There are two spiritual paths: the Way of the Recluse and the Way of the Householder.

The way of the recluse is to become secluded from society, enter into a monastery or convent, and spend your life praying. Not too many modern people choose that lifestyle!

The way of the householder is to be spiritual while living in mainstream society, having a job, raising a family and so forth.

The way of the householder is actually the harder of the two paths.

To grow spiritually while living in the hurly-burly of life is a challenge. (That would have to be the understatement of the year!) Whether it’s the stresses or the temptations that distract you from the spiritual path, it’s not easy.

It is possible though. That’s what the Tantric and Taoist approaches to life are all about (and many other traditions) - finding personal and spiritual growth within regular society, and in all aspects of life, from parenthood to work life to sex.

The key in large part is devotion. Devotion is defined as “love, loyalty or enthusiasm for a person, activity or cause”. When you live your life with devotion, the boring and mundane elements become purposeful and satisfying. You move away from a martyr mentality.

You therefore become less needy of ‘reward’, whether that’s money or food or sex.

The simple things in life become pleasurable and there is a greater ease in life.

With this ease, you can, if you choose, devote yourself to larger causes, finding joy and satisfaction in these too, even when the going gets hard.

You feel a connection to something greater than yourself.

The way of the householder starts with the little things - doing the housework, dealing with the children, managing all the many aspects of life in cooperation with your partner. When this comes from a feeling of devotion - with love, loyalty and enthusiasm - it’s actually a really good feeling.

It’s a hard shift to make, finding pleasure and joy in the little things while having a feeling of greater purpose. It’s essentially about slowing down a little, becoming present in the moment and in your body, and actually experiencing each moment fully in the moment.

I’ve written about this at length in terms of approaching sex mindfully, so that it becomes deeper and more fulfilling. You can’t rush around frantically all day, stressed and harried, and then switch into a mindful mode for sex. It needs to be a natural progression, and the more you can live mindfully throughout the day, live with a sense of devotion and spiritual awareness, actually living within each moment and not rushing through a stressed life interspersed with ‘rewards’.

And if you and your partner both live like this, you’ll feel an ease of connection between you and, well, the foreplay never ends!

You can certainly spice up your relationship with sex toys - there are thousands on the market to choose from.

In fact the choice is so great it’d be easy to get lost in the choice and lose focus of what the main object of sexual pleasure actually is - your body.

Yep, our bodies are exquisite sexual pleasure machines. We’re designed for pleasure and our bodies thrive on pleasure.

The dexterity of hands and mouths, the feel of skin on skin, the electric connection between genitals, the look of your lover’s face and body, the sounds of love-making…

…this is what makes sex great.

Sex toys can add to the pleasure, they can create new and delicious sensations, for sure. But, if you focus on the toy rather than the body, then you won’t be present in your body nor connected with your partner’s body and the sensation won’t be as good.

So if you want to have better sex, by all means experiment with sex toys, just remember that a dildo on it’s own never improved a relationship, it’s the connection between the two lovers and the way they use a toy to enhance that connection that counts.

Honouring our genitals is a key part of Tantra and conscious love-making, and essential to great sex.

To honour means to regard something with great respect. That’s not going to happen if you have a shame-based sexuality where the genitals are regarded as somehow ‘dirty’ and unattractive, to be hidden away; or if you have a lewd ‘tits and bums’ approach to sexuality where it’s nothing but the genitals - huge hard cocks and dripping wet pussies (not to imply there’s anything wrong with hard cocks or wet pussies, only if they are the sole focus).

To truly honour the genitals, your partner’s and your own, is to love them, admire them and attend to them.

Let’s look at these three aspects of honouring:

Love Your Genitals

Your genitals are a really important part of your body. Not only are they the generators of life, which makes them sacred for that reason alone, they are vehicles for glorious pleasure and connection. You’ve got to love your genitals and your partner’s genitals, really love them, as much as any part of a person’s body, mind and soul.

Admire Your Genitals

Take your time to get to know your own and your partner’s genitals. Get up close and personal, take a good look and get to know them like the back of your hand, Get curious and find out what they like and how, become an expert in your partner’s and your own genitalia.

Attend to Your Genitals

Spend focused quality time on your genitals - slowly, with presence and attention. Too often genitals are only treated with intensity and speed, which means we miss out on the subtle and the range of sensation that accompanies a slow gentle focus. Vigour and intensity can be good too, but first wake up your genitals with softness, bringing awareness and mindfulness to the encounter.

This all applies as much to your own genitals as your partner’s: love, admiration and attention.

Develop this level of honour and respect and you’ll feel better about yourself, feel closer to your partner and, of course, have much better sex.

Two people approach, embrace, pause then move as one.

A leader and a follower, exquisitely attuned to each other. Constantly sensing, constantly feeling, constantly flowing.

There is restraint in their movement, pauses, waiting. Moments of anticipation; an eternity in an instant; potential within a speck of time.

Then movement; sudden, intense, fast yet still that same pared back sense of attending to the subtle.

Is this Tantra or is this Tango? Or is Tango Tantra? Is Tantra manifest in Tango - the unity of opposites coming together in absolute equality, exploring the complementarity, creating a oneness of perfect flow and through that perfect bliss.

Not attached to any particular outcome, other than the experience of the dance itself.

In the coming together there is an understanding of space, boundaries, safety in which to dance, to explore the movement, to discover the potential of two bodies moving as one.

There is gravity to the encounter, there is gaiety to the encounter. The more attuned the pair, the greater the flow, the greater the elation.

Need I say this is also Tantric love-making - moving meditation: conscious, connected, in flow, and through the flow experiencing the ecstatic.

I talk a lot about the yin and yang of sex, taking a more energetic, spiritual approach to understanding sex and intimacy. Today I’m going to get scientific.

The yin and yang of the hormones is pretty much the same as the yin and yang of the energies. There are the ‘yin’ hormones: oxytocin and vasopressin, the bonding hormones that give feelings of connection and satisfaction, and endorphins, the feel-good hormones; that are released by gentle, cuddly, sensual activities. And there are the yang hormones: dopamine, the reward chemical (and the addiction hormone) that leads you to want more (including more of your true love), and which leads to the production of the lust hormone, testosterone.

We need dopamine, it's the romance hormone, and it's stimulated by novelty and interesting activities, so it's important that your relationship is stimulating and not complacent. And you need the oxytocin as it's connecting and keeps you feeling good about each other, it provides resilience in your relationship. So both cuddles and interesting activities are necessary in a relationship to produce the balance of bonding and romance. You need the balance in the lead up to sex.

You also need the balance during sex. The trouble is though that we tend to focus on the intense side of sex, what I frequently refer to as the ‘peaks’ of sex, the bigger-harder-faster-with-explosive-orgasms type of sex; lots of sexual excitation and tension. This causes a build up of dopamine, but after the big O, when there’s a drop off in dopamine, you can hit a downer and feel a withdrawal from your partner. This can make you feel grumpy and irritated, disconnected, and often craving more sex to make you feel better. You need the oxytocin (and for guys the vasopressin, the chivalry hormone) to also be there so that you balance out the dopamine drop and keep the happy feelings going.

If you make love the way I suggest: - focusing on the beforeplay, relating positively way before you even get to the bedroom, maintaining the ‘mmm’ factor; - then having lots of non-genital connection and play before you get genital; - avoiding intensity altogether or only after you’ve had some yummy slow play; - focusing on pleasure rather than orgasm; - not always having orgasms; - when you do have orgasms, having them through opening and releasing rather than tensing and forcing the orgasm; - treating sex as a picnic rather than a three-course meal and stopping for chats as you go; - doing it in a lovely environment when you’re not too tired; and - having lovely chats and cuddles afterwards...

...then you’re priming your body to have a balance of yin and yang hormones. You'll build up enough dopamine to keep the interest going, and with a steady stream of oxytocin to cope with post-orgasmic dopamine drops and keep you feeling yummy!

You’ll also be keeping your body in a parasympathetic relaxed state, rather than the sympathetic ‘flight or fight’ highly aroused state. If you have continued tense sex without the yummy stuff you’ll start producing cortisol, the long-term stress hormone, which is not good for feeling good about yourself or your partner.

As I say, you can go intense, have a good shag, but that needs to be part of a much broader and delicious approach to sex. If all you’re having is shagadelic sex, striving for orgasmic intensity, then it’s yang without yin, which is way out of balance and will never be good.

(I have to note here that a lot more research needs to be done on the production and interaction of sex hormones, this is my interpretation of the current state of science. What I find interesting though is how the science is reinforcing the wisdom of the tantric-type traditions.)

Lights - camera - action! Starring in your own porn show can be a fun way to spice up your sex life.

With smart phones these days you can set up your own scene easily - just place it somewhere with a good angle and off you go. Film yourselves having normal sex, or set up a role play, whatever takes your fancy.

Then when you’re done, keep it for posterity, or watch and delete. If you’re shy you don’t even have to watch, just being filmed might be erotic enough for you.

If you’re more of an extrovert and like the idea of sharing your footage, there are plenty of websites where you can post your DIY porn. You absolutely don’t have to though, it can be simply a fun bit of private spice for the two of you.

The same applies with an erotic photo shoot. You can turn it into a role play where one of you is the ‘professional photographer’ and one the ‘model’; or do a straight shoot simply because you like taking photos of each other. Again, in terms of what you do with the photos, well there’s the full spectrum from deleting immediately through to posting online. That’s completely up to you and your personal taste.

And if you prefer your DIY porn live, use mirrors! Mirrors on the walls, ceiling, wardrobe doors, even as a bedhead can be brilliant. In certain positions you can watch the whole action, at other times you just get enticing glimpses. A mirror is particularly good for watching your partner’s face in positions where you’re not facing each other.

Hey, combine video with mirrors - see how creative you can get!

Set it up…aaaand Action!

For centuries we had sex as ‘shame’. Sex was seen as an unfortunate necessity to propagate the species.

Good women weren’t interested, and men had their needs. Truly spiritual people abstained. No-one spoke about it, no-one studied it, only the very lucky or particularly diligent got to experience quality sex.

Then the pendulum swung completely the other way and for the last few decades we’ve had sex as sleaze. Now everyone’s supposed to be into it, gagging for it even, open to anything and everything and having mind-blowing experiences every time.

The first stage was outrageously prudish, which wasn’t good for anyone. The second stage has been outrageously permissive, which hasn’t been a whole lot better. It’s time for a third wave of sexuality. Beyond shame, beyond sleaze, it’s time for meaningful sex.

I’ve noticed over the past eight years or so that I’ve been specialising in sex, that there has been a shift. People are saying to me: “There’s got to be more to this sex thing.”

And they’re right. There’s a hell of a lot more to sex. Good sex, real sex, is empowering, uplifting, reviving, life enhancing.

What makes sex is meaningful is not what you do but how you do it.

What you do will depend on your personal sexual taste, your own individual eroticism - it could be lights out under the bedcovers, it could be swinging from the chandeliers at a fetish party, or it could be locked in tantric embrace. There are no rules in terms of what you do, as long as it’s consensual and legal. We can at least thank the second wave of sexuality for allowing that level of freedom, it has freed us up in terms of whatwe can do sexually.

We’ve missed out on the how though, and that’s causing problems. Unless the what is a real expression of self, it’s not meaningful, it’s false. In the bad old days, no-one was allowed to be themselves sexually because anything other the most basic sexual interaction was considered wrong. In more recent days people are having trouble being real because even though pretty well everything’s possible, actually doing anything that’s possible isn’t meaningful if it’s not true for you.

My work is about the third stage - getting to meaningful sex. Whether it’s simple, sensual, spiritual or spicy, it has to be a real expression of your true self.

Then any sex becomes awesome sex.

If you want to spice up your sex life, it's got to be real. There's no point faking it. That would be like putting fake spices into a curry - it might look good, but if it tastes terrible there's no point. If you fake sexual pleasure, you're deceiving your partner and you'll end up frustrated and resentful.

Fake it till you make it might work in some parts of life, but not with sex.

I had a client once who came to me after faking orgasm with her husband for seven years. She wanted me to help her become orgasmic with him without actually telling him she'd ever faked it.

What a dilemma!

She had two choices: 1) confess that she'd been faking it and work with him to become orgasmic again: or 2) not tell him anything and replace the fake orgasms with real orgasms.

I would have preferred if she'd gone with option #1 as it's so much easier to make changes to a couple's love life if they are both involved. But she felt he'd be devastated if she admitted she'd been faking it for so long (probably with good reason), so went for option #2.

It was the trickier option, but it did actually work (whew!). To do so she needed to take more control of their lovemaking, expand their sexual repertoire, improve the lead-up to sex and learn a lot more about her own body and sex in general.

Fortunately, that time the transition from being fake to being real succeeded. But, you know, wouldn't it have been a lot easier if she'd never started faking it in the first place!

Ladies, please, I ask you to put one hand over your heart and raise the other and say out loud: I will not fake orgasm.

Now say it again, more firmly and with conviction:

I WILL NOT FAKE ORGASM!

Excellent. Now stick to that resolve.

You could possibly be excused if you were with someone for the first time and were absolutely sure you'd never see him again but why let him think he's done something he hasn't? It's just setting the next woman up for failure. Or maybe if you're in a long-term relationship and usually orgasm but for some reason you're too tired or something and aren't going to make it. But in that case why not tell him you're not going to make it and just enjoy the closeness?

Sex is not just about orgasm. It's the journey not the destination.

People are so obsessed with the Big 'O' these days, that men feel inadequate if they don't give their partner an orgasm (or several) and women feel inadequate if they don't have an orgasm. This all adds to performance anxiety, which actually makes the likelihood of causing/having an orgasm even less.

Chill out! You don't have to have/cause an orgasm! Of course, it's a wonderful part of sex, but it's not obligatory. If you're having on-going problems with orgasm then it's worth the both of you focusing on ways to enable orgasm - note that I say both of you; and to do so in an inspired, playful way, rather than a got-to-have-an-orgasm-at-all-costs kind of way. That all or nothing thinking leads to faking it and faking leads to on-going problems.

So ladies, never fake it. And guys, don't take it as a personal affront if she doesn't make it. Get playful, get creative, and you'll have so much fun there won't be a need for any faking.

Note: And if you're a man who fakes it, and there are plenty who do. The same applies to you.

Prostate massage can be great for a man - great orgasms, better sex. You have to go in through the bum hole though, so it’s not for everyone. But if you’re game, it can feel fantastic.

Now, you don’t want to go “barrelling down to the anus” (to misquote Monty Python), he needs to be warmed up to anal touch. Make sure he’s good and relaxed, you’ve got music playing, soft lighting, whatever makes him (and you as the massager) feel comfortable.

As the massager, you might like to wear a latex glove for cleanliness, or to reduce the ‘ick’ factor of putting your finger up someone’s bum, even if it is your beloved’s bum. (Let’s face it, an asshole can be a cute and endearing part of the anatomy, but it can be a little noisome on the inside).

Here’s how you do it:

• Start with sensual touch of his whole body.Touch lovingly, slowly, with focus. Move firmly from ankles up his legs to his buttocks and give them a good massage. Rub across his sacrum to warm up the whole area.

• Then ask him to roll on to his side, back or front. If he’s on his side he’ll need to be in ‘rescue position’ with the top leg bent forward a little; if he’s on his back he’ll need his knees bent and feet flat; on his front he just needs his legs spread, and maybe a pillow under his hips to raise them up a bit.

• Rub your hands up his thigh and between his buttock cheeks, up and down, in fairly firm long strokes.

• Then massage his perineum (that’s the area between his anus and scrotum) with your thumb or the second joint of your index finger. Rub, press, vibrate.

• Then touch with your fingers from his tail bone down between his cheeks, across his anus, touching and circling a little as you cross his anus, and onwards across his perineum to his scrotum, and back again. You can cup his balls gently at the end of the movement, or stroke his balls and penis, before turning and going back through to his tailbone again.

• When you feel he’s ready, and you can always ask to be sure, put a little lubricant on your thumb, gently rest your thumb on his anus and with gentle pressure slowly push your way in. The receiver breathes with the sensation, feeling as though he is ‘breathing’ your thumb in.

• Once inside a little, feel around for the prostate. It’s a bump on his tummy side, just an inch or so on the inside. Once you’ve found it, run your thumb forward and back, floating over the prostate. Do the same to either side as well, to the 2 o’clock and 10 o’clock positions. You can gently swirl your thumb over the prostate, and experiment with gentle pushing or pulsing over the spot as well.

• When he’s had enough, slowly remove your thumb, with a sense of him ‘breathing’ it out. Rest your thumb on the outside.

• Finish with resting your hands on his body, sacrum and upper back if he’s lying on his front; hip and shoulder if he’s on his side; and chest and just above his penis, or actually cupping his penis if he’s lying on his front.

• And he’ll probably like a good cuddle too!

The incredible success of the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Trilogy (30 million copies sold and counting…) has sent shock waves around the globe with commentators everywhere trying to explain how this really very ordinary book could have been such a big hit.

The assumption is that it must be the content, which includes sex scenes involving BDSM (which stands for bondage, discipline and sado-masochism), otherwise known as kinky sex.

How, the commentators wonder, could so many people want to read something that includes such ‘abnormal’ sex scenes? Well, it could be that people like reading about something they have no interest in, or want an excuse to frown upon. But 30 million copies…? Could it be that the content is actually speaking to something that people actually like? Something that, to varying degrees, titillates or arouses us? Could it be that a lot of people are at least a little bit kinky?

We like to categorise people in this society, put them in boxes, label them as one thing or another, especially when it comes to sex. You’re either gay or straight, open-minded or frigid, perverted or normal.

In reality though, it’s not either or, we’re on a continuum. There are spectra of sexuality. Some of us are very open-minded and adventurous and others really quite limited (and it’s likely to vary throughout our lives). Looking at the spectrum of sexual orientation, some of us are completely heterosexual and some of us are completely homosexual, most of us are somewhere in-between.

In regard to the sexual orientation spectrum, at least we can talk about it. Gone are the days when homosexuality was considered a mental problem, an act against God or in any way a perverted abomination. For the most part in this society, we accept that it’s normal to be homosexual.

Perhaps acceptance of kinkiness is where we were forty years ago in relation to homosexuality: it’s starting to be accepted, by the experts and the mainstream, that this is not a perversion, it doesn’t need ‘fixing’ and it’s innate in some people and not others. The professionals now accept that if BDSM is undertaken between consenting adults in a safe and respectful manner, then its fine. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but then hey, maybe you drink Earl Grey and they prefer peppermint. That is, it’s just a matter of taste.

So maybe the 30 million plus readers of the trilogy are tapping into the innate possibility of something within themselves. Or maybe it’s giving them permission to accept and explore erotic possibilities. For a lot of mainstream people kinky elements of sex are already part of their sexual play. Plenty of people use blindfolds, handcuffs (even if they are pink fluffy ones), engage in some hair pulling or biting or digging in of nails while in the throes of passion. They may not have a St Andrew’s Cross set up in the corner of the bedroom, but they might have a number of toys and props that heighten sensation and allow them to play in the often delicious borders of pleasure and pain.

It’s just like food really. Some people are complete vegetarians and others are big meat-eaters. Most people are somewhere in-between, and where you are on that continuum depends on your taste. It’s the same with liking savoury or sweet food; eating frequently or sticking to meal times; being a gourmet who puts a lot of time and effort into food, or someone who’s happy with microwaving a TV dinner; being a foodie who loves to try new and different taste sensations or someone who sticks to the tried and true meat and three veg.

Within your home you have to negotiate eating so that everyone’s preferences are met. The frequency you eat, the quantity of food, the availability of food, the quality of the food, the type of food, the way it’s presented, where you eat, who you eat with, when you eat; as well as what you do if you’re not hungry, or if you don’t like the food, or if you’re finding it any way unsatisfying, or you don’t feel like cooking; not to mention who plans the meals, who does the shopping, who does the cooking, who cleans up after…

It’s the same with sex. This I believe is one of the most important, and strongest, messages in the 50 Shades Trilogy: you have to negotiate your sexual relationship with your partner. In the trilogy the two main characters are constantly negotiating and pushing their boundaries around her need for intimacy and his for kinky play.

I have to say that by the third book their endless discussions do make for quite tedious reading, but then, it’s not meant to be high literature. The fact they do it though, is illustrative for every couple.

She's pushing her boundaries re BDSM and he's pushing his through allowing intimacy. It's scary for both of them, they have their freak-outs, but they keep working through it. For a start, they both experiment a bit and explore the possibility that they might each like the other’s tastes. It’s not always easy for either of them, yet coming from a place of commitment, with honesty and respect for each other’s struggles, they craft a positive sexual relationship that is mutually desirable and satisfying.

So much of my own work with couples is around this very topic - how to talk with each other about sex. So many couples never do to talk about it, they just fumble along hoping or assuming that their partner is ok with whatever they’re doing; or they stick to same old sexual script that is safe, if a little predictable and dull. It’s rather like serving the same meals over and over again without ever asking whether everyone likes it, or expressing whether you do, and never ever experimenting with variations or whole new dishes.

If you accept that we all have different tastes, and that’s ok (sushi and spaghetti have both at times been looked at with suspicion but are now mainstream cuisines), and that there are spectra of sexuality (having occasional fantasies about same-sex liaisons does not make you homosexual any more than tying your partner to the bed means you’re on your way to setting up a dungeon in the spare room (not that there’s anything wrong with that if you do.)

Sex, like food, is supposed to be enjoyable. More so than food in fact: to get all the health and wellbeing benefits from sex (and by that I don’t just mean intercourse, I mean all aspects of intimate relating), it must be pleasurable. If it’s not, you don’t get the benefits. Our bodies and psyches are designed to respond positively to sexual pleasure. If we limit our pleasure options, then we won’t reap the potential benefits. Exploring our tastes within all the different spectra of sexuality opens us up to ongoing positive sexual experiences.

The 50 Shades Trilogy might be mostly trite romance, but the main characters do successfully negotiate and craft a positive sex life, and so we assume, do live happily ever after…


This was originally published in MindFood Magazine as Fifty Shades of Sexuality