How many people are in relationship limbo, not knowing whether they should stay in the relationship or leave it? I see them all the time, mentally adding up the positives and the negatives, weighing them up against each other, hoping to come to some logical decision about whether to stay or go.

Trying to weigh up the positives and the negatives as a means of deciding whether the relationship is good or not is never very effective. Some days it weighs in favour of one decision, some days another.

It doesn’t come down to whether the positives outweigh the negatives. It actually comes down to some simple, key points.

Mira Kirshenbaum outlines these in her brilliant book Too Good To Leave Too Bad To Stay (Plume, 1996), which I highly recommend if you’re in relationship limbo, or what she calls ‘relationship ambivalence’. By examining these key points, and answering yes or no to some simple questions, you’ll get a feel for whether you want to stay in your relationship and whether you want to do the work necessary to make it better.

Some of the key points include:

Does your partner respect you? And do you respect your partner?

Is there a power imbalance so your partner makes you feel humiliated? Or does s/he bombard you with obstacles so that you can’t get even your smallest needs met?

Have you given time for hurts to heal? Does your relationship have the capacity for forgiveness?

Has your partner breached a bottom line?

Is the relationship abusive?

Was it ever really good? If not, it probably never will be.

Are you both capable of change?

Do you actually like your partner, and does s/he actually like you?

Despite everything, have you still got more to give?

Your responses to questions like these will give you a greater insight into the decision you need to make than any amount of comparing the good and bad. As Ms Kirshenbaum points out, you can’t be like a lawyer piling up the evidence for and against, you need to be like a doctor making a diagnosis.

So, the take home message here is that if you’re in limbo unsure of whether to stay or go, focus on the few important issues rather than all the positives and negatives.

Once you’ve made your decision, stick to it and stop tormenting yourself with the constant weighing up of pros and cons. If you decide to stay, commit to that and making the changes needed (even if it’s simply letting go of stuff); and if you decide to go, pull the bandage off quickly, and go.

Have you ever tried having sex without any intention to orgasm? Without even moving?

Try it, in fact try it regularly – just lie together, penis inside vagina, and do nothing.

That’s it.

Not much to it really.

For genitals more used to intensity and vigour, you might not feel much at first as you’ve trained yourself to need intensity to feel sensation. Yet over time you will start to wake your genitals up. The vagina and the penis will start to feel again. They’ll start to feel subtlety, and from there comes exquisiteness of sensation.

It’s lovely to do this in spoon position, lying on your sides with her back to his front. He embraces her body with his body on the outside, and she embraces his penis with her vagina on the inside. Or you can do it lying facing each other, gazing softly into each others eyes as you do so.

You can both squeeze your pelvic floor muscles now and again to keep the erection, but move as little as possible. Not that you even need an erection for this, soft entry can be just as lovely.

Align your breathing as you lie there together, and you’ll find it even more interesting. Do that for just a minute or up to 15 minutes or more, to see how it feels.

You can fall asleep together plugging in.

You can wake up and have a simple plug in.

At other times you might use a plug in as a way to connect before moving into more vigorous intercourse.

It can also be a lovely interlude during intercourse, where you stop, still connected genitally and simply enjoy the sensation without movement.

In this way you’ll learn to appreciate the quiet, soft, valleys of sex. This is so different to what we usually think of as good sex that it might seem really odd at first, but do it regularly and you’ll find it changes the way you make love ever after.

In the spiritual traditions it is said that a man can’t become a good lover until he reaches the age of 50, because until then he is too obsessed with his penis.

That’s a slightly different approach to our standard approach to sex, which is all about the penis and the physical.

Yes, physical sexuality naturally declines with age. Yet our spirituality should grow. So combining sexuality with spirituality, rather than with physicality, means sexuality continues to grow.

If your concept of sex is intense physical coupling, which is what’s promoted in our society, particularly in this porn-obsessed world, then you’ll think that sex inevitably worsens with age.

However, once you make the shift to understanding and embracing the spiritual concepts of sex and sexuality, then a whole new realm of experience and pleasure opens up to you.

No longer will sex be physical rutting, you won’t be shagging like 17 year-olds, you might not even connect genitally, but my gosh you can go to beautiful places, and have orgasmic experiences that far outweigh the momentary flush of a standard genital orgasm (not to imply that those can’t be had too!)

If you age with wisdom, growing in self-awareness and taking good care of yourself physically, then there is every reason for your sexual relating to grow and grow.

Till by the time you’re in your 90’s you’ll be having the most cosmic sex of your life - simply lying next to your lover will envelop you in waves of ecstatic bliss.

But why wait till you’re old? Start now, whatever your age!

I have just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life - running the first ever five-day Luscious Lovers Retreat in Bali!

It’s hard to describe how wonderful it has been to spend that amount of time with ten couples all committed to deepening their connection and creating more beautiful and gorgeous sexual relating.

The venue was perfect, the food was amazing. We had our own private villa looking out over rice paddies and bamboo groves. With evocative music, the atmosphere was potent and moving. Everyone loved it.

As one participant said: “You don’t ‘instruct’, rather you entice us into the most beautiful space of lushness.”

I don’t think she could have given me a greater compliment!

To inspire you a touch more, here’s what one of the other participants reported:

"We want to thank you so very much for the most wonderful week in paradise, both literally and metaphorically. Having been to your workshops previously we knew for sure that we were in for a week of lusciousness, but our week with you in Bali was more gloriously luscious and inspiring than we could have imagined.

You have the most wonderful way of building confidence and trust and a feeling of inclusion very quickly at the beginning of a retreat in what is essentially a group of strangers, so that by the time you are guiding us all to the conclusion of the retreat, we are all feeling cocooned and supported by the most wonderful shared, warm, inspiring positive energy. I just love watching you so intelligently and openly sharing your integrity, sincerity, honesty and your passion for us all to achieve the ecstasy, joy and fulfillment of this most intimate expression of our life force."

So please join me with your beloved for the experience of a lifetime.

Book into a Bali retreat here!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It’s true. Think about how much more attractive your partner is when they’ve been away for a while. Maybe they’ve been to the gym, and they come back alert and refreshed and with a healthy glow about them; or maybe they’ve been out catching up with friends and have come back glowing and full of tales to tell; maybe they’re studying at night school and come home elated and wanting to share their new knowledge.

When your partner has been apart from you, doing interesting things, they come back fresher, more vibrant and with a desirable energy. You can look at them and think to yourself: “Mmm, I like you”

So beforeplay is not just about being together. It’s also about building the “Mmm” factor through time apart.

So many women tell me they wish their husband would get a life of his own, rather than depending on her for stimulation and entertainment, which is tiring and unarousing. If he gave her some space and went and did something that he enjoyed for his own sake, then she would find him appealing.

How much time apart you need will depend on you as individuals and as a couple. Some people thrive on large amounts of time apart, others prefer to spend as much time as possible together.

Of course, it has to be two-way, you both need the freedom to be away doing things on your own. It’s not fair if one’s allowed to and the other isn’t, or alternatively, if one lets themselves have the space and the other doesn’t! Having said that, each of you might have different needs for space, so there will be negotiation.

Be careful about what you consider to be “space” though. If one of you works in a demanding job with long hours, they might well need space on top of that, whereas if you’re the one at home waiting for them, you might think they’ve had enough time without you and now it’s couple time - which just adds to the stress and pressure of the other.

You need to be in a good relationship to have quality time apart. You can’t be too “fused” as a couple, where you’ve lost the ability to self-validate. If having your partner away makes you feel jealous and leads to stress and tension when they get home, that’s not going to lead to heightened desire. Or if you get resentful that they’re away having fun while you’re stuck at home or in a job you hate, then that won’t work either.

There could be good reason for feeling jealous or resentful if your partner has abused time apart in the past, in which case you need to work on trust. But often those negative feelings associated with your partner being away from you are due to low self-esteem and a fused relationship, a feeling that you can’t function on your own.

Like so many aspects of having a good relationship, it takes skill to balance the amount of time together and the time apart that you have. Like everything else, you can’t make assumptions, you have to actually speak with each other, then try it and see, and constantly review and discuss. It’s an ongoing process. When you do get the balance right, so that you have quality Beforeplay together, augmented by quality Beforeplay by being apart, then life will be good and the loving plentiful!

Aren’t men supposed to be insatiable sex machines, always gagging for it, ready at the drop of a hat, incessantly harassing their poor female partner to satiate their voracious appetite?

If you believe that, and you’ve lost interest, then you’re going to think that something really bad is going on. Your partner might think so too, and might even blame herself: “If all other women are having to fight off their man, and mine isn’t even interested, then what’s wrong with me?”

Either that or your partner might think that there’s something wrong with you: “What kind of a man are you? Limp dick!” Which is hardly going to help the situation.

If you’re the man and you’ve lost interest, you too might blame yourself: “What’s wrong with me? Am I a real man?” Or you might blame your partner: “Give it a rest woman, can’t you tell I’m busy and stressed - you want me to provide for the family and service your needs? I’m not a stud animal.”

The simple fact though, is that men are simply human. Men get stressed and tired too, and quite often that affects their sexual desire.

So if it’s work pressure, health issues or family difficulties:

Ladies, give him a break, he probably needs nurturing love (which can include tender gentle sex) not harassment.

Guys, give yourself a break and ask for what you need.

And both of you: focus on the root cause of the stress and do what you can to relieve it.

The one thing that won’t work is harshness and criticism from the female partner. (I have to say that I am constantly amazed at how many women think that criticizing their partner’s sexuality will improve the situation.) Criticizing will only further emasculate him or make him angry and cause more division. Ladies, think of how you’d like to be treated if you weren’t feeling up to sex, and treat him the same way. Chances are that will be more about kindness than contempt.

There are other reasons why men might lose interest.

One is that he has been rejected so often in the past that he has given up and can’t switch the desire back on. To fix this, you both need to acknowledge what is going on and together work gently to heal the hurt of so much rejection and give him strength to allow the desire to flow again.

He may have suffered sexual trauma in the past. This is far more common among men than generally acknowledged. It could have been childhood sexual abuse, or he could have been used by women in some way, such as being a non-consenting sperm donor in order to father a child. Whether actual abuse or being taken for granted or used in some way, that can turn a man off sex.

Another common reason is that he’s bought into the Madonna-Whore approach to women. That is, you have sex with the bad girls (because sex is dirty) and not with a woman you love (because love is pure and sex would sully that purity). When a man has bought into this belief, he’ll find it hard to have sex with a woman he loves, or in another version of this, when she becomes his wife or becomes a mother. Overcoming this problem generally requires a man to do some focused work on himself - to understand his belief patterns and work to reframe them.

All the above reasons can be worked on and improved.

It is also possible that he just isn’t into his partner any more. In some cases that can be improved, but not always. And ladies, do you want to be with a man who really isn’t in to you?

And there is also the possibility that he is actually gay. Well, if he’s bisexual and you’re both open-minded you might be able to make that work in your relationship, but if he’s truly gay, then better to know and move on than not. It’s sad to end a relationship, but you’ll be giving yourselves the chance for true sexual and relationship happiness.


If you or your male partner has lost interest, come along and see me for sex therapy sessions.

I’m often asked questions like this one I received through Women’s Health Magazine:

My boyfriend wants to watch porn with me, and I have nothing against porn, but I haven't found any that turns me on – the women tend to be all fake-tanned and fake-nailed, and the sex is so staged. Can you make any recommendations on porn that appeals to both men and women?

And my response to enquiries like this tends to be along the lines of:

Porn doesn't do it for everyone. Those close-ups of genitals, ham acting, no plot - for many people that's a "turn me off, baby"! While many people find porn to be a short-cut to rapid arousal, others find it short-circuits arousal and turns them cold.

If you're in the latter group, it's better to find your erotic turn-ons elsewhere: in books, movies, food, poetry, clothing, music - create experiences that really turn you on, from the inside out. Seek seduction, not sleaze; pleasure, not porn; sensuality not superficiality; fun, not fake.

If you and your boyfriend look for real connection and deep eroticism you’ll be enjoying yourselves, lost in sensation, way more than you ever could watching bodies on a screen bumping against each other.

It's not a male versus female thing, there are women who do like the blatancy of porn, and men who find it unappealing. As you know, I don’t buy into the “men-are-like-this” and “woman-are-like-that” polarised view of the sexes. This is one area though, where there’s a difference: men tend to watch and enjoy porn a lot more than women do.

So if you don't enjoy watching porn, there’s nothing wrong with the porn, or with you - no, you’re not frigid! - it’s just not a match.

Even though some scientific studies have shown that when women watch porn, instruments in their vaginas measuring their physiological response indicate they are responding physically to what they’re watching. Maybe they are, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are enjoying it. Women lubricate and can even have orgasms while being raped, that doesn’t mean they’re enjoying it. Physiological response does not always indicate enjoyment.

Personally, I’ve tried to find porn that is in some way arousing for me and I’ve never found anything, and yet I’m a highly sexual women! I much prefer a classy erotic movie with a plot, soft lighting, and no sections that look like an anatomy lesson. But that’s me.

As I say, there’s no right or wrong, if you like it great, if you don’t, great! Just don’t think there’s something wrong with you or your partner if you don’t like it. There will be plenty of other activities that you will both love.

Can I make this very clear?

SEX MUST NOT HURT! NOT EVER!

If it does hurt, change what you’re doing.

Just to be even clearer. I’m not talking about consensual pain, which some people like and are perfectly entitled to like. I’m not talking about what for some people is a turn on.

I think this should be obvious, but plenty of women come to me trying to push through the pain.

I’m talking about hurt, pain that feels off, pain that feels as if there’s something wrong.

First off, get a medical check-up in case there’s a problem that might be able to be treated medically.
Quite often though, it’s either mismatched genital size or having intercourse too soon.

When he’s too big
If the man has a long penis and the women has a short vagina, then positions where he’s going in deep will be painful. You need to experiment to find out what positions work for you as a couple. Generally you need positions where he can’t get in too deep. Some suggestions are:

• Positions where she has her legs together and his are wider,
• Avoid positions where her back is arched, such as deep doggie where her chest is low, try it in a bridge position with her back flat,
• When she’s on top, face towards him rather than away from him.

When she’s not ready
If your genitals are well-matched in size and it still hurts, you may be moving to intercourse before she is ready. I've written a lot on this, so I won’t go over too much of that here. The important thing to remember is that you can tell when a woman is ready for intercourse: she’ll really want it. She’ll have a desire to invite the penis in.

The physiological signs that she is ready are: her outer labia are full and puffed up and she’s lubricating. (Additional lubricant can be used, as long as she does actually want intercourse and her lack of lubrication is not due to a lack of desire). Most important though, is her mental and emotional desire to have the penis inside her. If she thinks she “should” be or “ought to be” ready but she’s not, the sex could be painful.

Pushing through if there’s pain or discomfort, in the hope that it’ll get better, just won’t work.

Applying pressure to pain generally causes more pain. It’s much better to slow down and take your time to get her body receptive to penis in vagina activity.

Inserting the Penis
Different angles of inserting the penis can make a difference if there is some discomfort around the opening. If it’s sore at the back end of the vaginal opening make sure the insertion angles in from the top, so there’s no pressure or pulling on the sore area. Once he’s in, it may well be fine.

And very importantly, make the penis insertion slow and gentle. Be relaxed and focused on the feeling. Once the penis is fully in, rest there a moment or longer to allow her vagina to relax and accommodate the penis.

Honing Your Pelvic Floor Muscles
This is really important - both toning and relaxing. A well-honed vagina is more responsive; it can receive and relax. There is more information in other blogs, here and here, on how to do this. One additional, enjoyable activity to help here is for the woman to have the penis (or a dilator/dildo) inside her, and to slowly and rhythmically draw in and release out with her vagina, breathing in and out as she goes. Breathe in slowly and deeply as you tighten your vagina around the penis, then release the breath out and release the hold with your vagina. This needs to feel smooth and flowing. You can also do this while he is thrusting, starting with slow gentle thrusts - pushing out with the vagina with his inward thrust, inviting him in, then squeezing as he withdraws.

And always remember that there are plenty of other ways to enjoy sexual connection other than intercourse if the penis-in-vagina thing just isn’t working for you at that particular time.

Whether you feel bad about it or good about it, if you’re the lower desire partner (LDP) you have a major impact on how often and how well the two of you have sex. I get at least as many heterosexual couples where the man has the lower level of desire as the woman, so it’s not just “a problem that women have” and in same-sex couples there's always a difference too.

So guys, let’s start with you. If you’re not feeling it, there are some main reasons:

• It’s easier to just masturbate in front of porn. True, but the experience is not the same. Saying “Yes!” to sex with your partner is saying “Yes!” to love and connection and intimacy and a very happy partner!

• If she’s too overbearing, always complaining about the lack of sex. Well, she’s got a point! She’s crying out for intimate connection, so focus on doing good stuff together so that you actually want to be with her.

• Even if she has a higher desire, she never initiates so why should you? The more you show your desire, the more likely she’ll initiate more.

• If you don’t feel good about yourself, don’t take it out on your partner. Get fit, change jobs, give up smoking, take responsibility for your life, and start ravishing her!

Now for the ladies. Why should you say “Yes!” to sex?

• It feels good!

• Your partner will feel closer to you. Men love to connect sexually with their partner.

• You’ll become more in tune with each other, so he’ll get better at asking at the right times, and he’ll get better at doing what you need to get to “Yes!”

• Good regular sex makes you look and feel younger, more vibrant, more vital and sexier. It’s a positive feedback loop.

So to LDPs of any gender I say:

If sex is just too boring to be bothered you need to make some changes. Sex is most definitely not meant to be boring!

We haven’t been blessed with enormous brains as well as bodies riddled with pleasure receptors in order to have boring sex!

Sex is meant to be creative and playful and pleasurable and ever-changing and satisfying.

Make it so!

We’re not brought up to have faith in our bodies these days. Pharmaceutical companies get rich by making us feel our bodies can’t heal themselves; fashion and beauty companies get rich by making us feel our bodies aren’t attractive enough.

While of course modern medicine is a wonderful thing, and looking good is great too, the problem is when we become dependant on these external agencies to make the judgement for us, rather than trusting out body to let us know what it needs.

The more in tune with your body you become the more you can trust it and the freer and more confidant you will feel.

This is essential for quality sex. Sex more than anything else requires you to let go and trust your body to feel and respond.

So you need to train your body in other parts of life to be able to trust itself, so you can bring that empowered connection and intuitive feeling into your lovemaking.

If you’re feeling unwell, tune in to what your body needs rather than automatically taking the painkillers or cold and flu tablets. If you’re depressed or anxious, really check in to what your body is telling you, rather than automatically taking anti-depressants.

If you want to get fit and healthy, trust your body as to the type of activity and intensity of activity that it needs. Don’t assume you have to be in agony to get fit. An intense workout may be more damaging than a long walk in a beautiful setting. To find out which is better - ask your body.

Before you spend a fortune on the latest fashion trend or cosmetic treatment, check in with your body to see if it really will make you look and feel better.

Once you’ve developed this strong body connection and can trust your body, then you’ll know whether the medications or activities or beauty treatments are going to be good for you. There’s nothing wrong with any of these things, they are all beneficial when used well.

As I so often say, it’s not what you do but how you do it. Where is the motivation coming from? If it’s from fear or lack of confidence or blind trust in authorities/media/whatever, then that’s a problem. If it’s a considered and conscious choice, that’s great.

So, back to sex: the more you trust your body, the more in tune with it you become, the better the sexual experience. Men become more connected to their penises, with less angst around ‘performance’, women become more aware of boundaries and improve their ability to let go and enjoy, and both become more able to sync in with each other. You get out of your head and into your body and the whole experience flows.