What would you like to do sexually if you were brave enough to do it?

And let’s be honest here, what would you like to do if you could be sure that it would be a wonderful experience and couldn’t possibly go terribly wrong?

There might also be that niggling thought of whether your fantasy is good/moral/healthy/won’t-send-me-straight-to-hell. Just for the sake of argument here, let’s go with the concept that any consensual activity between consenting living adult humans is ok. So if you want to do it and the person/people you’re doing it with want to do it too, then all good.

Now there might be problems if the person agreeable to engage in a fantasy with you is not your partner. That could preclude the fantasy, but not necessarily.

You see, the most important thing here is communicating what your fantasy is. Or if you don’t even know what your fantasy is or could be, finding enjoyable enlightening ways of talking about possibilities.

It takes good communication skills to be able to open up without fear of rejection or negativity on your partner’s part. That’s why I stress the importance of good communication, without it your sexual relationship will stay limited and most probably contract.

It doesn’t have to be heavy though, in fact it should be fun. Sex is play-time for grown-ups remember and talking about it should be just as much fun.

So, you could read some erotica together, or watch erotic movies and talk about what you did and didn’t like about the content. If there are elements of mutual erotic interest, then you can have a chat about how you could introduce that kind of play into your own sexual play. Notice that I say, ‘that kind of play’, it doesn’t have to be identical. Often what we see or read about is more extreme than what we’d like to do ourselves, particularly if it’s a new, rather scary concept. So, tone it down a bit. If the idea of sex in a restaurant gets you excited, it doesn’t mean you have to run down to your local cheap and cheerful Chinese and bare all. You might just play footsies under the table without knickers on. If you do want to go the whole way, you might want to research dark restaurants with private booths and discrete waiting staff.

The point is that you have to make it your own.

You can also play games with each other along the lines of spin the bottle, truth and dare, you tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine.

Or start telling an erotic story, then take it in turns to add to the story. It’s amazing what you can find out about each other when you play this game. At the very least you can have good giggle. Start with something like: “It was a dark stormy night when you walked in out of the cold carrying an unusual brown paper bag. You placed in front of me with a peculiar look in your eye and said.” And then your partner continues

Keep in mind that not all fantasies have to be acted out. It might be a bit hard to get a whole football team to fit in the bedroom anyway. Not to mention that historical or sci-fi or other fantastical fantasies can’t be done. Just the sharing can be erotic fun though, and it can provide inspiration for more everyday loving.

I was asked these questions recently for a women’s magazine:

1. Why is playing dress ups in the bedroom (whether it be naughty nurse or Roman Gladiator) so much fun for a couple?

Because pretending to be someone else can free you up to be less inhibited. You can try things you wouldn’t normally do because it’s not ‘you’ doing it, it’s your character. It’s also just fun and silly, and when you’re doing things that are fun and silly you feel happier and therefore the whole experience is more enjoyable.

2. How should a woman suggest a dress-up session to her partner?

Playfully! This is play-time for grown-ups, so the suggestion needs to set the mood. You might be watching a movie that gives you an idea, or reading a book: “Ooh, sweetheart, Captain Jack Sparrow is so sexy, how about we play pirates, and I can be your captive, that is, if you can subdue me!”

3. What are your tips for couples wanting to play dress ups? (e.g. make sure you stay in character? have lots of fun accessories? Leave on parts of the outfit even when you get down to business? etc)

Costumes and props certainly help set the mood and let you get into character, and the planning and shopping can add to the anticipation - which is very good for building desire! But then again, it might be a spontaneous decision - you’re Little Red Riding Hood to his Big Bad Wolf, and there’s no time for dress-up, you just have to run, fast!!

4. Is there a certain position or sexual act you can recommend when playing dress ups?

That all depends on what you’re playing! If you’re the Policewoman interrogating the very very bad criminal, you’ll probably be behaving quite differently than if you’re the Roman Emperor’s favourite sex slave, if you get my drift.

So don’t think about things like acts and positions, overthinking will get in the way. Let yourselves go into the fantasy and allow whatever happens to happen, you may be surprised at just how creative you can be!

In the last post I wrote about consensual non-monogamy. It’s an option for some people and it can work. However, it’s not for everyone. Most people prefer to be at least primarily, if not exclusively, monogamous.

But for monogamy to work you need consensual non-monotony.

Yes, it’s a play on words, but it’s also an extremely important point. A couple can only have good on-going sex if they both agree to make it good.

As I’ve stressed so often, good sex doesn’t just ‘happen’, you must work at it, and you both have to work at it as a joint project. Otherwise, you get complacency and dreariness.

You both need to agree to ditch the monotony!

This is the most common client problem that I deal with - couples who want to improve the quality of their sex life. While a small proportion are open to considering non-monogamy, most want to improve things between themselves alone.

The key to success at consensual non-monotony is openness with each other – honest, real communication. That’s what is required to be able to discuss and explore and examine and refine.

This level of openness with each other is only possible if you have complete respect for each other, for yourself and for them. If you feel that your partner is judging you, or if you feel that you’re judging yourself then you will hold yourself back and you will not be completely open.

It’s really hard to be this open with your partner! It’s hard to be so trusting and so non-judgmental. It takes practice. I know from working with couples, that once they get to this level of open communication that the miracles start happening. I love that point! It’s what makes my work so worthwhile.

So, consent to non-monotony – and make it happen!

I’ve written elsewhere about how humans are not necessarily naturally monogamous, and that’s it’s a social norm rather than a biological imperative.

It’s a very strong social norm, and anyone who goes against that norm risks pretty severe social disapproval, particularly if it’s done in a deceitful way. Unfortunately, most non-monogamy is deceitful, one party has an affair, or several, and when the other finds out it can be ruinous for the relationship. I am completely against non-consensual non-monogamy, ie cheating on your partner.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other though, monogamy or cheating. If monogamy works for you, great, if not, there are more options than being unfaithful to your partner in a deceitful way.

It is possible to be non-monogamous – with consent. That’s the difference, it must be consensual. When a couple both agree to be non-monogamous and continually assess the situation and their own rules and boundaries, then it can be a successful approach to living and loving.

I do want to stress though, that in this society it’s not easy to be non-monogamous, and I'm certainly not suggesting that anyone should be. However, it does work for some people. I often work with couples (and triads) exploring non-monogamy and help them decide if it is for them and if so how to go about it safely and respectfully.

Whether it’s something you’re considering for yourselves, or if you’re just curious about possibilities, here is a description of different approaches to consensual non-monogamy.

Polyamory
This is where a person has more than one committed relationship going on at the same time. The founding belief is that you can love more than one person at a time, and you can have a committed loving on-going sexual relationship with more than one person at a time.

In this situation you generally don’t have a primary ‘couple’ as such, although it can be that two people are married and one or both also has one or more other committed relationships. (You can imagine that polyamorous ‘families’, as they’re often termed, can get quite complex in structure!) These types of relationship structures can be quite fluid and organic as partners grow and change.

Swinging
This is where a committed couple have sex with other people at the same time. They do not have sex with other people on their own or without their partner being present.

Each couple will have their own rules about what they agree to do. Generally, the options are;

• play with other people, but no intercourse or no genital interaction;
• play with other women only;
• play with other men only;
• one plays while the other watches;
• only play with other couples;
• watch other people but only have sex with themselves;
• play freely within a certain situation such as at a swingers party or swingers club.

It’s important that a couple who get into swinging continually check in on each other to make sure both are comfortable with what’s going on and take it slowly.

Open Relationship
This is where a couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people. They remain the primary couple at all times, and each is the primary partner to the other. Any other sexual interactions are secondary, and the primary relationship takes precedence.

Each couple will have their own rules around how this is possible, such as:

• only when you’re out of town;
• not with friends;
• only with people of a certain sex;
• tell all;
• tell bits;
• don’t tell all;
• ask me first;
• only once a year (or some other time frame).

The key thing to successful non-monogamous relationships is that it is done:

• respectfully
• safely
• with continuous communication
• with continual openness to renegotiate.

When done like this, non-monogamy can offer a broader, more satisfying approach to relating than the serial monogamy approach to relationships that are the norm in this society. As I've mentioned before, I believe we are all on a continuum of monogamy, with some of us completely monogamous and some of us completely non-monogamous and most of us somewhere in-between.

If you choose the standard monogamy option, that tends to be easier as the 'rules' are established by society rather than the couple (although even then most couples will have to set their own rules around levels of acceptable interaction and friendships with people of the opposite sex). If you choose non-monogamy then you have to set your own rules, and that means complete honesty and excellent communication, plus a willingness to experiment, make mistakes and continually reassess and evolve.

It's not for everyone, but it can and does work. And one thing's for sure, the standard dual option of pure monogamy or deceitful infidelity is not the answer.

If you’re interested in finding out more, I recommend the excellent books The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy and Polyamory – the new love without limitsby Dr D M Anapol.

 

Regular 69 can be pretty challenging, receiving and giving focused pleasure at the same time - aargh!

And if you’re still stuck in the belief that genital stimulation has to lead to orgasm, it's even worse - how can you orgasm when you’re distracted with giving the pleasure, or vice versa??

I’m more an exponent of Languid 69.

You still get the benefit of focusing on each other’s lovely genitals, without such intense simultaneous stimulation.

So lie together in your standard 69 position: top to toe, heads and hands at the level of each other’s pelvises.

Then take it in turns to focus on your partner. One receives while the other gives delectable oral pleasure. The receiver gives most of their attention to the receiving, while cupping their hands over their partner’s genitals, or playing with them lightly. Then, with ease and grace, you swap roles, with the focused giver becoming the focused receiver and the light giver becoming the light receiver.

What’s so lovely about this approach to oral sex is that it is languid. There is no on-going or increasing intensity (although there might be moments or periods of fervour). The aim is not to get the other off, simply to share delicious pleasure.

A gorgeous connection and flow of energy is maintained by the coupling between both lovers’ pelvises and heads or hands. Yet this continues in a non-distracting way, because the one giving the focused pleasure is not distracted by intense pleasure on their own genitals. The receiver of the focused pleasure only touches the other in a gentle way.

So there is more flow than in standard 69 and more connection than simply taking it in turns to go down on each other.

The flow from one to the other is natural, as the receiver of the focused pleasure moves their attention to greater focus on their partner, and they in turn lessen focus and receive.

This can go on for hours and hours.

I consider myself sexually monogamous, but sensually non-monogamous.

What I mean by that is that I keep my genitals to myself and my partner. For me that’s ‘sacred zone’ just for us. I have no desire to share that part of myself with anyone else. But there’s so much more available to share and enjoy with others when you go beyond the genitals. As I say so often, sexuality is so much more than engaging our nether regions. I have been called a sexual energy slut, and it’s probably true. I love to bathe in the sexual energy of others.

It gets quite Sapphic with women - holding the gaze while feeling the flow of energy between us; touching their soft skin so lightly; the gentle brush of feminine lip on lip. There is a sense of suffusion of feeling that then gathers more obviously into a sublime flow of sexual energy within and without.

With men the energy is different, stronger. I tend to feel it more directly in the lower chakras, from there it rises and diffuses throughout my body. The touch of a man, energetically or physically is masculine, and feeds my femininity.

It is far more a spiritual experience than physical. It has very little in common with mainstream views of what is ‘sexual’.

This is assuming those I share energy with are balanced in their yin and yang, are open to the sharing and merging of sexual energy. If there is a grasping energy behind it, anything sordid or sleazy, then there is no energetic opening, at least not a positive one.

The sharing of sensuality, of sexual energy, is done with openness, with great love, flow, depth, connection; and it feeds and enhances our sense of self and our personal growth.

Your sensual openness can be as much or as little as you and your partner feel comfortable with. And there’s a time and place of course. At times it will be simply admiring another person, feeling a connection as humans, simply knowing there is a sexual energetic connection that links us all. At other times it might involve touch, even kissing, depending on the situation and of course on what you have discussed and agreed with your partner. As with all aspects of sexuality that extends beyond the narrowly defined norms of our society, open-hearted honest communication between partners is essential to being able to live freely and safely.

Making love to yourself is a wonderful experience. It gets you in touch with your body, more confident in your sexuality, it makes you more orgasmic, floods your body with happy hormones, and generally makes you happier and healthier!

I call it self-pleasuring, which is a far more appealing and indulgent term than the clinical, and somehow ‘wrong’ sounding term of ‘masturbation’.

Solo sex is different to partnered sex. It’s not worse than partnered sex, or less than partnered sex - what you do when you can’t get the ‘real thing’ - it’s just different.
It is still sex, at least the type of sex that I promote, that is, it’s about pleasure not just the quickest route to orgasm - so treat it like sex and actually make love to yourself.

First, set the scene. You want to be in a luscious environment, with gorgeous music, soft lighting, lots of pillows stacked behind you so that you’re reclining rather than flat on your back.

You might like to have a bath first to relax yourself - maybe ready some erotica as you bathe. Or read some erotica as preparation while you eat a few delectable chocolates…

Lather your body with scented oils, paying particular attention to your breasts. Caress and feel all your lovely lady curves - your shoulders, tummy, hips, thighs, all of it. Take the time to prepare your body for genital stimulation.

When you feel ready, cup your vulva with one hand and leave it there while you take the time to connect with your genitals. Feel their heat, feel their softness, feel their beauty, feel their power.

You might like to have your other hand on the centre of your chest, so you’re connecting the heart and sexual centres of your body. If this appeals, you can imagine that your love energy is running down your arm from your chest into your vulva, and the sexual energy is running up your body from genitals to heart, in a continuous flow, merging the love and sexual energies within you.

As you feel ready, gently explore your vulva, stroking your lips and your clitoris, exploring your vagina a little, connecting more with your genital area.

Now put a little lube on your fingers and start stroking your clitoris. Explore different strokes, speed, rhythms, and pressure. Notice how even a tiny change in location can make quite a difference in sensation.

Experiment with your legs in different positions: apart, together, in frog pose (soles of feet touching). Experiment with using your hand as well: to hold your lips apart, or put fingers in your vagina, or squeeze your nipples. Try lying on your side or on your tummy as well as on your back, reclining or sitting.

You might like to put a dildo or vibrator (or even just a carrot, seriously) inside your vagina for internal stimulation, or just for a feeling of fullness.

I recommend using your fingers, but if you prefer a vibrator, that’s fine, do warm yourself up with your fingers first though.

As you feel your arousal building, experiment with belly breathing and squeezing your pelvic floor muscles to draw in the energy. If you like, you can practice the Microcosmic Circuit or Flute Breath, drawing the energy around your body or up the centre. In particular, do this as you approach orgasm and see if you can prolong the pleasure.

Once you do come, keep your hand resting over your vulva and continue to draw the energy into your body, feeling the pleasure dance throughout your whole body.

Do this as many times as you like - women’s genitals can come and come again! If you do it this way, really make love to yourself, then it won’t drain you, it will invigorate you!

You’ll notice I’ve used the word ‘experiment’ a lot because you are experimenting with your body. Your own body is your laboratory of love. There’s no right or wrong, just what’s right for you, and the more you experiment and get to know your own body, the better you’ll know what is right for you and the better your love making will be - solo and partnered!


To discover more about making love to yourself, and celebrating your female sexuality, enrol in my online women's course!

In many religious and spiritual traditions, including mainstream Christianity, whose values permeate modern Western culture, sexuality has not been considered spiritual. Spirituality was seen as lofty and above the physical, so to be spiritual, closer to God, one had to reject the physical, and therefore the sexual.

Many, but not all, spiritually developed people do feel less like sex, just as they also feel less like food (or certain foods like meat or sugar or spices). So spiritual development can lead to a desire for celibacy. However, assuming the opposite is right - forcing people to be celibate - does not actually lead to people becoming more spiritual. In fact it can do the opposite. As history so often proves, prohibition focuses the desires on what’s not allowed, leading to compulsive, addictive behaviours.

You see, the reason why highly spiritual people often don’t feel the need for sex, is that they’re already in a state of bliss. As one Buddhist monk replied when asked how he coped without sex: “Why would I want sex when I’m coming all the time?”

So celibacy is quite a natural and desirable choice for spiritual people.

It’s not the only one though. You can be feeling the bliss and still engage in gorgeous love-making, which will encourage and increase the bliss.

What you will lose as you develop spiritually, though, is a craving for sex, especially the high-intensity, genital-focused sex that tends to be promoted as ‘good’ sex. Just as your body will no longer want foods that don’t nourish it, you won’t want sex that doesn’t nourish you.

As you develop spiritually, the type of sex you have will naturally evolve along with you. It will become an integral part of your life. You’ll feel sexual energy permeate your life. It won’t be sex separated from the rest of life, you will live life as sexual expression. If that includes actual genital engagement, that’s all well and good. If you find that physical sex is no longer part of your self-expression, that’s great too.

The important thing is that your sexuality, celibate or active, is a natural extension of your true expression of self.

Celibacy can be a desirable choice for spiritual people, but it's not the only 'right' one.

you have to add it to something that’s already good.

I mean, put a teaspoon of saffron or chilli into your mouth, chew some cinnamon sticks or crunch on some dried juniper berries, and it will be a pretty unimpressive gustatory experience. It might even be nauseatingly awful.

Add those same spices to a curry, a stew, a cake, and it can transform the good into the exceptionally sublime.

It’s the same with sex.

If you’re wanting to spice up your sex life you need to make sure you’ve got a good solid sex life first.

No sex toy, lingerie or new position ever transformed a sex life that wasn’t solid to start with; and if you try some of the more extreme spicy versions of sex without excellent connection and brilliant communication then it could well turn traumatic.

So make sure you’ve got the basics first: make sure you’ve got the bonding happening, that beforeplay is an on-going never stopping part of life, and that your sexual connection is real and solid.

Then, and only then, can you check out the spice rack and start experimenting.