I received a passionate response from a man in relation to my recent blog post: “Feminine Receptivity and the Go-Getter Kind of Girl”: 

"... "And importantly, they don’t ‘do’ anything to catch a man, rather they allow him to prove himself. A woman who is truly in her feminine knows her value and worth, she’s no eager beaver..." And yet a man presumably cannot just know his own value and worth and let women prove themselves to him? Sorry, you do write wonderful articles, but I think I might be saying something that all men feel these days, but don't know how to express.”
 
 He makes a good point, and I agree. That blog was written in response to a specific question about whether strong successful women can be feminine, so was written focusing on women. Let me look at the situation from both points of view.
 
 For so long our society has devalued the feminine and lauded the masculine. Which meant that for centuries we had an overly dominant masculine, one that was very patriarchal, all about control and dominance; and we had an overly weak feminine, one that was pathetic, weak, and dependent.
 
 With the social changes of the 1970s women rightly declared that they were sick of being second-class citizens, they declared they were as good as men and set out to prove that they could be just like men.
 
 This gained women more social equality, which is good, but it did nothing to raise the value of the feminine. What happened was that women bought into the existing patriarchal paradigm of dominant masculine and weak feminine and became like dominant - or more accurately, domineering - men. There was no raising of the value of the feminine, no strengthening of the feminine within women, so that men and women could be equal but different. It became “equal and same” and yet the masculine was still dominant.
 
 Fortunately, there has been a realisation that this situation is neither balanced nor healthy: 

• It is confusing for people.
• It does not allow for positive relationships between men and women.
• It does not allow the beautiful complementarity between the sexes.
• It enhances the “battle” of the sexes.

Men struggle with this, and women struggle with this. Women tend to be either in the dysfunctional masculine role of dominance and feel they have to be cold hard bitches who look down on men and play games with them, or they’re still in the old paradigm of being “feminine” and therefore being weak and pathetic. Men are struggling with being masculine; knowing that the dominant macho approach is unacceptable, so often they retreat into a weak “feminine” role.
 
 Both sexes are confused. Women don’t know how to feel and express their femininity in a strong and powerful way, and men don’t know how to express their masculinity in a strong and powerful way. My work is about enabling people to get to this state of empowerment.
 
 When a woman is balanced in her masculine and feminine, she isn’t a hard bitch scaring the men off, nor is she an eager beaver wanting to please any man just so he will like her. She will be open and receptive to men’s interest without feeling a need to be either disdainful or needy. She’ll take her time to let him show who he is, to see if there is a connection, and once she knows there is a connection, she will know that he is worthy to be chosen by her, only then she will go with him.
 
 When a man is is balanced in his masculine and feminine, he won’t feel he needs to be a macho man who plays with women and uses them, nor will he be a eager beaver, happy to go along with any woman who shows the slightest inkling of interest in him. He will approach a woman with strength and honesty, no game playing, taking his time to get to know her and establish a connection between them. If there is a connection, he will “choose” her and he will want to know that she is choosing him. No game-playing, no neediness, just two equals meeting and allowing each other to connect, and if there is connection, then to take it further.
 
 That is why a man who has a well-rounded masculine will want a choosy woman, a woman who feels he is worthy of her, because that is a woman who is worthy of him. 

I was in session with a wonderful couple recently. Like so many of my clients they really love each other, want to stay together, but the sex has waned to the point of non-existence.
 
 With couples in this situation, there’s normally a lot of ‘undoing’ to be done before they can move forward sexually. They have to overcome the years of complacency and misunderstandings, unvoiced expectations, swallowed hurts, even to be able to come to a place of commonality from where they can stand firm together, hand in hand, looking in the same direction. Then the intimacy, eroticism and true desire can begin! 

But it’s not easy. In fact, it’s hard slog. The path of reconnecting is not for the faint-hearted. You have to be vulnerable, you have to hear what you don’t want to hear, you have to bare your soul. You will feel you’re making progress, and then it will appear to crash in a heap, and you have to pick yourself up and keep going.
 
 The couple I mentioned were experiencing that and were keeping on keeping on. They were feeling a bit despondent about it, until I explained it was a normal part of the process. Then the husband’s eyes lit up and he exclaimed: “This is our Kilimanjaro Walk!”
 
 He went on to explain, that to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, it’s so gruelling, that the only way to make it to the top is to be very present in the now, taking each step one at a time. If you were to try to contemplate the whole journey it would be too overwhelming, and you’d never even try. Keep on keeping on, regardless of stumbles and falls and exhaustion and bewilderment as to why you were crazy enough even to start - and you’ll get there. With this approach you can put up with the difficulties and can appreciate the beauty of the path, you can stop and acknowledge how far you’ve come without being overcome by how far you still have to go, and eventually you will get there.
 
 The path to sexual reconnection - it’s every couple’s Kilimanjaro Walk. 

I was asked recently to comment on the view that too many women in the West are too actively doing things to be able to attract a man, that “if you have a feminine core, your natural essence isn't to pursue, but to be pursued.” The implication in the question was that if you’re out there and active in the world, then you're not 'feminine'.

Completely wrong! There is no contradiction in being feminine and active in the world. That's the patriarchy dressed-up in New Age bullshit. Being in your feminine means to be soft on the outside and strong on the inside, allowing your inner feminine strength to radiate out. Women who are aligned like this are strong, and they do achieve in the world. They don’t necessarily achieve in an aggressive, win-at-all costs kind of way (although there is always a place for stridency), the approach may well be more organic, more “flowing” (as in fact it is for balanced men too).
 
 Importantly, a woman aligned with her feminine doesn’t need to “do” anything to catch a man, rather she allows him to prove himself. A woman who is truly in her feminine knows her value and worth, she’s no eager beaver desperate for any man to like her, or a conniving fox playing games to win over a man. Oh no, she knows who she is, she shows the world who she is, and the right men are attracted to her. Then she can be selective.
 
 Everyone benefits when women are whole and balanced - she feels better, achieves more in the world, has a more positive influence in the world, and attracts and nurtures real, whole men! 

I was asked this question from a man recently:
 
"Recently I asked the folks at "Dear Cupid" a question about the etiquette of when a man may permissibly glance at a woman's breasts. For some reason they found my question "inappropriate to publish." To me given the fact that heterosexual relationships start with a man and women visually interacting with one another that the question of when it is okay to glance at a woman's breasts seems extraordinarily fundamental. Many men don't seem to know that it isn't bad to look because hardly anybody tells them they can. So what is the deal and can't somebody write something on this?"
 
 This was my reply:

Regarding men looking at women's breasts: of course you like it. It's natural!
 
 That's why women evolved breasts, because we walk upright so you see her chest (you don't need obvious breasts to breastfeed a child, other primates don't have them, and very flat-chested women can nurse just fine).
 
 In fact, a study (whose reference escapes me) proved that when men look at women's breasts every day, even photos of breasts, they were much calmer and happier than men who didn't. As to the etiquette of looking at women's breasts - be subtle, no woman wants a man to address her breasts rather than her face when they're talking. If you have a partner, admire her breasts often, and otherwise enjoy the discrete appreciation of the women around you. 

2012 has long been declared the year of change, some seeing it as the end of the world, and others as the end of our old, limited ways of thinking. I’m sure it’s the latter.
 
 I’ve spent my whole life exploring spirituality and consciousness (of which, you well know, I believe sexuality to be an important component). I used to have to do it almost in secret and was considered odd if anyone knew about it. In my undergraduate science degree, I was scoffed at by the lecturers, yet now I’m constantly reading books by scientists and academics on spirituality and science, and the unfolding knowledge around consciousness is so exciting, really bringing together ancient wisdom with modern scientific knowledge.

I do believe the overall consciousness of humanity has reached a level where enough people are of a sufficiently high level that real and lasting positive change can happen here on Earth. More and more I notice people coming to me, knowing there has to be more to sex, somehow intuiting that sex can be an integral part to a life lived on a higher plane of consciousness. That sex can be creative, that making love mindfully enhances life and makes one grow.
 
 And I am so glad that I am in a position to help everyone realise that for themselves!

So much of my work revolves around enabling people to come together with real intimacy. I’m blessed to be able to see this in private sessions and in the workshops and retreats that I run. Seeing couples sharing their love and intimacy so beautifully is an awe-inspiring experience, but it’s also sadly rare in our society. 

It’s not that smooth and easy for all couples though. For very many people intimacy is bewildering and perplexing, and it’s very often extraordinarily confronting to ‘meet’ each other in this way. The barriers have to come down. You have to meet each other with deep, calm, slow tenderness. There needs to be a slow dissolving of the edges. The woman needs to get a place where she can welcome her man into her, invite him to enter. That entering is a place of beauty and relaxation and letting go for the man. She needs to be able to allow that. He needs to be able to hold her so well that she can get to that place, so that he can enter her and the entering becomes a coming together, a merging into unity.
 
 When a couple come together in this way, they are exploring the exquisiteness of the “valleys” of sex - a place where altered consciousness is possible, where you can enter orgasmic states. This is a very different experience to the “peaks” of sex, which is about intense genital stimulation leading to genital orgasm.
 
 I believe that many people lose interest in sex, or become obsessed with sex, because focusing on the “peaks” of sex is not sustainable in the way that a “valley” approach to sex is. Sex that is predominantly genital and orgasm-focused gets empty over time. The women feel like receptacles and the men have performance problems due to the over-focus on the penis. Without the emotional and energetic connection sex becomes just an empty physical act that doesn’t really satisfy either person.
 
 The starting point for real sex, true lovemaking, is tenderness. Tenderness is coming together with softness and strength. Tenderness is deep, calm and beautiful. This is how your love-making needs to be to get to that place of true connection, true yielding and opening to each other. This is where your love-making becomes alchemy, creating a life-enhancing and sustaining energy for each of you.
 
 Tenderness.
 
 Try it.

What is the difference between erotic and sleazy or sordid? What is the difference between when something is positive and life-enhancing sexually and when it’s not, when it detracts from life?
 
 I once had a conversation with my 18-year-old son pointing out that telling ribald jokes in front of his 10-year-old sister is not good. “Oh yeah, but Mum, you’ve got dildos in your office,” he replied, implying: “You’re not one to talk”. I pointed out that the work I do is not about dildos per se, it’s about the energy and the emotion behind its use. So, you can take a dildo and turn it into something smutty and disgusting, something that makes the users feel bad about themselves and sex in general, or you can use it a way which makes them feel good about themselves and sex.

I think this is important, because we're so mired in the Male Adolescent Masturbatory Attitude which prevails in our society. Because we’ve suppressed sex for so long, the type of sex that has grown from the 1970s is based on an immature form of male sexuality, which is much more about overt sleaze and less about the internal erotic.
 
 To me, the erotic is something that is deeply moving. It moves you from within; it’s something that turns you on, makes you desire sex, desire love-making - something that makes you want to open to your partner. The erotic is something that takes you places. This is only possible if it comes from a very positive place, if the emotions and feelings that it generates are deep.
 
 Eroticism is not about limiting sexuality; it’s solely about positive sexually. If that eroticism is simple, great; if it’s wild and wicked, great! The only question is: what is the impact on you as a person, on your personal growth and your relationship growth? Is it something that enhances life?
 
 Don’t avoid or cut things out because you think that they’re bad. It’s not the act that’s bad, only where it’s coming from that might be bad. BDSM, anal sex, same sex, insert-your-choice-of-wrong-sex-even-when-it’s-between-consenting-informed-adults-sex can all come from very positive places - just as mainstream under-the-covers sex can be awful if it’s not generating something good. Obligation sex of any kind falls into the bad category.
 
 It’s so important to tap into our eroticism and allow ourselves to become free and open to the sublime potential of our sexuality.

What is the number one thing that makes a man a great lover?

His sensuality.

Without sensuality, when a man makes love to his partner, there can be no real connection. Without that connection, the sex becomes uninteresting, even a turn-off for the woman, and the sex dies.

With sensuality, a man can be both tender and commanding, that wonderful combination of the Yin and Yang of a man. This enables a woman to be both yielding and strong, that wonderful combination of the Yin and Yang of a woman.

What that simply means is that when a man is in touch with his sensuality he can really connect with his woman. This enables her to let go with trust and with desire. She can truly open herself to him. She feels his desire as strong without being aggressive and she can yield and open herself up to it.

With sensuality a man can enable his partner’s “energy” to heat her up to boiling point, so that her sexual response is powerful and ecstatic - way more than just a physical response to genital stimulation . You see, when a man tunes into his sensuality his skill as a lover goes way past his physical “technique”. It becomes much less about his “doing” than his “being”. He doesn’t become a great lover by “doing” the right thing with clever tricks and techniques, he becomes a great lover by “being” sensual, by being in tune with himself and his partner at all levels of physicality, as well as emotionally, energetically and spiritually.

Becoming a sensual man is not about becoming an insipid New Age Wimp - far from it. To be truly sensual, a man needs to be strong, he needs to be able to hold his woman with exquisite tenderness and take her to magical places. Not that it needs be all soft. A man in tune with the sensuality of connection can get into rough play or BDSM (Bondage, Discipline and Sado-Masochism), but because he is in tune, because he is coming from a sensual place, he holds his partner safe as they together explore these “darker” areas of sexuality.

What’s more, he will be in tune enough to know how far to go.

A sensual man is a complete man, one capable of making extraordinary love with his partner. And the best news of all - a man can become more sensual with age, and thereby become a better lover with age!

To learn to be a great lover, enrol in my online course for men - Black Belt in the Bedroom!

Think about how you use your senses as you make love. Do you use all your senses? Do you engage with the whole of your partner’s body, or just a few bits?
 
 As you become more sensual in your lovemaking, sex becomes less ‘sexual’, focused on ‘getting your rocks off’, and becomes more ‘sensual’, more loving. Although paradoxically, sensuality also feeds sexuality: the more in tune you are with your senses and the more you use them and enjoy the sensual nature of lovemaking, the more intensely you’ll experience sex.
 
 You need to reawaken your senses, to re-engage with life. The sensual realm is the physical realm, but it’s a lot more than just superficial appearances. Embrace the sensual and you’ll connect with your body at a deep level and increase your energy, both of which will heighten your desire for sex and your enjoyment of it.

This shift to sensuality is doubly important when you apply it to your own body image - this is a message particularly important to women. The media brainwashes us to believe that “sexy” equals the type of body that most women only have in their youth, if even then. That’s why I advocate letting go of the “sexy” stuff and embracing the sensual. “Sexy” does have this image of a perfect, young body that’s horny and lusty and ready to go. Not the way most women generally feel.
 
 Now consider the concept of “sensual”. It’s softer, rounder, gentler, full of depth and warmth – rather like the bodies of women! Sex between long-term lovers is like this too, less raunchy and a whole lot more loving and gorgeous (not to imply that it can’t be incredibly raunchy too, it just doesn’t have to conform to raunchy stereotypes). It’s the type of sex you can only have with a long-term partner, and the type of sex you can only have if you appreciate your gorgeous, sensual body.
 
 You’re not going to absorb this message from the mass media, so you’re going to have make the mind-shift yourself. Think sensual: 

• Think sensual in the shower: rub soap over yourself and love the softness and the roundness; 
• Think sensual as you move through the day: feel your hips swaying, your breasts moving (picture how full-figured African or Latin American women move, it’s poetry); 
• Think sensual as your partner caresses your curves; 
• Think sensual as you caress your own curves when you make love. 

 Loving your body is a challenge for most people, men as well as women, and the challenge is harder as we age and become less like the media-generated idealised image of sexy. But if you can let go of that unrealistic ideal and embrace your body for what it is in all its sensuous gorgeousness, you will in fact feel sexy, naturally sexy, just as you are. 

I'm often asked what's the difference between sex therapy and coaching, and where Tantra fits in.
 
 In a nutshell, Sex Therapy fixes sexual dysfunctions to make people sexually functional. Sex and Relationship Coaching, takes functional people and makes them exceptional. As I do both, I can help you fix the problems, and then take you beyond - far beyond - into the realm of exceptional! That's where the Tantra comes in. 

What is Sex Therapy? 
 Sex Therapy is a modality of sexual healing to help people with sexual dysfunctions become sexually functional. This involves addressing the psychological barriers to sexual health and well-being as well as providing sexual education and correction of limiting or false beliefs around sex and sexuality. Once healing has occurred, Sex Coaching can then take the individual or client to greater sexual awareness and fulfillment.
 
What is Sex Coaching? 
 Sex Coaching is pathway for sexual growth. Sex Coaching is a client-focused approach that works with sexually functional individuals and couples to enable them to deepen and expand their experience of sex, love and intimacy. Depending on the needs of the client, it may include ancient and esoteric teachings (see Tantra Teaching), sex education and instruction. The Coach helps the client to discover and enhance their own eroticism to create a love life that is one of ongoing growth and fulfillment.
 
What is Relationship Coaching? 
 Relationship coaching is a professional client-focused service where an essentially functional individual or couple is guided to create their desired relationship with effective support and information. The Coach enables the client(s) to become clear about their needs, hopes and desires, and to develop understandings and strategies to achieve these in a mutually supportive way. While past hurts and history may be addressed, the focus is more on moving forward, with the aim of enabling ongoing personal and relationship growth.
 
What is Tantra Teaching? 
 Tantra is a spiritual and energetic approach to sex and life that comes from ancient India. Along with the Taoists of China and Qidosha from North America, these approaches to sex, love and intimacy are much broader and deeper than conventional western understandings. Through practices that include breathing, mindfulness, moving energy and sensual touch, you will learn to connect with your partner is a way that is real, deep, erotic, poetic and intensely beautiful. Tantra sessions do not involve nudity or intimate touch - that’s the homework!