner in great detail previously)? If it’s the former it’s coming from a negative state and if it’s the latter then it’s positive.

One more example, say someone is diligently attempting to give their partner an orgasm, but it’s not happening. Are they persevering because they feel they’ll have ‘failed’ if their partner doesn’t have an orgasm? Or are they persevering because they are enjoying the experience of pleasuring their partner regardless of the outcome (and knowing their partner will let them know either way)? If it’s the former it’s coming from a negative expectation and if it’s the latter it’s positive.

So you can see that it’s not about specific behaviours being good or bad, it’s what driving them. Pretty well anything is ok (assuming it’s sane and legal) if it’s engaged in with self-awareness and open sharing with your partner.

Pay attention to what you’re feeling before during and after, you’ll learn so much about yourself. Share with each other, support each other, and you’ll find that you’ll clear negativity associated with your sexuality. And of course, if you’re finding it challenging, see a professional like me to help shine a light and gain clarity!

A ‘perfect’ relationship is not one that has no conflict. It’s not that you are so ‘perfectly aligned’ that you never differ. That’s actually a sign that you are either seriously emotionally avoidant and not sharing your true feelings, or that there is a major power differential in the relationship where one always defers to the other.

Of course there is going to be difference – you are different people with different feelings and ideas and wants and needs. You always have and you lways will. From the myriad of small things throughout the day – what you’re having for dinner, who’s picking up the kids from school, through to major life issues like parenting styles, where you live, how you deal with aging parents, and of course sexual issues– you will inevitably differ on many issues.

Does that mean you have to fight and have a fractious relationship? Not at all. But it does mean that you have to develop your relationship skills so that you handle difference well.

I describe this in three ways: how you prevent conflict, how you manage it when it occurs, and how you repair quickly if it goes bad.

Prevent Conflict

As I said, difference is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean it has to turn into conflict. A good couple will talk through issues without it escalating into all-out war. This means you are each clear about your own views so you can each express yourself well; that you both pay attention to what the other is saying so that you understand the other’s point of view; and that you can manage your own state to stay calm and assist your partner to stay calm so that the conversation stays clean and constructive.

Manage Conflict

That all sounds good! But the reality is that sometimes we don’t manage ourselves all that well or don’t listen to our partner well, and that can lead to arguments and fights. What is happening here is that our nervous systems are getting dysregulated so we’re in fight or flight mode and things are getting heated. We’re not in control of ourselves and we’re certainly not paying attention to our partner. They’ve become a threat and we’re protecting ourselves. The ‘us’ is gone.

To manage this situation, we need to learn to soothe our own nervous system, and simultaneously help to soothe our partner’s nervous system. Until your nervous systems are calm again, you’re not going to be able to resolve anything, the ‘rational’ parts of your brain are switched off and your whole body is prioritising resources to protect itself. So, focus on slow deep breathing, maintain a calm tone of voice, use words of affection, put on the kettle or go for a walk. Remember – calm first, and only then can you resolve. This is how you manage yourselves when it gets wobbly.

Repair conflict

And, yes, sometimes despite our best efforts things get so heated that we explode and/or storm off, nothing is resolved, and we’re each left feeling angry and hurt and confused and unloved. So, an important skill of good relating is to repair quickly when things go bad. Once your nervous system has regulated, move toward your partner gently, checking to see if they are ready for that (some nervous systems take longer to regulate) and reach out with love. Use ‘we’ language: “We didn’t handle that well”, and reassure that ‘we’ are still good: “I do love you and I’m sorry for my part in that going wobbly”. Then set a time to discuss the issue again, whether it’s there and then or at a more suitable time.

These three vital skills will help you manage the inevitable wobbly times in a healthy relationship: prevent, manage and repair.

The Netflix series Bridgerton has been hugely popular. This Regency-era romance series has had audiences rivetted by both the slow burn courting as well as the quality sex scenes.

I've been interviewed twice by journalists on the show – one on the romance side, which you can read here, and one on the sex side, which you can read here.

I was more than happy to do the interviews, because even though I found the storyline itself pretty light and trite (spoiler alert – she gets her man!), there are some good takeaways from the show.

Firstly, and traditionally, there is great inspiration in the way the couples court. It is slow and subtle, yet builds up an incredible erotic charge. As I’m quoted saying in the first article:

"Even if it's just a nice kiss on the cheek – you can still do that in an erotic way. I think Bridgerton showed us just how erotic the bare minimum can be, especially when these days people think they have to be naked and doing all sorts of crazy things on the first date. Energetic frisson is incredibly powerful and something we’ve really lost lately. It's the building of anticipation and sexual chemistry without doing anything overt."

Secondly, and more contemporarily, the sex scenes are excellent. To quote myself in the second article:

"We're starting to see sex portrayed differently on TV. Sex as art, sex as love, sex as something meaningful ... it's not porn, which is simply entertainment that can tap into the unresolved issues we have around sex."

The journalist was intrigued by what I meant by meaningful, quality sex. My reply was:

"In a 'bad' example it’s all about the sex and not about the connection. What we see in Bridgerton is a very deep connection between the lovers. We see the progression of the lovemaking, right from the frisson … often in movies they are up against the wall, not even looking at each other. Good sex happens between two sets of eyes, two sets of lips, two entire bodies."

Rather than the standard intense passion quickly moving to intercourse, shows such as this one as well as Outlander and Sense8 are showing better quality sex scenes (I'm sure there are others, those are two that I've seen). These scenes show the intricacies of sexual engagement: the connection between the partners, the lead-up to the genital engagement, a slower build, male partners pleasuring female partners, manual and oral pleasuring not just intercourse. You can see that it’s not just about 'getting off' but much more about tenderness and love and pleasure.

I sometimes get clients saying they want to have sex 'like on Outlander', so I encourage the couple to watch the sex scenes together and describe what it is about what they are seeing that is so erotic and appealing. It can really help a couple convey their sexual desire to each other. Often the subtleties can be hard to explain, often it's about what’s not happening as much as what is, so watching and pointing out what is being experienced is a great way to share and understand….and then practice!

I see a lot of couples who get on well, are very affectionate, are kind and polite with each other, yet find it hard to get to sex.  They might be holding hands and sharing little kisses throughout the day, working well as a team to get stuff done around the house, manage the kids, etc, but then…the reality of getting naked in bed together…? Well, sometimes that feels like too much of a stretch.

To these couples I say – focus on the cuddle-plus!

You see, they’re missing the phase between affection and sex. Just because you’re getting on well and are affectionate, are cuddling on the couch, it doesn’t mean you can go straight from that to full-on passionate, genital engagement.

The cuddle+ phase is where you go beyond simply the “oh I like you” to “mmm, I like you!”  This is where you connect with your eyes, where your kisses linger longer than a peck, your conversation doesn’t go beyond what is happening between you and me right here right now, where touch moves from comforting to arousing, where you are sinking in and syncing together.

As I’ve stressed so often, in a long-term relationship this is probably not going to be intensely passionate, it may well be more of a chilled build. But it’s a delicious chill. After all, isn’t it better to savour a bottle of wine rather than skull it down in a rush…? This really is like savouring each other, taking the time to connect and delight in each other.

Sometimes I challenge couples to “make love without involving their genitals”. What I’m asking here is for them to explore the cuddle+ zone.

I’ll put that challenge to you too. Give it a go, see how wonderful this savouring of each other can be, and then if it does evolve into genital engagement, you may well find that you’re entering into a whole new realm…

Consent is of course essential to quality sex. I think we all agree on that in the year 2021. But generally, that’s considered a ‘yes’ at the start of a linear process that once started has to go through all the steps, right to the end, meeting all the expected KPI’s along the way. That’s what the ‘yes’ has agreed to.

But what if you don’t want to go through the linear process? What if you don’t know yet if you want step 2 or 3 or 4 or whatever your script is? Or even if you thought you might, what if you change your mind along the way and want to do something different or stop altogether? In the standard model of sex it’s too late, you’ve already said ‘yes’, you’ve already given consent.

Or conversely, if you think your consent is saying yes to the whole process and you don’t know yet if you want to go to the later steps, then you might say ‘no’ up-front. Which is rather like saying ‘no’ to a meal because you don’t know if you’ll want dessert yet.

In the non-linear approach to sex that I advocate, consent is a moment-by-moment experience. What am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Then, what am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Then, what am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Throughout the whole experience.

Having this conscious, mindful awareness of where you’re at, and communicating it with each other (checking in verbally if you’re not sure) means that you break free of the limited linear scripts that most people fall into. Instead you open yourself up to a co-created process of authentic self-expression. That way the sexual encounter can be as simple as a kiss and a cuddle, all the way through to potentially hours of varied love-making.

What’s important is what you are feeling in the moment and expressing that. In this way a sexual act evolves, it unfolds moment-by-moment. Each sexual encounter becomes unique, meeting your needs and desires at all points along the way, creating an experience of mutuality, connection, pleasure and satisfaction.