There is nothing more fundamental to a good relationship, and therefore to a good sex life, than communication.
 
 It is absolutely, categorically, completely, and utterly vital.
 
 It would be nice to think that after years together you might have developed an “unspoken understanding” but don’t count on it. The number of times I’ve heard clients complain about their partners, and when I ask: “Have you told them?”, the answer is along the lines of: “No/There’s no point/They should know” and so forth.
 
 Unfortunately, it’s a sad fact but true - humans are not mind readers. You do have to speak to each other. And that also means listening to each other. And clarifying that this speaking and listening has in fact resulted in mutual understanding.
 
 Communication is an art.
 
 So practice. 

Speak 
 
 Because humans aren’t mind readers, we do have to speak to each other to communicate what we feel and want. Of course, body language and gesture are elements of communication too. But it’s the faculty of speech that has enabled us to come down out of the trees and become such a successful species. It was speech that enabled early humans to cooperate and progress. It’s still just as important in modern society, particularly in the most fundamental human grouping of all, the family.
 
 You can’t just “expect” your partner to know what you want. Even if you think they should (that dreadful word again). Just because something is blindingly obvious to you, doesn’t mean it’s blindingly obvious to your partner. You can’t assume anything. You have to speak so you are both clear about what’s going on. Whether it’s logistical matters or something more emotional, you must speak. Silence does not achieve anything.
 
 But neither does nastiness. You do want your partner to listen to what you say, and they’re not going to if you’re sarcastic and condescending, if you appear to be blaming them, or if are judging them and finding them wanting. At best they’ll just tune out and ignore you; at worst they will become defensive, and once the listener becomes defensive, you’ve lost them. You might even have a full-scale fight on your hands.
 
 It doesn’t matter how correct or right your content is, if it’s presented in a negative tone, your partner will respond to the tone rather than the content. And that is not going to get you the result you want.
 
 You have to speak respectfully to each other. I don’t mean formally, I simply mean: appreciating the other person’s point of view, respecting that none of us is perfect, that we may not be making ourselves clear despite our best intentions, and that the listener is not ‘wrong’. Speak clearly, factually, and honestly. And keep it light, practice using humor to get your point across. Gentle, light-hearted ribbing is much more effective than outright criticism: 

“Darling, I appreciate the fact that you admire me so much you think I can read your mind, but I am a mere mortal, and really need you to write it down if we’ve run out of mustard.” 

This, said with a smile, not with sarcasm, is much more effective than: 

“How the hell am I supposed to know we’ve run out of mustard if you don’t tell me!” 

 What you say is one part of the communication process, and of course it’s a very important part. But it’s what they understand that counts. So even if you think you have been clear and succinct and got your message across well, you still have to make sure your partner understands what you’re saying. So much misunderstanding occurs when one person thinks they understand what the other is saying but doesn’t. And then blame starts happening - “I told you …” and “No, you didn’t, you said …”, “No I didn’t, you weren’t listening…”, etc., etc.
 
 Well, chances are you did say, and your partner was listening, but for whatever reason, mutual understanding didn’t occur. So, check to make sure.
 
Listen 
 
 Listening is obviously just as important as speaking, and the skill is similar. Listen without judgment, with respect for the other person’s feelings and opinions.
 
 And if your partner is bringing up something about you, make sure you don’t immediately become defensive. If there’s something that’s troubling your partner, listen carefully and objectively, even if their trouble is you, so that you can understand their issue and that way do something about it.
 
 And even if they’re not doing a very good job of communicating, if they do seem to be blaming you, or if they’re being cutting and sarcastic, there’s no need for you to take it personally (hard as that may be). Do try to stay calm and objective so that you can get to the heart of the issue, rather than letting it get emotional and escalate out of hand.
 
 Sometimes your partner will just want to let off a bit of steam, to express how they’re feeling. You don’t necessarily have to solve the problem; sometimes just sympathetic listening is enough. But if a solution is required, then work towards it.
 
 And be sure that you have understood what they’re saying by repeating back what you think they’re conveying. Don’t assume you understand what they’re saying even if you’ve listened well. Some things are difficult to convey, and some people just aren’t very good at expressing themselves. 

So, practice practice practice your communication.

Self-help books, women’s magazines and traditional therapists extol the virtues of intimacy as the way to improve your relationship and therefore have better sex.  
 
 The two key aspects to this intimacy are:
 
 1) To become more connected by spending more time together, and
 
 2) To communicate (by speaking) every little thing about yourself, and conversely listening wondrously in rapt attention agreeing in perfect accord with every utterance.
 
 Which would imply most of us haven’t got a snowflake’s chance in hell of having a decent sex life… 

Fear not. You can breathe a sigh of relief because this means that in fact you will avoid that stifling arrangement of co-dependent “intimacy” we too often think is the prerequisite for “happily ever after”.
 
 Now certainly intimacy does require connection and communication; but it’s the “how”, the “what” and the “how much” that matters.
 
 Let’s look at the two fundamental aspects of intimacy - connection and communication - debunk a few myths and look at what really matters.
 
 Connection: Supposedly we need to have lots of quality time together to feel intimate. But in fact you don’t have to even be physically near each other to feel connected. Especially in this digital age there are myriad ways to connect without being physically present. Even when you are together, it doesn’t have to be “quality” time - the time that is spent highly focused on each other, more of that rapt attention stuff. Just spending time together in an unfocused hanging-out kind of way can actually be a better way of enjoying each other’s company than high intensity time together. (How often have you seen couples in restaurants eating without speaking? Not a lot of intimate connection going on there. They’d be better off doing the gardening together or going for a walk where there is more distraction, less intensity and surprisingly more ease of connection).
 
 We’re also supposed to improve our ‘connection’ by sharing common interests and learning to enjoy those that aren’t in common. Well, that’s not necessary either. While it’s good to have some interests in common, you don’t have to have everything in common, and there’s no onus on you to learn to like those that aren’t. There’s nothing wrong with having different interests, it doesn’t mean you’re not suited to each other, it doesn’t mean that you’re not close. It’s quite the opposite in fact. Maintaining connection in the face of difference is bonding if you respect and appreciate the difference.
 
 This can be intimidating for some people though. They fear that sense of separateness. They fear that if they’re not fused together that they could lose the other person. These people become jealous and fiercely attached to their partner. Any sense of flirting is felt as potential or actual infidelity and is the hovering angel of death to the relationship. In that atmosphere there is no trust, only a desperate clinging. This is not true intimacy.
 
 It’s also intimidating because of the threat of rejection. If your partner is different to you then they may not agree with you and that can be a frightening thing. It’s scary to know that the person whose opinion you value the most and whose agreement you crave might reject your thought or action or opinion.
 Shock!
 Horror!
 Difference of opinion might cause disharmony, and we all know that the “perfect relationship” is harmonious.
 
 It might be, but not through fear of difference, only through appreciation of difference can you get anywhere near a “perfect relationship”. If you’re holding yourself back and not expressing your true self, not living with a sense of integrity, because you fear your partner’s disapproval and crave their validation, then you are not being truly intimate.
 
 When you interact like this you cannot have good communication, that quality that the self-help gurus so love to promote. Look, of course communication is essential, it’s how it’s done that matters. Too often “communication” is equated with “talking”, whereas communication comes through so many ways, not just through talk. Even considering the verbal aspect, we still communicate more through tone of voice and body posture than through any actual words (which is why arguing never works because the arguers are reacting to the tone not the content). But communication also occurs through touch, looks, through silence, through action, and definitely through that action that most concerns us here - sex. In fact when a couple have truly intimate sex they might in fact be communicating their inner beings far more profoundly than any conversation could ever do.
 
 Receiving the content of the communication is also crucial to effectively conveying meaning. But what does “receiving content” mean and how are you expected to respond? When the communication is spoken, listening openly to the other person is important, but it doesn’t have to be in rapt wonderment, affirming every utterance in mutual accord. Listen with respect, certainly, but don’t feel under any pressure to agree.
 
 Just as importantly, being open to communication in non-verbal ways is essential to true intimacy, you can’t just expect to get by on verbal cues alone. Your partner expresses feelings and thoughts constantly, in actions, gestures, moods, silences, and of course, in making love with true intimacy.
 
 Even being open to this type of communication requires true intimacy, because it requires you to show your real self without needing validation from the other person, and without feeling that you have to give it to the other person. True intimacy is not expressed through jealousy, fear or anxiety.
 
 True intimacy requires integrity of your self. You need to show yourself and be seen. To do that you need separation, difference, distance, a sense of “other”.
 
 This is essential for good relationship, and it is essential for good sex. Why?
 
 Because only with true intimacy can you express your sexuality without fear of rejection or displeasure by your partner. It’s only when you can truly know and express your eroticism that you can enjoy the other key element to extraordinary sex: erotic tension. 

I’m going to share a little about myself here, to give you some insight into why and how I work the way I do.

  A number of years ago I realised that my experience of sex was very different to most people’s. Extended sessions of love-making, multiple (or shouldI say endless) orgasms, ecstatic states of altered consciousness were the norm, even with small children and babies, years into a relationship.

 At first I thought it was something special about my husband and I, but after our marriage ended I discovered that, nope, it was me. I went through what I call my ‘research’ period, investigating sex with a range of different partners and the response was pretty similar: “Wow, that was different”, “You really like sex don’t you”, “You need to teach this to people!”

So I set out to find out why I was different. That led me to find out more about Tantra, and I realised that although I’d never studied it formally, my years of martial arts experience, decades of yoga, meditation and mindfulness had led me to experience sex, and probably life, in a very pure, present and energetic way. Which is when I realised my true calling – to tune modern people back into the real nature and value of sex. Most people don’t have the faintest idea of our sexual potential and what the whole sex thing is about. There’s a sense that there’s got to be ‘more’, but not much guidance on how.

 I realised that of course not everyone has the time or interest to spend decades in the types of spiritual discipline I’ve followed – so my challenge has been how to get to the core of it all so as to enable busy modern people to understand and feel the essence of real sex.

 That’s where Tantra comes in. It’s a spiritual and energetic approach to sex and life that comes from ancient India. There are many other cultures that took sex seriously and studied it as an Art and as a Science – the Taoists of China and Qidosha from North America are two other well-known ones (actually, virtually any society other than Western society). These approaches to sex are much broader and deeper than that of the West, which tends to be either sleazy, prudish or clinical. Real sex is deep and erotic and poetic and intense and beautiful and bizarre, and is whatever it is at that time and at that place…

 So, back to me. I have the extraordinary privilege of spending much of my time talking to people at the most intimate level about their lives and particularly about their sex lives. So I know what’s really going on in the bedrooms of the world, I’m at the coal face so to speak. I have a pretty good idea of what people are thinking and feeling, where they're getting it wrong and the type of guidance and learning they need to find fulfillment, meaning and satisfaction in love and life. We can talk about this to some extent, and through the talking enable some pretty major changes. But talking, however inspiring, can only go so far. You have to feel it.

 Which is why I’ve taken the core concepts of all these traditions, which these days all tend to go under the general title of 'Tantra', and present them in a way that’s understandable and accessible to modern people. Sometimes these are activities that are commonly known from Tantra, sometimes they’re taken from other relevant experiences I’ve had, and quite often I’ll meditate on an issue and an activity will be virtually ‘downloaded’ into my mind. (Then I practice on my partner to see if it works – he’s so obliging!)

 That’s what my Tantric workshops are all about: getting in touch with the energy of sex through presence, then expressing it in a very real way. It’s different, and it’s life-changing. It’s not for the faint-hearted – swallow this little blue pill and there aint no turning back! (to quote The Matrix) But the reality on the other side of looking glass…Awesome.

 Well, that was sharing more of myself than I usually feel comfortable doing. But, hey, if I'm asking you to push your boundaries, I have to push some of mine!

We tend to get into habits with sex, and one habit that is so widespread is having sex last thing at night.
 
 Why is that? It’s the time when most people are the most tired and the least likely to want or to enjoy sex! 

One thing I encourage people to do is to think outside the square in all aspects of sex, and one of those is in the timing.
 
 Sex doesn’t have to be the last thing you do at night; it doesn’t even have to be in the evening. Having sex before dinner can be great! Think of it as entrée, rather than the traditional dessert.
 
 Of course, that doesn’t suit everyone’s routines, but you might be surprised at how flexible your timing can be. I remember when my third child was a baby and for a while there I was just waaaaaaaaaay too tired to manage sex in the evenings. I’ve never been a morning person anyway, unless it’s a long lazy Sunday lie-in. So, my then husband and I decided that the only way we were going to have sex was if he came home for “lunch” on Tuesdays. That worked really well and got us through a pretty exhausting phase of our lives.
 
 Quite a number of my clients find that changing the time they have sex makes a big difference. For those without kids in the house, the sex before dinner concept is very possible and very desirable. For those who can’t manage it that early, at least doing it as early as possible, generally in place of the TV veg-out session. Think about what you’re doing! Watching three hours of gruesome cop shows is generally not a good warm-up for sex! You can always get up and do other things after you make love. You don’t have to go to sleep after sex. You certainly don’t both have to go to sleep after sex, the tired one can drift off and the other can get up and do stuff.
 
 There are no set rules around sex, particularly the timing. Have a good talk with your partner and figure out when the best times are for both of you.
 
 Sex doesn’t have to be the after dinner “dessert”. Too often it’s so late and so unappealing it becomes a habitual late-night snack that doesn’t satisfy anyone particularly, if you can even be bothered. So, try it for entrée. Try it for lunch. Try it for a morning pick-me-up. Try it for a lazy Sunday breakfast in bed while the kids are conveniently watching cartoons!
 
 There are no rules! 

The masculine sexual energy is like fire: it comes on quickly, burns brightly and extinguishes quickly.
 
 The feminine sexual energy is like water: it’s slow to heat up, but once it’s boiling it will boil and boil and boil and boil…
 
 So if we divide sex into two phases, desire and response, then the masculine has more energy in the desire phase and the feminine has more energy in the response phase.
 
 This is why men generally tend to have a stronger libido, and why women have a greater range and intensity of arousal and orgasmic response.
 
 Ideally in the sexual act, the man will use his fire energy to heat up the woman’s water energy. She’ll reach heights of arousal and ecstasy that will make him feel absolutely fantastic because he’s the one who got her there. He’ll probably have an orgasm too, but his satisfaction is ultimately in the pleasure he’s given her. The release of all her sexual energy satisfies and nourishes him completely. In this way the sexual circuit is complete and sex is a wonderfully fulfilling, healing, liberating and bonding experience for both of them.
 
 We do have both masculine and feminine energies within us and a well-rounded person will have a reasonably good balance within them. There are also some people whose energy is more the opposite than their own gender. But for most people men tend to have a fire-like sexual energy and women tend to have a water-like sexual energy.
 
 This is why men’s libido can suddenly arise out of nowhere. He can get an erection with very little or no stimulation, he just feels horny. This is the fire energy that simply ‘switches on’. Given that a man’s body is more testosterone driven, this makes sense.
 
 Whereas it’s pretty rare for a woman to suddenly feel horny out of the blue. Women don’t go “oh gosh, I’m lubricating, I must want sex.” Rather, a woman’s desire is contextual, it depends on how she’s feeling, how she’s getting on with her partner if she has one, what kind of environment she’s in. All these factors will affect the temperature of her water energy.
 
 As I wrote recently, when a woman has a high libido, it’s not because she has a masculine fire energy, it’s because she keeps her water energy simmering. She lives in a way that makes her feel good about herself, she avoids getting too tired, and together with her partner they actively work on keeping their connection strong and making the time and place for sex. This is what keeps a women’s water energy warm. The warmer her water energy is on a day to day basis, the more open and receptive to sex she is. The colder her water energy is, the more effort is required to heat it, and some women have sexual energy that is frozen hard, tundra even!
 
 It does work both ways. There are plenty of men who find that their fire energy isn’t igniting, and there are many reasons for this, which I will write about in another post.
 
 When two people come together as lovers, whether it’s for a brief encounter or a lifetime, when her water energy is good and warm and his fire energy is switching on efficiently, then there’s a meeting between them. His desire is neither too needy nor too apathetic and her interest is neither too conditional nor too stifling. Rather, there’s an easy balance and fluidity between his desire and her openness to meet him, which takes them both to wonderful places. 

While men's sexual energy tends to be like fire, it comes on quickly, burns brightly and extinguishes quickly, women's sexual energy tends to be like water: it takes longer to warm up, but once it’s hot it will boil and boil and boil…

The warmer a woman’s 'water' energy is, the more open and ready she is for sex. If she enters the sex act with icy cold-water energy, even frozen, then it’s going to take an awful lot of work to warm it up. She’ll either be averse to having sex or it will take so long to heat her up that one or both of them will give up before she gets anywhere, or she'll engage even though sh'es not ready and won't enjoy the experience.

So the common scenario of a busy modern couple, hard at work all day, occupied with kids/housework/work brought home/etc in the evening and/or vegetating in front of the TV for hours watching people being murdered and cut up on mortuary tables, getting into bed late at night and then thinking about sex…. Well, it’s not surprising that she’s not interested; her water energy is stone cold. (In fact, this scenario also causes many men to be unable to ignite their fire energy, but that’s another story.)

My feeling is that when women have high libidos, it’s not because they have masculine fire energy, it’s because they keep their water energy simmering. (Although there are some people who have predominantly the opposite sexual energy.) What “keeping her water energy simmering” means is that a woman and her partner do things to keep her open and interested in sex.

Too many people think high libido means having lots of spontaneous lust, always being ready and gagging for it. That can happen, but if you're waiting for two people to have the lust descend at the same time, you could be waiting a long time...

In the early days of a relationship women do generally feel more desirous. This is simply because all the conditions are there to keep her water energy on the boil! There’s so much anticipation, always thinking about her new partner, they're on their best behaviour, treating each other well, they pay attention to the way they look, what they say, what they do. It's so exciting!

But as time passes, they get complacent. There’s no anticipation, there’s no going out of their way to make themselves special to the other. There's nothing 'heating up' the woman's water energy (and often not much flicking the switch for the man's fire energy).

A woman’s desire tends to be contextual, it’s not simply a biological urge. It depends enormously on how she feels and what’s going on around her.

What a woman needs to “keep her water simmering” is fourfold:

• She can’t be too tired. Fatigue kills a woman’s ability to get in the mood.
• She needs to be in a pleasant environment, somewhere that makes her feel warm, safe and sensual.
• She needs to be feeling good about herself, attractive and desirable and
• She needs to be getting on well with her partner.

Some of these elements she can focus on herself, and others depend on the interaction between her and her partner.

The good news is that it’s a positive feedback loop - the more these four elements are improved, the better the sexual desire and the better the sexual response, and therefore the more life improves and the sex improves!

I often find that people are surprised at the breadth of sexuality I encourage. As with so much of our society, we tend to categorize and label others and ourselves. What I do can’t be labeled in this way. I’m not just ‘tantric’ or ‘kinky’ or ‘raunchy’ or ‘clinical’ or whatever – I’m all of them, and more.
 
I believe in the full range of sexual expression, as long as it comes from a place that is real. 
 
 For me that’s the only issue. Are you being real, and are you allowing expression of your true self? I don’t believe there is any right or wrong when it comes to sex, as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans, as long as it’s life enhancing.
 
 So the tantric types get a shock in my workshops when I bring out the bondage ropes; those who embrace raunch culture find the softness disconcerting; the kinky types wonder if all this talk about love isn’t a bit vanilla; and the clinical types find the fun and naughtiness rather perplexing.
 
 But it’s all good! Tantric bondage, soft raunch, loving kink, are all real expressions of possibility. 

I must admit I sometimes wish I could classify myself more specifically. It would be easier to explain what I do. But I can’t, I love the Tantric and Taoist approaches to sex, I think raunch and kink are valid, I believe that knowledge of anatomy and physiology and sexual technique are important, I believe that deep examination of one’s psychology and self-knowledge are crucial.
 
 But you know what I think is the most important of all when it comes to sex?
 
 Fun!
 
 Yes, sex is playtime for grown-ups. Or to paraphrase Oscar Wilde: “Sex is far too important to be taken seriously.”
 
 Why do people take sex so seriously? Given that we’re given no training whatsoever, people have a rather ludicrous expectation that it will be smooth and no-one would ever make a mistake; that it would be embarrassing if we did something wrong or something our partner didn’t respond favorably to.
 
 And we have nothing to compare our ‘performance’ with!
 
 All we have to compare ourselves to is previous experience, or porn, which is fake or what other people have to say, which is probably also fake.
 
 So there is no ‘normal’, or anything that we really should or shouldn’t be doing.
 All we’ve got is each other’s bodies and a trillion odd brain cells to be creative with! That means, play time!
 
 The less pressure you put on yourselves to get it right, the more freedom you have to experiment and be creative. And if it doesn’t work – have a laugh about it!
 
 Personally I think that if there isn’t a good bout of laughing at some stage during the sex act, it can’t be good sex. A good lasting orgasm will often result in a full-on burst of uncontrollable laughter. We all know that sex is good for our health, so is laughter, so playful sex has got to be the best of all.
 
 Watch how children let loose in the playground, and do the same in your own sexual playground. 

I was giving a talk to a large group of women at a Melbourne Cup lunch this week (wearing a fabulous hat of course). Since they were pretty much all married with kids, the discussion was primarily around how to keep up a good sex life in a long-term relationship, particularly when you’ve got babies and children. 

Next week I’m giving a similar talk in Newcastle on how to have a good sex life once kids come along.

One of the key messages is that you need to prioritize sex. You need to accept it as an important part of your relationship and then work on it. It’s like anything in life: it doesn’t just happen.

If you want to be healthy you have to focus on your health and work on it.

If you want to be wealthy you have to focus on wealth and work on it.

And if you want a good loving, healthy and rewarding sexual relationship you have to focus on it and work on it too.

Too often couples come to see me too late. “If only we’d come to see you a year ago!” they bemoan. An all-too-common question is: “Can you revive a flagging sex life?” Well, if there was once the flame of passion and the embers are still burning, however faintly, then yes, it’s possible.

So how do you fan the embers so that they burst into flame again? Private sessions with a good sex therapist can help. Workshops – the right workshops - can help too.

But an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cures, as they say, so it’s better to keep fanning the fire before it burns so low that it’s almost out.

Just like a great building can be made of countless tiny, small bricks, a great sex life is made up of countless tiny, small moments – things that you might not even think of as being sexual. A small touch, a smile, a tender gaze, a small service, a small gift a tiny word of kindness …

The list goes on and on …

There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is being subjected to low-level trauma. She will feel resentful, irritated, frustrated, used (sound familiar?). When a woman feels like this it goes inward, so she feels bad about herself and life in general; all because she’s ‘just doing it’ and putting out because for some reason she thinks she ‘should’.

Say ‘no’ to obligation sex and say ‘yes’ to desired sex, sex that is good for your vagina and good for you!

I am bravely, perhaps fool-hardedly, but definitely doggedly running a Black Belt in the Bedroom seminar on Monday evening.

Why do I say doggedly? Because men are so bloody hard to get to a workshop on sex!

I just got an email from a participant (who’s coming back for the second time) about trying to persuade his mates to attend. He started it by saying: “So Jacqueline, I now have a new-found respect for what it is you do,” because they all said to him: “I’m already a black belt in the bedroom” (although he has persuaded four of them to come along).

The fact is guys, you’re not black belts in the bedroom. Even if you are pretty amazing in the sack, there’s always more to learn. I’ve taught Tantric masters stuff they didn’t know, so believe me, there’s always more.

It is a bit of a male thing not to ask for help (or directions!), but if it’s important enough to you, you will. It’s actually a sign of a master of any skill or sport or art: they keep learning, practicing, experimenting, researching. It’s the same with sex.

In case you need more convincing, I’ve devised this little quiz for you. If you can answer ‘yes’ to every single questions, then you’re a black belt. If not, come along on Monday…

1. Can you make love to the same woman a thousand times and find it ever more wonderful?
2. Can you ejaculate when you choose to?
3. Can you come too soon and not be fazed about it?
4. Can you have awesome sex without orgasm?
5. Can you absorb the energy from a beautiful woman without feeling you want to have sex with her?
6. Can you feel the sexual power of all women?
7. Do you know that sex is about pleasure not orgasm?
8. Do you realise that porn is what looks good not what feels good?
9. Can you luxuriate in the valleys of sex as well as revel in the peaks?
10. Can you be so present with your partner that you can bring her to a state of orgasm? Can you do this without genital stimulation? Can you do this without touching her?
11. Do you know that foreplay never ends?
12. Do you know that the true master of sex never stops learning?

So how did you go? Will I see you on Monday…?


You can also do my online course for men: