From my column in Body+Soul

Question: I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for six months. We’re really well suited, in and out of the bedroom, but there’s something troubling me. He doesn’t climax when I go down on him. I’m 32 and haven’t encountered this before. He says he loves what I do, but I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it. What do you think?

Answer: We’re a little too focused on our sexual KPIs (key performance indicators) in this society. Sex has to ‘achieve’ something, it’s goal-focused, and that goal is orgasm. And not just any orgasm, a very specific peak orgasm. If you don’t achieve that, you haven’t performed up to standard. You’ve failed.

But wait up a moment, that performance approach might be appropriate in the workplace, where there are quotas and deadlines and outcomes to be met – but in the bedroom? Do we need to take that performance focus into our sex lives, with all the pressure and expectation that accompanies it? Where’s the enjoyment in that?

I say a big no to the performance model of sex!Of the countless clients I see with sexual ‘dysfunctions’, the bulk of them are actually perfectly fine, it’s the model they’re trying to operate within that’s the problem. Seriously, we can’t all be that sexually dysfunctional. I may be a one-woman campaigner here, but hello world, it’s the model of sex that’s dysfunctional, not the people.

It’s not surprising really. We had thousands of years of sexual suppression. In that time, we brought up our girls to know nothing about their sexuality (even today most girls grow up knowing very little – did your mother talk to you about your clitoris? Did she discuss with you how to relate to your lover for maximum pleasure?), and all the boys knew was masturbation. So, with no other information, when they got married, the husband would continue to ‘masturbate’ inside his wife’s vagina. Think about it – masturbation has three parts to it: first you have to be horny, then the main focus is the genital friction (anything else is just ‘foreplay’) and it finishes with his ejaculation. When the sexual revolution happened in the 60s and 70s, the only model of sex we had was this one, and it has stuck and if anything has become more entrenched

Throw away that masturbatory model, which is fine for solo sex, and instead embrace a model of partnered sex that focuses on pleasure, intimacy, connection, fun, and all those good things. Sex is about two people coming together and having a co-created experience. It’s not two people coming together and getting each other off. Sure, orgasms are great, but they are an outcome of sex, not the point of it.

Now back to you and your non-ejaculating boyfriend. Can you see that your question is based on the assumption that he ‘should’ ejaculate and that you ‘should’ give him that ejaculation. Yet, he says he’s loving it!

The problem here is the expectation of what it should be, rather than the enjoyment of the experience. If he’s loving it then you’re engaging in a really positive way. If he really needs to ejaculate, chances are he can do that through intercourse.

So you’re feeling bad because of the pressure you’re putting on yourself to give him an orgasm, and no doubt you’re also putting pressure on him to orgasm. If there’s one thing that gets in the way of orgasm, it’s the pressure to orgasm. If he knows that you are frustrated with his lack of orgasm, that is going to cause him pressure, which is going to make his orgasm even more unlikely.

Relax. If you’re enjoying giving him oral, and he’s enjoying receiving it, then that’s pleasure, that’s connection, that’s what partnered sex is all about. And with this approach, focusing on the experience not the outcome, you’re actually going to be more likely to have orgasm be part of that experience. No pressure though!

To have great sex you need to be able to switch off and focus at the same time: switch off from the rest of the world and focus on what's happening right here and right now. You need to be able to lose yourself into the experience.

One of the main reasons I hear that people have trouble getting into sex or getting around to sex is that they can't switch off and become present to the connection, so clearly this is a skill that modern people need. Even if you are having decent sex, improving your ability to let go and be present in the experience will make the sex better and better.

So how to learn that skill? Learn to meditate! The better you get at meditating, the easier it is for you to sink in to sex.

It’s that ability to ‘sink in’ to yourself, that deep, calm feeling that’s so good for sex. This is especially so for long-term partners, where the 'va-va-voom let’s-go-for-it-baby' approach, that you might have had in the early days, has waned. Well, let’s face it, when you’ve been cleaning the house, putting the kids to bed, catching up on emails, watching the late news…it’s not exactly va-va-voom material is it?

To connect well sexually in a long-term relationship, you need to be able to ‘sink in’ to sex rather than jump in passionately. There are external and internal elements to this. I’ve written a lot about having a lovely bedroom, a boudoir, so that your surroundings can help get you in the mood. That’s the external aspects of getting in the mood. On the internal side, it’s about being able to sink in and let go. A regular meditation practice helps with this.

Meditating is so simple: all you need to do is sit quietly for five to 20 minutes. Play some music that relaxes you, sit comfortably in a chair or on a meditation cushion, and focus on your breath. That’s all. Simple, but not so easy. You’ll find your mind wanders. A lot. That’s fine, that’s what our minds do. When it wanders simply notice that it is wandering and bring your focus back to your breath. Over time you’ll find that it wanders less and you’ll feel a ‘sinking in’ feeling more easily. Find a meditation class or group to help get you started.

With practice you’ll find that this really helps with sex. Augment it with many other connecting activities such as a bath, a massage, a cup of tea or glass of wine, a walk after dinner, or whatever is your unique way of transitioning from life to sex, and you’ll find that sex becomes easier and easier and more and more delicious!

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: My husband of 10 years and I have recently started seeing a marriage counsellor, and I feel like she’s on his side, and our sex life is ruined because of it. Why? Because my husband doesn’t like to kiss deeply, and the counsellor says he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to. Kissing has always been a point of contention in our relationship, because I love a good, deep kiss and it seems to me like a cornerstone in sexual intimacy. But now he’s flat-out refusing, and is very smug about it. We started seeing a counsellor because we had drifted apart. Is this the final straw to make me end our marriage completely?

Answer: This is why you should always see a couples therapist who is trained in sexuality as well as relationships. This situation is far more complex than ‘he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to’. Can you imagine going to a dietitian because your health was bad, in part because you don’t eat vegetables and being told by the dietitian that you don’t have to eat vegetables if you don’t want to? That would be absurd! We know that vegetables are an essential part of a good diet and no authority on the subject would tell someone they don’t have to eat them simply because they don’t like them. Quite the opposite, the dietitian would explain why vegetables are so important to good health and investigate why you don’t like vegetables and discuss ways that vegetables could be made more appealing.

So, I am going to be your ‘dietitian’ of love, because kissing is like the ‘vegetables’ of intimacy. Without kissing your relationship is lacking essential ‘nutrients’. Research has shown that couples who kiss frequently have better relationship satisfaction, less stress and lower cholesterol.

I see so many couples who aren’t having sex, or only having disconnected, unsatisfying sex, and inevitably they are also not kissing. Kissing, like other forms of gentle, sensual touch, is the link between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. It is very difficult to go from day to day living to sexual intimacy without this intermediary stage. Kissing allows your body to relax and soften and from that arousal is possible.

But what is kissing? There is of course a whole range of ways in which we can kiss, from a brief peck to a long pash. A kiss can be lips closed, slightly open, tip of the tongue, whole tongue, wide open mouth. It can be done for a moment or for hours (or what seems like hours). A kiss can be done with no emotion or with overflowing emotion, disengaged or totally engaged.

So how do you each like to kiss? And in what circumstances? You say you like deep kissing and your husband doesn’t, but you don’t say how he likes to kiss and how you feel about it. This is where the conversation needs to be. It’s not about whether one has to succumb to the other’s desire or not, it’s about understanding meaning. You need to understand each other’s feelings around kissing. Why do you like deep kissing? Why doesn’t your husband? What does it mean for him, what is his experience of deep kissing, what needs to be different for him?

Once you discuss intimacy at this level of detail you will gain the information you need as a couple to co-create mutually desirable intimacy. It could be that he came from an emotionally distant family and finds kissing awkward, so needs to learn how to approach and enjoy. Maybe you come in too quickly, so he recoils rather than moving towards, in which case you need to practice an approach and a pace that makes him feel comfortable and engaged. Maybe he likes lots of little kisses before slowly increasing the depth. Maybe you go on for too long. Maybe you move your tongue in ways he doesn’t like. Maybe you use too much saliva. Maybe you have bad breath and he’s too embarrassed to tell you!

There are so many factors at play here, and it can make for really interesting conversation that is also deep and connecting. Try having this conversation with your husband on your own. Be inquisitive and non-judgemental about what he does like and why, what he struggles with and why. From there you can share gently and openly about why you desire him in this way and how good it makes you feel. Find the commonality through this discussion and explore ways of connecting that do make him comfortable.

If you can’t find resolution on your own, or the conversation is too difficult, then find a therapist who is trained and practiced in sex and intimacy and can help facilitate your conversation.

Most importantly, don’t give up on your relationship. If you love and desire each other, with the help of a skilled therapist you will find your way through.

This is a great word that I like to use when talking to couples about how to relate to each other and get in the mood for lovemaking.a

That word is “communing”.

The dictionary defines the verb “commune” as:

• To share one's intimate thoughts or feelings with someone or something;
• To feel in close spiritual contact with someone or something.

It’s a gentle, chilled-out word that makes you feel relaxed and connected. I take it to mean that act of sharing and feeling when two people hang-out together doing stuff that makes them feel good about each other.

It can be a cup of tea and a chat after the kids are in bed. It can be walking to the park together pushing the pram. It can be snuggling up on the couch laughing and watching your favourite TV show. It can be doing a jigsaw puzzle together. It can be taking dessert up to the bedroom and feeding each other while giggling on the bed.

It doesn’t have to involve a lot of verbal communication; it certainly doesn’t have to involve deep and meaningful conversation (although it can lead to that naturally). It doesn’t have to be overtly romantic or sexual. Communing is just two people enjoying each other’s company in a relaxed manner.

The three key elements to communing are simply that:

1. You’re together
2. You’re doing something (even if that something is very little) together
3. It makes you feel good about yourself and the other person

It’s actually what makes you feel good as a couple, and that in turn is what makes your sex life work.

Too often people in relationships get complacent and stop making the time to be with each other. Then they wonder why one or both of them isn’t in the mood for sex anymore.

Forcing yourself to get in the mood for sex isn’t going to make you want sex. Contrary to what a lot of people believe, sex doesn’t always “cure” the ills of a relationship, although it can.

The reality is that for most people, sex needs a warmup.

Most people actually need to be feeling good about their partner and about themselves before they’ll want to make love to them.

I call this 'beforeplay' - keeping the warmup going on in little ways all the time. It’s the way you relate and feel about each other (and therefore about yourself) before you even get to the bedroom that makes the sex not only easier to get to, but better when it arrives.

Communing is enjoyable and relaxing and connecting.

What’s not to like?

Do it and enjoy!

From my column in Body+Soul

Question:I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years and we are really happy. Our sex life is fun and experimental, but up until this point monogamous. We’ve shared fantasies about bringing a man (and woman) into bed with us during sex. That’s great, but I think the real thing could be even better. She’s keen but worried about getting jealous. What are some ground rules for a good threesome so that everyone’s happy?

Answer: The thought of a threesome can be very titillating. The prospect of turning that fantasy into a reality though, can be fraught, so you need to be prepared. It’s like any activity that is potentially both thrilling and dangerous – like skydiving for instance – preparation is key to enjoyment.

For a start, I want to clarify that you don’t need to turn a fantasy into a reality. It can do its job turning you on quite nicely safely in the confines of your mind. Or take it one step further and spice up your sex life by sharing the idea with your partner; telling each other fantasies can be erotically charged without needing to act them out. This is especially true when the fantasy is potentially as dangerous as inviting another person into your bedroom.

It can be done though, if it’s done thoughtfully and safely. It might seem that I’m coming on a bit heavy about the safety aspect here, but I can’t tell you how many couples have come to me with damaged relationships due to mishandling this kind of thing. Inviting the neighbours over for a drink and getting smashed is not a good framework in which to explore opening the relationship! It might sound funny reading it here, but the reality is far from amusing.

This kind of play only works well if you approach it as a strong couple, clear on your expectations, understanding why you’re doing it, constantly communicating where you’re at, and being ready to support your partner or ask for support if you need it.

So, firstly, whenever you are expanding your sexual play, including inviting in someone for a threesome, you have to talk about it.

What is your fantasy - is it another man, another woman? Someone you know, someone you don’t know at all? Why do you want to be with more than just your partner? What is it about the encounter that turns you on?

What do you actually want to do? Do you want to watch your partner with someone else, be watched, or all play together? What kind of sexual activities are ok or not ok?

And very importantly, what are your fears and concerns? Undoubtedly, if you're considering having sex with other people, that’s going to include the issue of jealousy.

Jealousy isn’t inevitable, but it does come up, so don’t kid yourselves that it won’t. Make sure the topic is on the table so that you can express your feelings honestly if they come up. If either of you does start to feel jealous, talking about it and having your partner listen will make you feel much better. And from that you can decide as a couple what, if anything, to do about it. That could be limiting the number of times you play with one person, limiting the type of sexual activities you engage in with a third person, being more careful on who you choose to play with, through to agreeing not to have any more threesomes.

Once you’ve found the person who’s going to join you, make sure you have a good talk with them too, so you can be sure that you’re all on the same page. By being clear on the boundaries you make it safe for all of you to really play and have fun.

During the encounter you also need to be there for each other, checking that the other is ok, and signalling that you are too. You need to have ways of showing your partner if you’re not ok. And most importantly, if your partner needs to slow down or stop, that’s perfectly fine, even if you’re really enjoying yourself. Your bond as a couple overrides any immediate pleasure you’re having. You (plural) come first.

Then, after the threesome, have a good debrief - not only does this allow the erotic enjoyment to linger as you talk through all the good bits, you also share any challenging moments, and generally strengthen your bond.

So, get talking, be prepared, and you’ll be all set to make your fantasies come true!

At my last Couples Retreat in Bali I made the comment to some participants that I don't feel like a woman, I feel like a human in a female body. The shocked reaction came back: "But you're so womanly, you're gorgeous, the epitome of being female, a veritable goddess!"

Which I have to say was definitely very flattering, if a little excessive!

But actually, I believe the reason I come across as so "womanly" is that I have balanced my yin and yang, my masculine and feminine, within myself. I simply feel 'human' and then I inhabit a female body. And I have to say I love having a female body! But you know, if I had a male body, I'm not sure I'd feel that different, and I'm sure I'd love having a male body. Because being human and having a body is a pretty cool thing when you think about it. Miraculous actually.

So much of my work with people is to find that internal balance. Our journey in life is in large part to develop those sides of ourselves that have been stunted (eg men not in touch with their vulnerable side, or women not in touch with their powerful side) so that we can become more whole within ourselves.

There is a school of sexual thought, particularly in the more Tantric circles, that there has to be a polarization between a man and a woman for transcendent sexual experiences. I disagree. The polarity doesn't come from having different chromosomes, it comes from the interplay of yin and yang, the leading and following, the giving and receiving, and the transcendence comes from the meeting of two open, vulnerable, authentic human beings.

This is why in my Tantra-based couples retreats I welcome same sex couples, because it's not about your genitals, it's about your ability to be mindfully embodied as an individual and to create resonance between you as a couple.

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: I was wondering if you could help me reconnect with my husband as we’re both super stressed from this bushfire season. We live on the South Coast of NSW and our house has been extremely close to the bushfires – over the summer we’ve been evacuated a few times. We’ve been in a state of high stress for a couple of months now, and it’s taken a big toll on our relationship. It feels like my husband has switched to survival mode and can’t or won’t switch back, so there’s no room for emotional or physical intimacy. Is this normal? What can I do?

Answer: I’m sorry to hear the bushfires have had such a big impact on you. Being on high alert for so long, and so repeatedly is terribly stressful. In times of crisis our emotional, mental and physical resources automatically go into survival mode. We are totally switched on and focused, we are fully up-regulated with our sympathetic nervous system pumping. Adrenaline floods our body, our heart rate goes up, our air passages expand, our whole being is primed for fight, flight or freeze.

At times like these, when all our resources are directed towards survival, it is very normal that we aren’t feeling romantic, relaxed, chilled. We’re in the opposite state.

Our bodies aren’t designed to stay in that intense stress for long though. If we do, we continue to produce stress hormones and are more likely to suffer from poor thinking, poor sleep, anxiety and illness, and in time total overwhelm and exhaustion. The crisis has to be resolved and our nervous system and physiology return to a normal relaxed state.

How do we do that? Well, we are a communal species, and one of the key ways we survive crises is through banding together in cooperative ways to support each other.

We’ve seen this during the bushfire crisis in so many ways – our volunteer firefighters risking their own lives to save others, people helping their neighbours, people saving pets, livestock and our native fauna, not to mention the outpouring of support from the broader community. I know that two single friends of mine who both lost their homes in the bushfires have been astounded at the support they have received within their communities.

Having that support network is an important way to overcome the stress of crisis situations, as my friends are finding. But being single, there is one ‘support network’ they can’t access, and that’s the support of a life partner.

Our significant other is the person who can regulate our nervous system and calm us more than any other (that same person can also dysregulate our nervous system more than any other, but that’s another story). The touch of our beloved, their words, their attention, their time, all contribute to feeling calm and secure, removing our bodies from crisis mode. And, of course, we can do this together, so that we are co-regulating our nervous systems and calming each other.

So, to return to your situation. When a bushfire is bearing down on you and you are escaping for your lives, at that time you will be in crisis mode, and you need to do all you can to survive. Let your bodies’ natural responses of intense focus, hyper-alertness, and all the accompanying physiological processes kick in to action so that you survive. Then, when you are out of danger, that is the time to recover, to get out of crisis mode, and to use your connection to help you return to a healthier, less-stressed state.

How you do that will depend on you as individuals and as a couple. The key thing is to ensure you pay attention to each other and that you use words and touch for comfort and security. There are so many strong emotions that arise in these situations that it’s important to share them with your partner. Have a cup of tea together and talk about how each of you are feeling, just share, there’s no need to ‘fix’. Or lie with one person’s head in the other lap and gently stroke your partner as they speak, or let them lie there and simply receive the touch. Have lots of hugs. Express your appreciation and gratitude. Give each other shoulder rubs to relieve the tension. Sex might not be at the forefront of mind in times like this, but don’t exclude it. If you engage in these other connecting activities, you might find you do naturally move into tender sexual activity, which can be both stress-relieving and bonding.

In a nutshell, do what humans have always done in times of crisis – support each other. Use the love you have for each other to help ‘reset’ your mind and body once the intense crisis is past and return to calm, connectedness.

The neurotransmitter dopamine makes us feel good and positive and upbeat. When we have healthy levels of dopamine, we have a positive outlook on life and have energy and motivation - and a better sex drive!

When dopamine levels are low, we feel sluggish and down, the world is grey, and everything is an effort - including sex.

To increase your sexual desire, you need to do things that increase your dopamine levels.

Having goals in life and achieving them is one way to keep the dopamine high. That’s why it’s so important to enjoy your work and get positive feedback from what you do and achieve.

It’s not just big goals though, any small achievement, especially if you take the time to notice it and reinforce the positive feeling will keep your dopamine levels up. In fact, it’s good to keep this in balance so that you don’t have wild fluctuations. So, notice all the good positive things in life, take a moment to really appreciate them and keep the positive feelings going.

Exercise is great too. It doesn’t have to be intense, just get up off your butt and go for a walk! Walk to a park at lunchtime or go for a walk after dinner and enjoy the evening.

Eat healthy food, food that makes you feel uplifted, not heavy. So, ditch the heavy carbs, high sugar and processed foods and eat fresh, invigorating foods.

Reduce your caffeine and nicotine intake, which gives you an artificial stimulus. And definitely avoid drugs like cocaine and amphetamines because these cause higher levels of dopamine in the brain than the brain can handle and so can lead to addiction.

It’s much better to raise dopamine levels naturally.

Doing new and interesting things raises your dopamine levels. Doing the same old same old lowers them. This is why the same old evening routine including hours being a couch potato in front of the TV is not foreplay and never will be. Get up and go for a walk, or play a board game, or sit and chat, or any number of things that are more interesting and stimulating than the idiot box.

Take control of your hormones by getting a life, and use them to get a get a sex life!

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: I’ve recently discovered my husband is having an affair. But I’m not upset about it – I’m glad. Glad because I haven’t fancied my husband for years, and this affair means the pressure to have sex has ended. Our love life was good at the start. Three children later though, and the chemistry just isn’t there.

Answer: Your question shows just how more complex the issue of infidelity is than just “you’re a cheater and I’m leaving!”. It’s not that straightforward! I deal with these issues every day in my clinic and every situation is unique.

You say that you have ‘a perfectly good marriage’. I’d like to challenge you on that point. Is a sexless marriage, or one with only ‘dutiful’ sex a good marriage? What is the role of sex in a relationship? And can that part be successfully out-sourced to a third party?

I often describe a good relationship as being like a tripod. It has three legs, and all three legs need to be strong for it to be a steady, useful tripod. If any legs are wobbly, the whole thing is wobbly.

The first leg is the logistical leg – you need to be team-mates in the game of life. You can raise a family, earn money, get the garbage out on time, and manage all those practical matters.

The second leg is the leg of friendship – you need to be friends. This means that you genuinely like each other, you like hanging out together, you have common values and interests, you’re each other’s go to person.

The third leg is the lover leg – you need to be lovers. When I say lovers, I don’t just mean that you have sex occasionally, I mean that you share a unique feeling between you that combines both sex and love. It’s a vital, enlivening feeling that you share all through your life together: in a glance, a touch, in small acts of kindness and flirtation, all the way through to sexual intimacy.

Now here’s the thing, this feeling has to be cultivated or it will wither and die. In the early stages of a relationship you are usually doing all the right things to keep these feelings strong, you’re doing things together, having fun, having both deep and playful connections. But over time complacency sets in and we can feel, as so many of my clients say, that “I love my partner but I’m not in love any more,” with comments like “we just feel like housemates now”. But it’s actually this third leg, you as lovers, that makes you uniquely a couple, that provides the vibrancy and connection that keeps you feeling good about yourself and your partner, and that keeps you secure and loved-up.

Without that, people are prone to straying. It doesn’t excuse deceit by any means, but it does explain it. We love to be loved, and part of that love is to be desired, to have a level of intimacy where we can be totally vulnerable and open, and through that to feel known, cherished, understood. That’s why strong relationships are the greatest predictor of health and wellbeing.

These days some people are exploring positive forms of openness within their relationship. It’s called consensual non-monogamy, or CNM for short. This is where a couple discuss and agree on some level of openness in their relationship. Note the phrase ‘discuss and agree’, to do this you have to have really good communication. Which you don’t. Yet.

So, yes, you do need to talk to your husband. Through opening up this conversation, you’ll have to get vulnerable and open and honest and real. Which is scary and challenging and difficult, so you might want to get professional help with the discussion. And, this might mean that you are able to consensually negotiate an open relationship of some kind. Or, and this is the key, developing this level communication may well open you back up to each other…

Good sex is like good food. If you want a good meal, you've got two choices.

1) Plan in advance: set a date, go through the recipe books, do the shopping, set time aside for the cooking, start work in a clean kitchen, enjoy the process of cooking, lay a beautiful table, plate the food up well - then you have an amazing meal.

Or, if you want a more ‘spontaneous’ good meal:

2) Have a well-stocked kitchen: plenty of good ingredients in the larder and all the right implements in the cupboards, plus have plenty of practice at throwing things together - then you grab all the right elements to put an amazing meal together at short notice.

It’s the same with sex. If you want a really good encounter, you can:

1) Plan in advance: set aside some time, create a lovely environment, ensure you’re not too tired, put some thought into what you might do - then you can have an amazing sexual encounter.

But if you want a more ‘spontaneous’ good sexual encounter:

2) Have a well-stocked ‘love larder’: so that you’ve got what it takes to move into a sexual encounter easily and smoothly.

So, what’s required for a well-stocked “love larder”?

First - you’ve got to have a good connection. The two of you need to be getting on well, focusing on yourselves as lovers through positive small acts of loving kindness, with a yummy edge, throughout the day, and making sure you have some quality chill-out connecting time together for at least ten minutes every day.

Second - you’ve got to have the time. You can’t be too rushed or too tired. So last thing at night is not a good idea. If it has to be in the evening, get to the bedroom as early as you can. Otherwise, focus on daytime, weekends (Sunday lie-ins are great) or have sex before dinner not after.

Third - you’ve got to have the space.You need a gorgeous bedroom - make it a boudoir. The more enticing your bedroom is, the easier it is relax into some gorgeous love-making, or hot and heavy shagging, or both - whatever takes your fancy at the time. You need to consider your Bedroom as a Sanctuary, a place away from the cares of the world, where you can leave all that behind and simply focus on the two of you.

Fourth - you need the right equipment.Everyone needs a comfortable bed, plenty of cushions, good music and soft lighting. Have on hand a bottle of lube, tissues or wet wipes and water. Then there are the additional items that will depend on your personal eroticism that you’ll want to have close by: blindfolds, ties, vibrators or dildos, massage oil, ticklers or erotic storybooks. And you may want to have other items available, such as lingerie or dress-ups or other toys that you like to bring out now and again.

Five - you need the right attitude. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got the connection, the time, the place and the goodies if you’re allowing false or limiting beliefs to hold you back from letting go and playing. So if you’ve got “stuff”, “issues” or beliefs around being “too old” or “the wrong appearance”, or if you think that sex is about performance and “doing” things to the other person, if you can’t receive or you can’t give, if you’ve got fixed ideas about sexual roles, if you limit yourself with unnecessary views on what’s sexually acceptable or not, or any number of other self-imposed limitations, then you’re not going to have as much fun and pleasure (with all the associated health and wellbeing benefits) that you could. It’s important that you approach sex with curiosity, lightness and playfulness.
Remember that sex is Playtime for Grown-Ups!

So, what’s missing from your love larder? What can you do individually and as a couple to stock it up?