Communication is so fundamental to co-creating a great life together. Whether it’s as simple as agreeing on what you’re going to have for dinner, through to big topics like how you manage your finances, every aspect of relating needs good communication. This is never more important than when it comes to sex, but…talking about sex is one of the hardest things for a couple to do.

Why is this? Well, some people think you shouldn’t have to talk about sex, it “should just come naturally”; some people only talk about sex when there’s a problem so when they do it’s heavy and negative; and a lot of people are simply too shy. Yet without talking about it, it’s not going to be good. Imagine if you didn’t talk about what you wanted to eat, or where you wanted to go on holidays, how you raise the kids – how good, or more likely bad, would your life together be?

So, let’s take a look at the three types of sexual communication you need to have a great love life.

Chit-Chat

Chit-chat is talking about sex in general. As I described in another blog article, you need to treat your love life like a mutual hobby – something you do for pleasure in your leisure time – and discuss it as openly and positively as you would a mutual hobby. So you converse about sex – your hopes, dreams, desires, fears, concerns. How you’re feeling about your sex life, what you might like, any interesting ideas you might have. You can talk about your own sex life or sex in general. I’ve had couples tell me they read one of my blogs or listen to a podcast as inspiration for a good conversation about sex and intimacy.

It’s in these general chats about sex, outside of the act itself, that you can have deeper conversation and gain more understanding of each other’s sexuality, as well as your own. I had some clients just the other day who’d been talking about threesomes together, never thinking that they would ever actually have one – then found themselves not long after taking an unexpected opportunity to engage in one! They said that if they hadn’t talked about it earlier, they wouldn’t have taken the plunge and it certainly wouldn’t have been the enjoyable experience that it was.

It’s not just about pushing your boundaries though, it can be about anything that could enhance your lovelife – redecorating the bedroom, dealing with kids’ bedtimes better, helping each other feel more comfortable with sex in general. There are a lot of elements that go into make a great sex life and the more aware of them you are, the better it will be.

In the Moment

This is how you communicate during a sexual encounter. It’s how you let each other know where you’re at and what you are wanting and experiencing. Obviously, this is very different to chit chat! It’s not lengthy conversation, this type of communication doesn’t even have to be verbal. Sounds and moans and groans convey a lot of information, so let yourself express in this way (making sounds can increase the pleasure too, depending on what you’re doing).

It is good to be able to verbalise some of the time though, such as to give feedback: “slower” “faster” “to the left” “to the right” “just gotta move a touch” “mmm, that’s good” “oh god oh god oh god” “I’m feeling pretty sated now” and so forth. Words are also useful for checking in with your partner (preferably said in sultry sexy voice): “so…how’s this?” “would you like more?” “how about we…?” “could you/I…”

And you can communicate in the moment with signals: you can guide your partner’s hands to where you want or don’t want them; you can guide your partner’s body in various ways; you can use gentle taps on their body to indicate increasing or decreasing intensity. Of course, you need to verbally communicate what these physical signs could be and mean during your chit chats and not just try and guess during the act itself!

The Debrief

And then there’s the debrief, a gentle sharing of how you found the experience once it’s over. It’s such a good time to communicate about sex. You’re lying in the afterglow, feeling all loved-up and connected, so it’s a great time to reflect in a soft snuggly way about how you found it and what you liked, what you might have done that was a different or what you considered doing even if you didn’t, before drifting off to sleep or getting up to continue the day.

So, improve your communication skills in these three ways and co-create a great sex life that lasts your whole life long!

This is the text of a talk I gave at Generation Woman, about "What I Desire":

The simplest way to describe me is as a Sex Geek. I am fascinated by sex and love and intimacy in all its aspects – the physical, emotional, mental, social, anthropological and the spiritual. So, when it comes to talking about desire, well, that’s what I do all day. But it’s other people’s desire, or the concept in general; I rarely talk about my own, publicly, so this is a little different for me. And when I’m talking to an audience of women it’s usually for two days at a time, not five minutes. 

So, how do I talk about a topic I have dedicated my life to exploring, in five minutes, in a personal way…?

Well, given that people are always asking me how I became a sex therapist, I thought I’d start with how my desire for desire started. And if a shamanic journey I went on a few years ago is to be believed, it all started several lifetimes ago when I was a Tibetan lama, exploring how sexual energy can be used for spiritual growth – but ended up inadvertently traumatising a bunch of women, and slunk off in abashed horror and didn’t touch the subject again. In that experience, on that other plane of time and space, I was in a circle of those women, and had to bow down to each one and ask forgiveness, and I received it, as a blessing. It was beautiful. It explains why this time, in this plane of time and space, I’m a woman, have always understood the power of sexuality, but had, until that experience, felt some reluctance to express it – this stuff is dangerous!

But, a little more prosaically, and looking at this life-time, I cast my mind back 15 years, not long after my third child was born. It was at a social event for the parents at my eldest child’s school. There was a couple there; the woman had sadly been widowed the year before and she was there with her new boyfriend. They were obviously in the throes of new love and people were teasing them with comments of ‘enjoy it while it lasts’, ‘It never lasts’ and so forth. 

Well, I’d had a few drinks and piped up with ‘What do you mean? My husband and I are having the best sex we’ve ever had!’ The group went quiet, there were stunned faces all around, and then there was a rush of comments; ‘How can you say you’re having the best sex you’ve ever had? You’ve got three kids. You’ve got a baby for christssake – how can you be having any sex, let alone the best sex ever?!”

The penny dropped – I realised that all those jokes about sex getting bad in long-term relationships were actually true. This was people’s grim reality. Oh my god, these people needed help! So, I wrote a book for parents, Great Sex After Kids, did a master’s degree in sexual health to qualify as a sex therapist, and haven’t looked back.

It’s been an amazing 15 years, following my passion. My marriage ended not long after. ‘Can’t you just be normal?’ pleaded my rather boring husband, “Ah, no,” I replied. We’d always had a great sex life, but there started an even more amazing journey of discovery, depth and richness. I wish I had several hours to tell you some of my experiences, so that you could really understand how awesome it is to be a sexually empowered woman!

But I don’t, so I want simply to say that my desire is that all women, all people in fact, (but tonight’s about us), that all women become sexually empowered. 

We’re only just coming out of the dark ages of female sexual suppression, and we’re all a bit confused about it. We had thousands of years under the patriarchy, with  female sexuality being solely used to satisfy men’s sexuality. You were either the good girl or the bad girl. If you were the good girl, the purpose of your sexuality was to make offspring for your husband to continue his family line, and if you were the bad girl, the purpose of your sexuality was to provide pleasure for him – and never the twain would meet. The peak of this suppression was the Victorian era, just 120 years ago. At that time, it was medical dogma that women were not sexual and had no sexual feelings or responses.

But that’s all back-to-front! My secret for you women here tonight, and take this knowledge deep into your souls, deep into your wombs, is that women are more sexual than men. Our sexual response is broader, richer, greater than a man’s. Even Masters and Johnson, the original sex researchers back in the 1950’s, said that women’s sexual response far outweighs men’s. 

And this is my second secret to you. I’ve spoken in intimate detail to thousands of men about their sex lives and I always ask them the question: what do you love most about sex? What they all reply, even the dick-heads, is: her pleasure. A man cannot truly enjoy sex if his partner isn’t enjoying it. Men do not like the feeling of masturbating inside their partners. 

I have a men’s panel at my women’s workshop, where the participants can ask a panel of five or six men anything at all. Recently someone asked them what it feels like when their penis is inside a vagina. Well, they all looked like they were having a beatific vision, then one said, ‘It feels pathetically grateful!’ and they all looked at each other and nodded.

The penis is not an instrument of oppression. It only is if you feel oppressed. If you feel empowered, it is an instrument of love and pleasure. When you invite that instrument of love and pleasure deep into your vagina, when you embrace it with your warmth and softness and hold it deep, right up into your womb-space, that most powerful and sacred place in the entire universe, that place where the mystery of life is created, that space which only women have. When you invite him there, when you hold him there, in heaven, you allow him to soften, to release all the sexual baggage that men also hold, you allow pure, rich pleasure, a pleasure that makes us porous to love.

‘What the world needs now is love’. ‘Make love not war’. ‘Follow your bliss’. All these slogans from the 60’s, the decade of my birth, are true. It took half a century from the Victorian era to get to that realisation, and it’s taken another half to progress to getting to the #metoo and now the Gillette movements. It’s not that long, really, considering the patriarchy was around for three thousand years or more.

What we need, my sexy sexual sisters, is not continuing a war between the sexes; we’re not from Mars and Venus, we’re all from Earth. We’ve got to break out of this patriarchal mode of thinking that men are still somehow controlling our sexuality and own our sexuality. Own it from the inside. It’s not just about the sex act, it’s about feeling this powerful, creative, joyful energy that is inside all of us, and letting it flow.

That is my desire.

I am a big fan of lazy sex. Hey, I’m a busy woman and ‘lazy’ is often the most I can manage. But lazy doesn’t have to mean boring. Let me share with you the simple pleasures of lazy sex….

I often find clients say they don’t have the energy for sex, as if it’s a given that sex needs to be energetic. It doesn’t. We’ve all been misled that way because sex scenes in movies tend to be passionate and fast, porn certainly doesn’t show lazy sex – how boring would that be to watch! And if we think back to when we were young, yes, it probably was more intense.

If you think about other pleasures in life though – food, music, walking in nature, conversing with friends – we don’t assume they have to be intense and passionate. So why should sex?

Of course, it can be, there’s nothing wrong with a good intense shag with lots of varied activities along the way. If you have the time and energy and you’re both in the mood for that, great, go for it. But if you’re not, rather than missing out on pleasure and connection, take a different approach.

I remember a client I had once who said that she liked sex, but rarely did it as she didn’t have the energy for “all the foreplay”. I asked if she felt she needed the foreplay to be ready for intercourse and she said no, as long as they’d cuddled and kissed she was ready. So, I said – well, do that then. She looked at me really puzzled: “Can I?” she asked. “Yes, of course,” I assured her. “But I thought you had to do all that oral sex and stuff first and often I just can’t be bothered…”

As I say over and over again – sex is whatever feels right at the time. There are no rules, as long as it’s what you both want in the moment.

So, if you haven’t got a lot of energy, but you want intimate connection, then do it the lazy way! 

For a start, if one of you has more energy than the other, then the more energetic partner can be more active while the less energetic one is more passive. I recall when my third child was born, I was exhausted by night-time! So sometimes I’d just lie there while my then husband admired my naked form and masturbated. If I had the energy I might have tickled his balls, but that was about it. It was probably the least ‘exciting’ sex of my life, but it was connecting and got us through a period when that was the most we could manage.

The point here is that sex doesn’t have to be tit-for-tat. If one goes down on the other for 4.8 minutes, it doesn’t mean the other has to then go down for 4.8 minutes. It’s what each of you wants and needs – and is capable of.

Or, if you are both tired, go for lazy positions. Spoon position is the classic lazy position, where you are both on your sides. With a slow in and out while snuggling in close – it’s brilliant for connection and gentle pleasure. Remember, you don’t have to orgasm if you don’t want to, sometimes that’s too much effort, just having the vagina cuddle the penis can feel great. In fact, a beautiful Tantric sex practice is ‘plugging in’ where you do just lie with genitals joined and simply feel into it without moving. It’s a lovely way to start the day.

That’s if you even want intercourse. Simply lying naked skin-on-skin is comforting and intimate. As I like to stress, making love is not a euphemism for sex, you can make love in all sorts of ways without joining genitals, including very slow, soft, tender, barely-there ways. And if you adopt the non-linear approach I advocate, where whatever happens happens, without expectation that it has go somewhere or meet KPIs, then you really can just cuddle naked, or give each other sensual touch, or tell a story, or gaze into each other’s eyes, or have long lingering luscious kisses…and that’s all. Because it’s all making love. And often the simple and tender is even more rich in feeling than the shagadelic approach.

Try it. I’m sure you’ll like it.

Sometimes a client tells me they feel they are too ‘needy’ because they want to connect with their partner more. Or in contrast, a client tells me they feel their partner is too ‘needy’ because they want to connect with them more. And occasionally they are right, the ‘needy’ partner lacks self-assurance and uses their partner to fill a hole in themselves. But more often the clients have bought into a belief, so common in our society, that idolises individuality.

Yet humans are social creatures, we are pair-bonding creatures. It’s not ‘needy’ to desire connection, it’s human.

We’ve evolved that way. Why? Because we have very large brains and therefore very large skulls. This means that compared to most other mammal species, humans give birth to our young very prematurely, while the infant’s skull is still small enough to get out of the mother. So, our infants are born totally helpless – they can’t even hold up their heads! It takes seven years for a human infant to get to the level of independence that most mammals get to in a few weeks or months.

Other mammal species don’t need fathers. Once he’s done his job of impregnation the mother can gestate, birth and raise her infants all on her own. There is no ‘fatherhood’ in other mammal species, it’s not needed. But with humans, with our demanding, slow-growing young, a human mother couldn’t do that on her own, she needed the dad to stick around and help. And not just the dad, the grandparents – in fact the whole tribe! Which is a key reason why humans have always got around in groups, why families stick together and why we pair-bond. Having our tribe, our family, our beloved around and in close contact leads humans to feeling safe and secure, content and loved-up; and that's what enables us to raise our young and survive as a species.

Love and connection is actually the driver of human evolution. This cooperation and connection has enabled humans to evolve to develop our big brains and be the successful species that we are.

Sure, we need alone time too, but the total loner is an exception in humans. The drive to independence that we’ve had in western society is not natural. It doesn’t make us happy. So, people who lack human connection seek satisfaction through money and power and the other external trappings of “success”, or through drugs, alcohol and screen-based entertainment to numb or distract from the disconnect. None of which provide the calm contentment and genuine satisfaction that connection brings.

How do we get that connection? Through conversation, through doing things together and for each other, through hugs and touch, through smiles, through knowing others and being known. The closer other people are to us, the more important the connection is. A smile and a nod is a pleasant connection with a neighbour, with our partner though, we need a lot more – time together, lots of touch and smiles and so importantly, sexual intimacy, the type of connection that we don’t get from anyone else (even if you are in an open or polyamorous relationship, the connection between the primary partners needs to be the strongest). And as so much of my writing and work is about, that sexual intimacy is deep and connected, not the disconnected fucking that so many people unfortunately think of as ‘sex’.

If you’ve come from an emotionally constipated family where touch and other forms of connection weren’t strong, you might find this hard. But don’t worry, it’s just learned behaviour and can be unlearned. Because the need for connection, especially touch, is so innate in humans, it can be relearned.  I can assure you that with focus, practice and support from your partner and other loved ones, and possibly with a good therapist, you can become more comfortable with touch, connection and true intimacy.  Trust me, it feels so good once you open up. You don’t have to be an island unto yourself, you can connect with individuals, groups, with humanity as a whole, and so importantly, with the earth and the ecosystem of which we are all one. 

Men can have a bit of a jack-hammer approach to thrusting, lots of tension and tightness, which can be ok if you’re focusing on friction to gain arousal rather than feeling. To move into deeper, more connected love-making you’ll need to master a broader repertoire of thrusts.

It's not just the men though. Intercourse is not simply a man thrusting into a passive partner. She needs to be engaged in her pelvis and moving with the motion too. Ideally you're moving in a harmonic unison. So these points, while directed to men, apply to the woman too. (And apologies for being so heterocentric, it applies whenever there is a penis or phallic object moving in and out of a partner.)

Important Point #1: Relax your hips

Keep your pelvic area relaxed, hips, buttocks, belly. You’ll feel more, you’ll have more control over your movements, you’ll be more sensitive to how your partner's body is responding, and you’ll move more freely and smoothly.

Important Point #2: Focus on the Out as much as the In

Rather than focusing on the in-in-in-in, which gives a jerky intense feel to the thrust, focus on the out as much as the in. This gives a more sensual flowing feel to the thrust.

It also means that rather than your partner bracing herself against the constant influx of thrusts, she too gets into a flowing rhythm of welcoming in the thrust, engaging with it and then releasing with the outward movement. It keeps a dynamic of wanting and receiving going that maintains high states of arousal for long periods of time.

Important Point #3: Vary the Rhythm

Think of your thrusting like music – you don’t want it to be constant intense thrash metal! Nor do you want it to be a constant lead-up to a grand crescendo. Like good music, a good session of love-making will be varied, periods of intensity interspersed with gentler movements.

Important Point #4: Vary the Stroke

It’s not all deep thrusting in and out. Sometimes you’ll just thrust shallowly with the head of your penis at the entry of her vagina. Sometimes you’ll be all the way in and thrust shallowly, only moving a little. Sometimes you’ll intersperse shallow thrusts with deep thrusts – try a rhythm five shallow to one deep. Sometimes you’ll thrust slowly in bit by bit, deeper and deeper. Sometimes you might want to thrust more to the sides than straight in, or you might try circles or more of a grinding effect.

Important Point #5: Bang with your Body not your Penis

To give the sense of banging hard, which can feel really good for the woman if she’s in the mood for it, rather than poking hard with your penis, swing in with your hips with your body weight behind it. When done well (and check in with her to know this) this will give a wave of pleasure throughout her body.

Important Point #5: Manage Your Arousal

When you master the art of the thrust you can last for ages. The relaxed swing of the thrust allows you to manage your arousal levels, keeping you at a heightened state without tipping over into ejaculation. If you feel yourself getting too close to the edge, change the nature of the thrust, slowing down, moving less, pausing, changing position.

Thrusting in this way feels great for a woman and gives her the necessary stimulation to be able to enter into heightened states of arousal herself, having waves of orgasms that flood her whole body.

It’s an art worth mastering!

This piece of erotic fiction is the Creative Synthesis I wrote as part of the research dissertation for my Masters of Science degree in Consciousness, Spirituality and Transpersonal Psychology. The research topic was: A Heuristic Inquiry into the Transformative Potential of Optimal Sexuality within a Relational Context.

You'll find reading this erotic fiction an easy and enjoyable way of getting across the findings - which is essentially the essence of the overall approach in this blog...

You can also read two case studies of the research participants after the story.

F-Day Anniversary

Her:

You wake. It’s the eighth anniversary of F-Day – Freedom Day. The day you discovered your tedious husband was bonking one of the attendants at the golf club. You’ll never forget the feeling – first a numbness from the shock, then an incredible feeling of release. It was as though something woke up in your belly, in your womb, and slowly expanded throughout your body, awakening a joy, a release, an aliveness you hadn’t felt in years, if ever. You recall your surprise as it actually felt sexual, this feeling of your whole body being awake and alive. Nothing like the dutiful dull, late-night rutting of your husband relieving himself inside you – not that that happened much anymore, he seemed as jaded by it all as you; nor anything like the early years of youthful sleeping around because you were drunk, horny and it seemed like fun at the time. No, this felt like… I Am Woman! I Am Powerful! I Am Free!

These past eight years, really, it’s like a totally different life. Everything changed. You learned to meditate and continue to practice daily; you took up contact improv dancing and learned to express and connect; you got back into art in a way you hadn’t since you were teenager, when you’d stay back hours after school immersed in your passion…

It was at your first exhibition that you met the man now lying next to you. It wasn’t exactly love at first sight, but there was something about the ease with which he held himself, his genuine interest in you and your art, that led you to agree to meet for a drink, then dinner, then…. a marvelous journey of life and love together.

You roll over and nestle into him, feeling his warmth, his physicality. Six years on and it feels as new as it ever did. A world away from that old relationship, this is one is fully mutual, every aspect of it open to discussion, every aspect co-created. And the sex! You’d gone a little crazy after the separation, you wanted to discover and explore and yes, you had a lot of great experiences and learned a lot about yourself. But this, the depth of engagement, well, you’d always had a sense in the core of your being that it could be like this, but to experience it, over and over again, for it to get better and better…

You reflect on the night before, how you’d come to bed after a long but satisfying day in the studio, greeted by your smiling partner who had dimmed the lights and turned on music. Just walking into the bedroom felt like sanctuary, a place of peace. He’d had a restful day and was wanting to engage sexually. So tired, you thanked him for the offer, for his desire, expressing how in that moment you were just too tired. He offered instead to simply stroke your skin…

So softly, so lovingly, you feel yourself letting go, the thoughts of the day settling, in their place a feeling of calm and peace, while your body softens and opens. His caresses cover your whole torso, arms, breasts, belly, passing between your legs, gently, softly, lightly.

“Mmm, come inside”. No more is needed, you are ready to invite him in, to let him enter you, to embrace him on the inside. The entry is gentle, slow. Legs wrapped around him, arms too, you both rest on full entry, feeling into the intimacy of the connection, closer than is ever possible. Your whole body is awake, alight, small tremors of bliss running through your body.

He rolls you over. You feel his weight. It is both comforting and erotic. You turn your head to watch the reflection in the mirror. In the dim light you admire the curves of his body, his buttocks moving in, and out, feeling the tension of your arched pelvis, your whole being awash in deliciousness. He reaches around to touch your clit, no, you brush his hand away, that would be too focused, take you away from the bliss state you’re in…

You smile as you recall how it was so lovely yet you were so tired you started to fall asleep. So, you both stopped. He too was in a state of bliss and didn’t need to climax. You can’t quite remember, but you think you fell asleep with him still inside you.

Him:

You wake as you feel your partner stir and nestle her body into yours, you raise a gentle smile as her hand rests on your sleeping penis. It’s soothing. You breathe into the feeling, grateful for her tenderness, her love, her strength. You know it is F-Day for her, she might speak lightly of it, but you know how hard it was and what courage it took for her to turn her life around and to explore and grow so much. You are so grateful. After so many years of holding on to the dream that one day you would meet a woman who could truly be your partner, finally you did. After years of needy women, narcissistic women, unavailable women, women more interested in your bank balance or your sperm than you as a person, after years of personal and spiritual development, you did indeed meet the love of your life. You don’t know whether it was simply chance or some push from forces unknown that led you to cut through a little laneway that evening and so pass by a tiny art gallery that had people spilling out onto the pavement, laughing and chatting as they drank champagne. You’re not sure why you went into the gallery, yet you did, and met the artist, a petite woman, as tiny as the gallery she was exhibiting in, but with a radiance that belied her size and drew you in… and which led to now, a relationship that isn’t easy - she can be fiery and you fixedly stubborn, you actually agreed to couples therapy and attending a retreat early on to learn how to relate well – but that has such ease. There’s a sense of being known and accepted and truly loved.

And the sex! Your penis stirs, thickening a little at the thought. Your mind drifts back to a weekend in the mountains a month ago…

You have tied her to the bed. Intricate crochet runs up each leg, her torso, around her arms stretched to the bedhead. You are the artist, and she the art. The creativity, the sensuality of the rope, her skin, the ever so slow pace of looping the rope into knots, sensing her shift into a deeper and deeper state of letting go, your own state of flow, creates such a deep erotic charge. In a rustic cabin with wide windows overlooking the forest, it feels primal, extraordinarily arousing. You’d been surprised when she first mentioned her desire for this, not long after you met. At first wary - you were no macho domineering male – with lots of discussion you realised that it had nothing to do with power, and everything to do with sensuality, connection, expression. You even went to rope school to learn more! This openness, this sharing, is what makes this relationship so right, it’s all on the table - your desires, your fears. You’ve never been with a woman who you could trust enough to be so vulnerable and so open.

You lose track of time. You’re aware that the sky through the windows changes from blue to pink to indigo, yet there is just an intense experience of now. Your awareness moves from your inner physicality, to your combined physicality, to a sense of merging with all around you. At times you sense other beings in the space, it seems odd, but it feels like Bacchus is sitting beatifically in the corner watching you, a huge smiling horned Buddha. You feel blessed.

You can totally let go. You don’t have to be responsible for her – you already know her pleasures from all your discussions, and most importantly, you know she’s responsible for herself so will let you know in the moment if there is anything she wants or doesn’t like. No mind-reading! Such freedom! You find you can simply flow with the experience, your mind still, your body engaged, your heart open and your soul alive. You love all the ways she responds: periods of heightened ecstatic state, localised clitoral explosions, waves of orgasm where pleasure flows through her whole body bringing on shudders and shakes. You feel these too, allowing the pleasure to flow in your body and only choosing ejaculatory orgasm once you know the encounter is ending, releasing expansively as her final wave of orgasm crests.

You still feel the heightened awareness throughout the next day as you hike through the forest, your senses more aware, the air fresher, the bird calls clearer, the vegetation lusher, the awareness of her presence walking next to you more vibrant…

Them:

Your reflections of these recent encounters leave you reflecting on how the feeling of love and bliss that arises in your sexual union permeates the whole of life. It is so joyful. You feel more alive than ever, more grateful for existence than ever. Everything is heightened – from the flavours of breakfast that you have together every morning, through to your work and your play. You feel more confident, more engaged with life. It’s easy to be your true self, and you notice that this has a positive effect on others. It feels easy to give back to the world as you are receiving so much within your own small part of it. Each sexual encounter is cleansing and purifying, releasing a sexual energy which refreshes and rejuvenates you throughout the rest of life.

“Mmm” you groan in pleasure at the thought. You pull yourselves away from your reveries to face each other. You lean forward and take in the smell of your partner’s face, the musky scent of their skin. You taste them as your lips and tongue touch your beloved’s eyes, brow, nose, cheeks, ears and chin, their lips and tongue. Then, you merge into each other.

Eyes closed, you are hovering in ecstasy as the rhythm of your bodies goes on and on. You feel the tingling waves of energy, low guttural growls emerging from deep in your body. You open your eyes and see your beloved looking at you, seeing into you. Your eyes are locked as you release the orgasm, riding the wave of pleasure together.

Ripples of deliciousness continue to dance through your bodies as you roll apart and lie next to each other. Then you laugh, and laugh, a full-on giggle-gasm, your bodies soft, your hearts open and your souls cleansed.

And so, another day living in the richness and sweetness of Eros energy begins…

Two Case Studies

Penny & Pat

Penny and Pat are in their mid-50s, have been together for 28 years and have three adult children.

They say: “We have a great sex life, which includes great sex and average sex and adequate sex and fantastic sex”, “… and ‘meh’ sex sometimes”, yet “…the overall sense of sex as part of our relationship is fantastic”.

In terms of the eight criteria of optimal sexuality:

Presence. “It’s really important” to be present. They are conscious of any spectatoring tendency and have learned to bring themselves back to the present, so that the sexual encounter becomes “meditative”.

Emotional Connection. Their connection “permeates life in general…we’re very in sync”. In terms of sex “we just seem to come together and there’s a flow to it”.

Erotic Intimacy. Deep, sexual or erotic intimacy? “Yeah, we definitely have that. 100%.” “There are no barriers…we’re absolutely together…There’s nothing we haven’t told each other.”

Communication. They feel they “have fantastic communication. Very open. Very honest. Very immediate.” Penny notes that “communication has been the foundation and that absolutely came before optimal sexuality”, and states their mutual feeling that “communication is transformational.”

Risk-taking. This has been a big part of their sexual journey together, which they put down to “being able to share, and know it’s going to be shared in a safe space”. The sharing of their desires, on both sides, has led to major shifts and growth in openness and their ability to take risks that are “challenging”, “way out of [our] comfort zone”, yet which “felt very safe in terms of our relationship”.

Authenticity. “I can’t not [be]. I don’t have another mode. This is it.” Although there are compromises at times, this is “conscious compromise and lovingly made.”

Vulnerability. They both admitted that vulnerability has been and continues to be a process, both sexually and in relationship in general. Pat acknowledged that: “To give in completely, to let go is quite challenging but when it does happen, there’s more likely to be a transcendental experience… and a higher peak orgasm.” Penny admitted: “I think I could revel more…allowing my body to feel those sensations enough to be swept away in the next stage”.

Transcendence. They laughingly commented that they lose time so completely that they have to set an alarm! Penny strongly related to transcendent bliss after a sexual encounter, including lots of laughter. Pat related to the concept in terms of: “losing yourself in space and time”.<

Their Journey

There have been two pivotal points in their sexual journey, the first a five-year period of positive opening, starting around 15 years ago, and the second a three-year crisis period starting around seven years ago.

They have always had a good relationship and been great friends, although there was “a long period where our sex life was fairly normal in terms of frequency and bits of guilt and not being satisfied or not quite having it as often as you’d like”.

Fifteen years into the relationship “that shifted big time when we started exploring, first in our fantasies [about] playing with other people and then in reality, and that was a massive change”.
They had a jewellery business and brought out a range of erotic jewellery, which took them to erotic trade shows. In that sexually charged environment they started sharing fantasies. Penny had erotic photos taken of her, which “was transformative…the start of the real shift where we connected [and] started developing these shared fantasies”. Pat stresses: “we were coming from a very secure place…so we were able to stand our ground and go against society norms”.

Part of that change was for Pat to explore the shadow side of his erotic arousal: “I’d shut it down and closed it off and didn’t want to go there because it just wasn’t ‘normal’”. Acknowledging his desire to see Penny with another man “ignited a real powerful erotic charge”.

This shift took place over five years, at the end of which they closed their jewellery business, freeing them from stress, and they started acting on their fantasies. Going to a swinging party in 2010 “was a massive unleashing” of emotional openness and joint exploratory freedom. Planning and discussing their desires became “very much part of our consciousness… it heightened everything”.

Six years ago, there were three difficult years of deaths and illnesses in the family, during which time Penny was feeling depressed and miserable. Pat was studying counselling, going on a self-development journey and getting stronger, while Penny was struggling and feeling jealous. When Pat was diagnosed with prostate cancer and given six months to live the shock shifted Penny out of her stuck state. They went on a Tantra retreat after his operation, in part out of fear that Pat wouldn’t be able to maintain erections (which turned out not to be the case), which got them back on track sexually and relationally.

Confidence is the biggest change they’ve both noticed. While they assert that it’s hard to separate out sexual from personal and relational growth, “the sexual thing has definitely contributed to our connection, our joy, our satisfaction, our bliss, our sense of safety”.

The swinging element is a vital part of their sexual relationship, but always as a joint activity: “The fantasy exploration is so completely about each other, and enjoying the pleasure of each other with another…is also both high and deep” , highlighting that in fact “often the deepest bit of it comes at the end of the night, when we are just back together as the two of us.”

In closing the interview, they wanted to stress how “freedom is a massive element of this”. They are intentionally not married: “for us having a ground of commitment and security and everything else but within also a sense of freedom, there’s not obligation. I think that enhances our experience... That’s really important.” Pat agrees, adding that this freedom is “a state of mind”.

They both had long marriages with limited sexuality. They both explored after their marriages ended, with Corinne having more experiences than Andreas when they met. They met at a kink workshop and their relationship started on that basis before becoming romantic. In the past two years their sexual relating has become less fantasy-based and more embodied, which they find much deeper and connecting than before.

In terms of the eight criteria of optimal sexuality:

Communication. They communicate verbally, emotionally and physically. Andreas feels he’s sensitive to Corinne’s body. Openness has grown, particularly with Andreas, although they acknowledge there is further to go in this respect. They feel that “our physical connection really is our biggest communication skill…It’s a really comfortable space. It’s a very safe space.”

Authenticity. Authenticity is so much part of them and their sexuality that Corinne simply said: “100%” when asked about authenticity, with Andreas adding “it’s…who we are”.

Transcendence. They highlight how the transcendent element of their sexuality is linked to safety, letting go, openness and timelessness. Corinne explains “I have very deep sexual experience, I become multi-orgasmic…that to me is really transformative because that to me is letting go 100%”. This is in part because “I feel incredibly at peace in our bed. It’s just the safest place in the world”, and “If Andreas touches me sometimes now, I just go, oh that’s it, I’m on.” For Andreas: “it’s that transcendental thing and the openness and the space and the timelessness and just being in another realm really”, which he adds is more likely during their longer Sunday morning sessions.

For Andreas it has been an ongoing journey of self-discovery from his 20s. Since meeting Corinne, that journey has included his sexuality.

Corinne didn’t like sex with her ex-husband. Three pivotal points happened: they couldn’t have kids, she had to have a hysterectomy and her husband left her for another woman. Then she became very sexually aroused! She did a women’s sexuality workshop with the author, saw a male escort, and then met Andreas in the kink scene: “I was not open sexually until I met [Andreas], and then I just did everything and anything. We engaged in all sorts of stuff. No hesitation.”

They are not interested in any form of non-monogamy unless with a paid professional (which they have done once with a dominatrix).

In terms of what has most contributed to their sexual growth: 

Andreas: “Everything really!” 

Corinne: “The vulnerability factor”.

Andreas: “Communicating”.

Corinne: “Being supportive…that creates more playtime.”

Andreas: “Yeah…it helps bind us together but it also makes our relationship impervious.”

Andreas says “I’m just happy now”, “much more confident, no-one bothers me anymore”. Corinne agrees: “He’s always smiling…he really is happy, he’s very content”. 

Corinne also feels “I’m more relaxed and happier as a person”. Andreas adds that she is more direct and owns what she wants.

Mindfulness is a good thing. From scientific research to the personal experience of increasing numbers of people, there is proof of so many benefits from practicing mindfulness in life – better health, calmer, more self-aware, more engaged with life.

There’s also been more research on sex and mindfulness, although the focus tends to be on how mindfulness practices can make sex better. I’m just as interested in how sex itself can be a mindfulness practice.

So, what are mindfulness practices? We tend to associate mindfulness with solo, sedentary practices such as meditation, prayer and contemplation. And yes, these are great ways to practice mindfulness, to learn to still the mind, relax the body and even have experiences of oneness with the universe. Ideally these practices will also be embodied, so that you are really present and aware of your body, as much as stilling the mind. I tend to think of this as ‘bodyfulness’ as much as ‘mindfulness’.

While you can practice embodied mindfulness in seated positions, more obviously embodiment-focused are the movement-based mindfulness practices. These practices involve movement, such as tai chi and yoga, which have additional benefits of being kinaesthetic, proprioceptive, tactile, spacial and interoceptive (when practiced with focus not just as a physical experience).

And then there are partnered movement-based embodied mindfulness practices, such as some of the martial arts and dance, which can be even more beneficial. One study which compared the benefits of meditation, exercise and Argentine Tango, found that Tango induced a broader and more persistent range of benefits than either meditation or exercise. The researchers attributed these benefits to the fact that Tango requires, and develops: acceptance, trust, absolute attention, and awareness of the moment, in a safe environment.

I haven’t seen any similar studies on sex, but being both a practitioner of Tango and sex, particularly Tantric sex, I can attest that there are a lot of similarities. But not just any sex. The linear process of fantasy-based genital-focused sex can be fun and highly satisfying, but not necessarily mindful. To be mindful, the participants need to be present within themselves and attuned to each other, creating a state of enhanced connectivity called resonance.

To do this you need to take the time to connect, to sink in and sync in (sink in to yourself to sync in with your partner). You can do this with an eye gaze, breathing together, through sensual touch, undressing each other, or even with a conversation.

Then let go of any expectation that the experience needs to be a certain way. Take a non-linear approach and let the encounter unfold in a moment-by-moment co-creation. Feel into your body, feel how it interacts with and responds to your partner. Allow feelings and sensations to permeate the whole of your body. Be attuned to subtle sensation. Allow your mind to be embodied, one with your body, observing, experiencing.

Experience the mindfulness within and between. Then see how this transforms your experience of sex, and quite possibly, of life.

There are so many different ways to eat – all the way from a quick snack through to a fancy multi-course dinner. It’s the same with sex, which is why I use so many food analogies when I’m talking about sex.

I was doing this with a couple of clients recently. They’re a really fun-loving couple, upbeat and lively in most parts of life – but not the bedroom. Instead of the lightness that was in the rest of their connection, bedroom matters had become heavy and hard, and pretty non-existent. After several sessions of helping them identify and share their feelings and desires around sex, with loads of food analogies along the way, they came in to session with big smiles on their faces.

“We had sex three times!” the wife exclaimed. “We had roast dinner…” “And some cheese on toast…” added the husband, “And even an open sandwich!” finished the wife.

They’d really taken on board the food analogy concept and were using it not only to help with their sexual communication, but to make it fun as well. One evening she’d had a lovely time on her own relaxing and getting in the mood for some loving, then texted him to invite him up to the bedroom for “roast dinner” – a long, involved and by all accounts very enjoyable sexual encounter. Another time he suggested some “cheese on toast” during their lunchbreak (the benefits of both working from home during the pandemic!). And on the third occasion she’d suggested a quick ‘cheese on toast’ before they got up in the morning. He responded by pulling her on top of him and saying he’d prefer ‘an open sandwich’ – her on top!

That was such a good story I asked if I could share it with my readers and they said of course. So here you go, maybe it will inspire you in your own ‘culinary’ exploits…

A couple came to me this week for their three-month check-in after seeing me regularly early in the year. With big smiles and loving glances at each other they said that one of the big changes for them was that they have instigated a monthly Date Day.

I am a big advocate of couples spending quality time together. Without it you lose connection, start feeling like housemates rather than lovers, and sex becomes either a non-event or a Big Issue. I’ve written elsewhere about finding that connection in small ways throughout the day, and having chats together in the evenings. Those small connections are your ‘relationship vitamins’. But that alone is rarely enough, you need some longer, more interesting times together, so date nights are a great idea.

But…sometimes getting out in the evening can feel like more effort than it’s worth, particularly if you’ve got young children. You’re tired! So going out at the end of a long day (and week) can just add to the exhaustion (not to mention the expectation of having sex when you get home and by the time you’ve paid the babysitter and checked on the kids and got undressed and into bed…zzzz….)

So, I often recommend to clients that you spend time together during the day. Get the grandparents to have the kids on a Sunday afternoon (or swap with friends) and go out for lunch, or go to the beach, or a gallery, or play tennis, or spend the time in bed together, or whatever your thing is.

My clients took this idea even further, allowing themselves a whole day. One Friday a month they both take the day off, drop the kids at school, then have six or more hours to themselves before they pick the kids up again. And they have committed to NOT spend the time doing boring logistical things like housework or servicing the car. The day is dedicated to them and their connection.

It’s brilliant. So here I am promoting Date Day! Of course, date nights are great too, and date weekends away – any quality time together. But I just love this concept of taking a whole day off. We’re getting used to the idea of taking a Mental Health Day, ie you’re not actually sick, you’re taking the day off as a preventative. Well, think of this as a Relationship Health Day!

Science has shown that strong primary relationships are the best indicator of individual health and well-being, not to mention the flow-on effects of happy, connected parents having well-adjusted kids. As I often say, imagine how good the world would be if everyone in it was in a loving, connected relationship (having loving connected sex)!

So, for the sake of your health, your well-being, your kids, and the world in general – give yourselves regular Relationship Health Days off and enjoy Date Days together!



And on the subject of quality time together, come and join me at one of my wonderful Couples Retreats for some real quality connection time!

My teenage son came to me the other day and proudly declared that out of all his mates, he’s the only one who has made love.

Once I got over the initial shock of him being so open with me – even though all three of my children are really open about their sexuality, since I’ve brought them up that way, it still surprises me as I could never have been that open with my parents – I asked him if he meant that his friends haven’t had sex yet.

“No, Mum,” he clarified “they’re having sex, but it’s just that boring teenage sex. Me and Kate, we really make love.” He had a big, satisfied smile on his face.

“So, what’s the difference between regular sex and love-making?” I asked.

“Oh, Mum, we spend ages making out first. Then only when we’re like, really really into it, that’s when we have sex. And we do it really slowly and it feels sooo good and we can just go on and on for ages. You know, it’s all that stuff you told me makes it good. And some other stuff we’ve, you know, found out ourselves. Kate just goes into this zone and it’s really good. Yeah, none of my mates do it like that.”

Why am I sharing this (with his, slightly reluctant, permission)? A couple of reasons.

Firstly, to show that having an open dialogue with your kids is so beneficial in helping them have a quality, life-enhancing sex life. If you don’t, they’re going to get their sexual inspiration from porn, and they’re not going to learn about quality sex from that medium.

And secondly, we often think that young people, particularly young testosterone-fuelled men, have to have hard and fast sex and it’s only later that we can develop a softer, more loving sexual style – and that’s if you even believe that sex can evolve in this way, for a lot of people the belief is that it’s hard and fast when you’re young and then it dwindles to nothing. But as my son shows, and his older brother is the same, teenagers can ‘make love’ too.

Now to put those two points together, young people can have quality sex, they can ‘make love’, and it helps if their parents are open to guiding them in discovering that. But of course, to have that quality of communication with your children, you need to be comfortable with your own sexuality first. So, it’s good you’re reading my blog! Because for most of us there’s a lot of growth in self-awareness and understanding to be done to be able to engage with sexuality in such a normal, natural way – no negative emotions of shame, guilt, fear, disgust, embarrassment, frustration, resentment, etc; instead, just feelings of goodness, pleasure, safety, trust, joy, freedom and, yes, love.