I’m often asked questions like this one I received through Women’s Health Magazine:

My boyfriend wants to watch porn with me, and I have nothing against porn, but I haven't found any that turns me on – the women tend to be all fake-tanned and fake-nailed, and the sex is so staged. Can you make any recommendations on porn that appeals to both men and women?

And my response to enquiries like this tends to be along the lines of:

Porn doesn't do it for everyone. Those close-ups of genitals, ham acting, no plot - for many people that's a "turn me off, baby"! While many people find porn to be a short-cut to rapid arousal, others find it short-circuits arousal and turns them cold.

If you're in the latter group, it's better to find your erotic turn-ons elsewhere: in books, movies, food, poetry, clothing, music - create experiences that really turn you on, from the inside out. Seek seduction, not sleaze; pleasure, not porn; sensuality not superficiality; fun, not fake.

If you and your boyfriend look for real connection and deep eroticism you’ll be enjoying yourselves, lost in sensation, way more than you ever could watching bodies on a screen bumping against each other.

It's not a male versus female thing, there are women who do like the blatancy of porn, and men who find it unappealing. As you know, I don’t buy into the “men-are-like-this” and “woman-are-like-that” polarised view of the sexes. This is one area though, where there’s a difference: men tend to watch and enjoy porn a lot more than women do.

So if you don't enjoy watching porn, there’s nothing wrong with the porn, or with you - no, you’re not frigid! - it’s just not a match.

Even though some scientific studies have shown that when women watch porn, instruments in their vaginas measuring their physiological response indicate they are responding physically to what they’re watching. Maybe they are, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are enjoying it. Women lubricate and can even have orgasms while being raped, that doesn’t mean they’re enjoying it. Physiological response does not always indicate enjoyment.

Personally, I’ve tried to find porn that is in some way arousing for me and I’ve never found anything, and yet I’m a highly sexual women! I much prefer a classy erotic movie with a plot, soft lighting, and no sections that look like an anatomy lesson. But that’s me.

As I say, there’s no right or wrong, if you like it great, if you don’t, great! Just don’t think there’s something wrong with you or your partner if you don’t like it. There will be plenty of other activities that you will both love.

Can I make this very clear?

SEX MUST NOT HURT! NOT EVER!

If it does hurt, change what you’re doing.

Just to be even clearer. I’m not talking about consensual pain, which some people like and are perfectly entitled to like. I’m not talking about what for some people is a turn on.

I think this should be obvious, but plenty of women come to me trying to push through the pain.

I’m talking about hurt, pain that feels off, pain that feels as if there’s something wrong.

First off, get a medical check-up in case there’s a problem that might be able to be treated medically.
Quite often though, it’s either mismatched genital size or having intercourse too soon.

When he’s too big
If the man has a long penis and the women has a short vagina, then positions where he’s going in deep will be painful. You need to experiment to find out what positions work for you as a couple. Generally you need positions where he can’t get in too deep. Some suggestions are:

• Positions where she has her legs together and his are wider,
• Avoid positions where her back is arched, such as deep doggie where her chest is low, try it in a bridge position with her back flat,
• When she’s on top, face towards him rather than away from him.

When she’s not ready
If your genitals are well-matched in size and it still hurts, you may be moving to intercourse before she is ready. I've written a lot on this, so I won’t go over too much of that here. The important thing to remember is that you can tell when a woman is ready for intercourse: she’ll really want it. She’ll have a desire to invite the penis in.

The physiological signs that she is ready are: her outer labia are full and puffed up and she’s lubricating. (Additional lubricant can be used, as long as she does actually want intercourse and her lack of lubrication is not due to a lack of desire). Most important though, is her mental and emotional desire to have the penis inside her. If she thinks she “should” be or “ought to be” ready but she’s not, the sex could be painful.

Pushing through if there’s pain or discomfort, in the hope that it’ll get better, just won’t work.

Applying pressure to pain generally causes more pain. It’s much better to slow down and take your time to get her body receptive to penis in vagina activity.

Inserting the Penis
Different angles of inserting the penis can make a difference if there is some discomfort around the opening. If it’s sore at the back end of the vaginal opening make sure the insertion angles in from the top, so there’s no pressure or pulling on the sore area. Once he’s in, it may well be fine.

And very importantly, make the penis insertion slow and gentle. Be relaxed and focused on the feeling. Once the penis is fully in, rest there a moment or longer to allow her vagina to relax and accommodate the penis.

Honing Your Pelvic Floor Muscles
This is really important - both toning and relaxing. A well-honed vagina is more responsive; it can receive and relax. There is more information in other blogs, here and here, on how to do this. One additional, enjoyable activity to help here is for the woman to have the penis (or a dilator/dildo) inside her, and to slowly and rhythmically draw in and release out with her vagina, breathing in and out as she goes. Breathe in slowly and deeply as you tighten your vagina around the penis, then release the breath out and release the hold with your vagina. This needs to feel smooth and flowing. You can also do this while he is thrusting, starting with slow gentle thrusts - pushing out with the vagina with his inward thrust, inviting him in, then squeezing as he withdraws.

And always remember that there are plenty of other ways to enjoy sexual connection other than intercourse if the penis-in-vagina thing just isn’t working for you at that particular time.

Whether you feel bad about it or good about it, if you’re the lower desire partner (LDP) you have a major impact on how often and how well the two of you have sex. I get at least as many heterosexual couples where the man has the lower level of desire as the woman, so it’s not just “a problem that women have” and in same-sex couples there's always a difference too.

So guys, let’s start with you. If you’re not feeling it, there are some main reasons:

• It’s easier to just masturbate in front of porn. True, but the experience is not the same. Saying “Yes!” to sex with your partner is saying “Yes!” to love and connection and intimacy and a very happy partner!

• If she’s too overbearing, always complaining about the lack of sex. Well, she’s got a point! She’s crying out for intimate connection, so focus on doing good stuff together so that you actually want to be with her.

• Even if she has a higher desire, she never initiates so why should you? The more you show your desire, the more likely she’ll initiate more.

• If you don’t feel good about yourself, don’t take it out on your partner. Get fit, change jobs, give up smoking, take responsibility for your life, and start ravishing her!

Now for the ladies. Why should you say “Yes!” to sex?

• It feels good!

• Your partner will feel closer to you. Men love to connect sexually with their partner.

• You’ll become more in tune with each other, so he’ll get better at asking at the right times, and he’ll get better at doing what you need to get to “Yes!”

• Good regular sex makes you look and feel younger, more vibrant, more vital and sexier. It’s a positive feedback loop.

So to LDPs of any gender I say:

If sex is just too boring to be bothered you need to make some changes. Sex is most definitely not meant to be boring!

We haven’t been blessed with enormous brains as well as bodies riddled with pleasure receptors in order to have boring sex!

Sex is meant to be creative and playful and pleasurable and ever-changing and satisfying.

Make it so!

We’re not brought up to have faith in our bodies these days. Pharmaceutical companies get rich by making us feel our bodies can’t heal themselves; fashion and beauty companies get rich by making us feel our bodies aren’t attractive enough.

While of course modern medicine is a wonderful thing, and looking good is great too, the problem is when we become dependant on these external agencies to make the judgement for us, rather than trusting out body to let us know what it needs.

The more in tune with your body you become the more you can trust it and the freer and more confidant you will feel.

This is essential for quality sex. Sex more than anything else requires you to let go and trust your body to feel and respond.

So you need to train your body in other parts of life to be able to trust itself, so you can bring that empowered connection and intuitive feeling into your lovemaking.

If you’re feeling unwell, tune in to what your body needs rather than automatically taking the painkillers or cold and flu tablets. If you’re depressed or anxious, really check in to what your body is telling you, rather than automatically taking anti-depressants.

If you want to get fit and healthy, trust your body as to the type of activity and intensity of activity that it needs. Don’t assume you have to be in agony to get fit. An intense workout may be more damaging than a long walk in a beautiful setting. To find out which is better - ask your body.

Before you spend a fortune on the latest fashion trend or cosmetic treatment, check in with your body to see if it really will make you look and feel better.

Once you’ve developed this strong body connection and can trust your body, then you’ll know whether the medications or activities or beauty treatments are going to be good for you. There’s nothing wrong with any of these things, they are all beneficial when used well.

As I so often say, it’s not what you do but how you do it. Where is the motivation coming from? If it’s from fear or lack of confidence or blind trust in authorities/media/whatever, then that’s a problem. If it’s a considered and conscious choice, that’s great.

So, back to sex: the more you trust your body, the more in tune with it you become, the better the sexual experience. Men become more connected to their penises, with less angst around ‘performance’, women become more aware of boundaries and improve their ability to let go and enjoy, and both become more able to sync in with each other. You get out of your head and into your body and the whole experience flows.

For people in long-term relationships, chilling out together is generally a prerequisite for good sex.
 
 I always recommend that couples find some time, preferably every day, where you can just hang out and chill together. It only needs to be 15 minutes over a cup of tea or glass of wine when the kids have gone to bed, or similar. You can give each other a foot massage - anything conducive to time to chat in an easy, relaxed way.
 
 When you’re in a good space like this it's also easier to raise the issue of whether you might move into some love-making that evening or not; and if you are open to the idea, what one or both of you might need to get there.
 
 Clients have told me that this one small change to their relating – deciding that sex is no less sexy because it’s a little bit planned - has had a huge impact on their sense of connectedness and therefore on their sex lives.

Now let’s take this a step further and talk about where you have this together time. Of course, you could do it around the kitchen table, you could do it on a balcony or veranda. (Not in front of the TV.) Or you could do it in your bedroom.
 
 I’ve always used my bedroom as a sanctuary, a place to hang and chill, whether I’m in a relationship or not. But from talking to hundreds of people I’ve realized more and more that for many people the 'bedroom as sanctuary' isn’t common, so I’ve been encouraging people to chill out in their bedroom together. Just as I recommend turning your bedroom into a sanctuary in the way it’s decorated and presented, I recommend you actually use your sanctuary – as a place to chill, relax, connect.
 
 Loll around on the bed in your pyjamas with a cup of tea - chat, touch, share. It’s a great way to spend easy, quality time together, and it makes it easier to segue into some delicious sensual and sexual activity. 

If you want a good night out, do you tend to plan it in advance or decide on the spur of the moment? If you’re playing sport, do you have your trainings and matches planned in advance, or do you just play whenever the whim takes you (and hope that everyone else involved is interested and available too)?

I imagine you’d say in both cases that you plan in advance, that you schedule those enjoyable activities.

So why not schedule sex?

• If you know you like a lazy, sensual Sunday morning lie-in, then keep Sunday mornings free.
• If Wednesday is the only day of the week when no-one in the family has evening activities so the kids can go to bed on time and you can have an ‘early night’, then make Wednesday your nooky night.
• If you both have jobs where you’ve got flexibility of time, consider starting late or working from home on a Tuesday and spend some time in the bedroom.
• If you go to the gym together after work on a Thursday and tend to come home feeling aroused, then have sex straightaway and have a late dinner.
• If one of you plays golf on Saturdays and the other gets a day to themselves so the golf-player comes home looking and feeling refreshed and sexy and the other's feeling relaxed and sexy, then make Saturday evening your time for lovemaking.
• Or whatever works in your life.

• You make sure you keep Sunday mornings free, or go straight to the bedroom after gym, or cooperate to get the kids to bed on time so you’re not too tired by the time you get to the bedroom.
• You think about it earlier in the day, so it’s on your mind and you can start to get in the mood. Anticipation can be wonderful for libido.

You might be in the mood…
 
 …but by the time you’ve put the dishwasher on, put out the rubbish, checked on the kids, locked the house, brushed your teeth, got changed and hopped into bed… well, somehow the urge has disappeared.
 
 How do you stay in the mood as you lead-up to sex?
 
 Make the lead-up erotic! 

If the two of you have had a good cup-of-tea (or cup-of-coffee) connection, or gone for a walk, or watched a happy movie together or whatever, and that’s got you both in the mood, then keep that happy banter up as you both do the last-minute chores. Or divide the tasks with a sexy: “Meet you in the bedroom in 20 minutes…first one there lights the candles!”
 
 Either of those approaches will keep the desire bubbling away as you finish the mundane matters of the day, with the anticipation of some delicious pleasures to come.
 
 Then there’s the teeth brushing, the face-washing and the undressing and all that end-of-day body maintenance that needs doing.
 
 Well, if you’re showering, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how to make that erotic - just jump in together! Or one of you watches while the other washes. Or one of you washes the other.
 
 If you prefer a more private night-time toilette, then a sensuous: “I’ll be out in ten, be ready for me…” can keep your partner in delightful anticipation.
 
 Changing into sexy or sensual nightwear is always a good thing. Brushing your teeth while wearing a silk teddy and satin robe does increase the erotic nature of this ordinary act quite considerably. Or watching your partner brush their teeth in the nude can be quite enticing (it’s amazing how the muscles in his back move as he brushes…mmm, mmm).
 
 I always feel it’s a shame to let a good undress go to waste. So, rather than doing it privately or furtively, take your time and let your partner watch. You don’t have to do a fancy striptease; a simple slow reveal can be enough. Better still, just stand there and let your partner take your clothes off for you, piece-by-piece, kissing each new body part as it is revealed…
 
 Do you need to brush your hair before you retire? Let your partner do it for you. Having your hair brushed, even if you have very little, is one of life’s great sensual delights.
 
Finally, don’t get in to bed stay on the bed - it’s much more erotic to be on the bed, kissing and stroking, than to be fumbling around under the covers. You can see each other better, you can feel each other’s bodies more easily, there is room to move, it’s easier to use props whether that’s food or oils or sex toys, and importantly, you’re less likely to be tempted by sleep. Falling asleep mid-foreplay is not erotic.
 
 So, think about what you need to do at the end of the day and get creative turning the mundane into the erotic! 

I’m not sure where I found this, but it’s wonderful advice. It’s pretty much the approach I’ve always followed, and I look pretty good for my age!

• Drink pure water.
• Breathe good air deeply.
• Live in a clean house.
• Good skin comes from a clean body, so make sure to eat foods that purify the body.
• Eat a wide variety of simple foods.
• Sleep at least eight hours a night, and go to bed before 11pm.
• Enjoy nature.
• Stay tranquil and calm, by keeping a relaxed mind.
• By the age of 40, the mind is visible on the face. So improve your outlook and you will improve your face.
• Don’t sit around worrying.
• Control your desires: don’t always want what you can’t have. This unsatisfied-yearning makes a woman ugly.
• Don’t complain, don’t be envious, don’t be irritated. Your health will deteriorate and your skin will look terrible.
• Enjoy lovemaking. You will have glowing shiny skin and a relaxed face.
• Accept your age and the changes in your beauty. A beautiful old person is beautiful because their mind and spirit are wise and graceful.

My clients are all adults, although in some cases it’s hard to believe: they come to me wanting a positive, mature relationship with good sexual relating - yet they act like kids in the playground! They bully, they whine, they play games, they lie, they ignore, they’re rude, they’re insensitive…. And they think that this behaviour will result in mutual sexual desire!?

Name-calling, sarcasm, rudeness, withdrawing, clamming up, insults, aggression, contempt and so forth are not conducive to harmonious relationships. It sounds obvious when you read it here, but are you actually putting it in to practice yourself?

A mature relationship is based on individual confidence and mutual respect. Consider this as love of yourself and love of your partner. The two individuals are confident within themselves, not needy of having their partner agree with them on everything or share identical views, desires and intentions. Coming from this internal strength, they can then relate to their partner with utmost respect.

Respect means two things: to admire someone for their qualities, and more importantly to have due regard for their wishes, feelings and rights.

In a mature, respectful relationship neither party will force their views on the other, or expect their partner to share theirs. They will each respect the other as an individual so their coming together will be from desire and respect, not from need and expectation.

How does this look? For a start, you listen to the other with an open heart. You don’t leap in with defensiveness or accusations. You don’t respond until you are sure they’ve been heard, and you take time, whether it’s a moment or hours, to consider what they’ve said, from your heart, and then respond with love and respect.

You will also be completely honest with your partner. You won’t make assumptions, expect them to mind-read or withhold expressing yourself for fear of their reaction or fear that they won’t like what you say. You will have the personal confidence, and the respect of your partner, to trust that the two of you have the ability to deal with anything that comes up.

A client recently told me that after she opened up and told her husband exactly what she felt about their relationship she felt closer to him than she had in a very long time. As her husband replied when she shared this in session: “yes, and you naturally held your hand out to me afterwards and it was lovely.” She was taken aback that such honesty had been received so well and that it had created a better relationship. It was only because she respected her husband enough to be able to share, and he was strong enough to hear.

It does take work to get to this level of relating. That’s what relationships ideally are for: they hone your skills at being independent while together, being confident and respectful.

If you use your relationship to help you mature in this way, you will leave the playground shenanigans far behind in childhood, where they belong, and enter into a far deeper, more meaningful and genuinely sexier relationship.

This is one of those ‘am I normal’ type questions that I’m always asked. The answer to the question: How often is normal? Is simply: Whatever is right for you.

So the question you should be asking is: How often is right for us?

If neither of you want to ever have sex, that’s fine, because that’s right for you. If you both want to have sex twice a day, terrific! That’s what’s right for you.

Clearly most people are somewhere between those two extremes.

I get some clients who come to see me claiming they’re having too much sex - or at least, the lower desire partner is claiming that their partner wants more than is ‘normal’.

More often though, clients assume they should be having more sex than they are having. They just take it as a given that everyone else is having lots of sex and so they should too. How much sex this ‘ideal’ amount is, is usually pretty vague, and they expect me to tell them.

I’ve noticed that a lot of women assume their partners want sex every day. This is generally because he’d like it more often than they’re having it, or more likely, he’d like better quality than they’re having. But that doesn’t mean every day. I’ve seen so many surprised women hear their partners say just once a week, maybe twice, would be great - especially as she often says the same thing!

A female client once told me that her husband wished she’d want sex every day like I do - except that I don’t! They’d assumed that because I specialize in sex that I must have sex daily, because that’s what they thought was the ‘ideal’ amount of sex. I burst out laughing and then explained that I’m a quality rather than quantity kind of a gal. They were both quite puzzled initially until they ditched this myth. Then we could actually get real and work around what each of them actually wanted, not what they thought they should want.

Even if you would like sex more frequently, there are the realities of life. Hey, I’d like to go to a yoga class every day, but I can’t do that either. If I’m away on holidays, sure - daily yoga and daily sex! Bring it on! But back in the real world, nope.

So have an honest chat with each other about how often you’d really like to have sex, and more importantly what quality of sex you’d like to have. You’ll generally find that the better the quality, the less the higher desire partner will crave it and give the impression that he or she wants it all the time. The more open you are, the easier it is to find the balance that works just for you.