I was reading the paper this morning and there was a multi-page feature on the Sydney Food Festival that’s coming up. All over the city there will be parties and workshops and markets and you name it, celebrating our love of food and the diversity of food. It’s a true gourmet’s feast, nothing gluttonous about the festival organiser’s approach, it’s about the joy and fun and the pleasure of food.
 
  It got me thinking about how wonderful it would be if we could celebrate sexuality in the same way, really celebrate the diversity and depth and wonder of sex. 

There are some celebrations of sexuality, one is the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, which is wonderful, but obviously focused on queer sexuality, and because of that it does have a certain edginess to the celebrations – all fabulous, but doesn’t cover the full spread of sexuality.
 
  This coming weekend there’s the first ever fetish conference, The Gathering, with workshops and parties. Great stuff, but again, limited to those interested in the fetish scene.
 
  The Tantric side of sex doesn’t have a festival as such, but there are plenty of workshops around (including my own, hint, hint).
 
  Then there’s Sexpo, which is great, but tends to celebrate the raunchier, dare I say, sleazier side of sex. Oddly enough I just had the Sexpo PR person ring me up to ask if I wanted to be involved, so we just had a great chat about how wonderful it would be Sexpo celebrated a broader approach to sexuality. Well, if I’m involved, maybe it will…
 
  I mean wouldn’t it be great if there were workshops and parades in a broad range celebration of sex, so in addition to the Gay & Lesbian, Fetish, Tantric and Raunch (a la Sexpo) stuff already out there, there was in addition, for example: “Monogamous and Loving It” “Yummy Mummies Having Yummy Sex” “Getting Older Getting Lustier” “Different Types of Orgasms and How to Have Them” “Expanding Your Sexual Play for Committed Couples” “Incorporating Food into Sexual Play” “Heightening Sensual Pleasures” “Differently Abled People Having Differently Pleasured Sex” “Lusciousness for All”.
 
  Wouldn’t it be great it everyone could celebrate their sexuality, no matter what it was.
 
  Yes, I have a dream…
 
  Maybe we are getting there, the fact that there is a growing range of sexual celebrations, and some of them are coinciding at a similar time, Spring, means that society is opening up. There’s hope for us yet.

Three things a (hetero) man needs to come into a positive, balanced masculinity:

1) Self-worth Through Purpose 
 
 It’s critical for a man to have a clear sense of purpose in his life. I so often see men having relationship and sexual problems because in part because they don’t have a strong sense of purpose. This leads to a dependence on being satisfied from his partner, manifesting as an unattractive neediness (a self-aware woman will not find neediness appealing). Or it will lower his sense of self-worth, creating a wimpish energy causing his partner to be too strong and controlling, just to survive. Other men do the opposite, feeling a lack of purpose and therefore a lack of self-worth in themselves, they make up for it by becoming dominant and aggressive.
 
 A man who is centered and in purpose will move purposefully through life, not needy of validation by others, less blown around by the whims of others, less given to maudlin self-doubt, and less prone to denial covered by aggression.
 
 2) Communion with Other Men 
 
 Men need other men. Not necessarily in the sitting around drinking cups of tea and chatting way that women tend to do - although they can. Generally, men will more “do” things together; tinker in the shed, throw a ball around, go sailing, fishing, motorbike riding, play war games. It may or may not involve much talking, that doesn’t matter. It’s being with other men, what I call “communing” with other men that matters.
 
 3) Union with his Beloved 
 
After talking so intimately with so many men, I believe that men are actually more emotional about sex than women are. Sex is so much more than just a 'release', which can be dealt with through masturbation, Men need sex with their beloved to connect with her, to feel her, to know the deepest, most real side of her. They crave union with her. A man who has this connection will feel so much more satisfied with himself and his life.
 
 But to achieve this is not easy. Too many men go straight to looking to sex to give them fulfillment, without working on self-worth through purpose, or male communion. But without these first two ways of fulfilling himself he won’t be the type of man that allows for true union and therefore allow for more powerfully satisfying sex. The more purposeful in himself and the more in communion with other men that a man is, the better able he will be to be the centered, open man required to enable his partner to be open and centered, and through that have powerfully connected and erotic sex.
 

We undervalue the feminine principle in our society, and I believe we get the masculine principle just as wrong.
 
 Since we’ve had a few thousand years of not valuing the feminine, in place we’ve had an unnatural, overly arrogant masculine - a masculine principle that is more defined by the ability to dominate and control than one that is defined by true strength and openness.

So there has been a complete imbalance in society with a weak feminine principle and dominant masculine one. With the social changes that our society has undergone over the past few decades, many people are changing their attitudes and approaches to living. Nowadays many women have rejected the weak feminine and have instead adopted masculine traits without honouring and expressing their innate feminine power. And many men these days have also rejected the dominant and negative masculine but are unfortunately instead embracing an overly soft and, let’s face it, fairly insipid, Sensitive New Age Wimp energy. 

So many people are confused by how they “should” be, and I believe this is because we have polarised the masculine and feminine so strongly. No woman wants to be a pathetic doormat, but is the only alternative to be an arrogant domineering male clone? No self-aware man wants to be a macho shit, but is the only alternative to be Sensitive New Age Wimp? 

Not at all. 

But it is only when we understand the masculine and feminine energies as equal complements, Yin and Yang, that we can embrace both of them within ourselves, and through that personal expression go on to actualize more balanced energies in our society.  Both the “feminine” Yin and the “masculine” Yang are strong, both are soft, both protect, both nurture. But the essence of each is different. That is what every man and every woman has to find within himself or herself to become whole. 

So many of my female clients complain that their man is not a man, and so many of my male clients confess that they don’t really know what it is to be a man. Well, whatever our gender, we need to have a balance of the yin and the yang, the masculine and the feminine. So for a man, yes, he can go off and fight dragons and save damsels in distress, but equally he will come home and honour his woman, write her poetry, bring her gifts and love and adore her. In this way she knows she can depend on him, yet he also opens himself to her, lets her inside. In doing this, he allows her to let go and show her real self too. 

If he is too much the wimp, she’ll have to do the holding herself, and won’t be able to let go. If he’s too much the macho shit, she won’t be able to get inside him and they’ll stay disconnected. 

There are variations of dynamics I see between men and women all the time. But once the man gets it, and the woman gets it, then magic starts happening. 

Particularly sexually.

Everyone has masculine and feminine in them. I prefer to use the terms Yin and Yang, as we have so much unhelpful meaning attached to the terms masculine and feminine. Well-developed people have a pretty good balance of both within themselves, they have both strength and softness, can protect and nurture. If we reject one, thinking the other is somehow better, we reject a major aspect of ourselves. When we reject our feminine side we become dominant and controlling, and when we reject our masculine side we become weak and dependent.

How can women embody this balance? How can we be empowered women, embracing our yin and our yang, our masculine and our feminine?  A concept I share, which a lot of women have said has been very helpful to them, is to think of  having our yin softness on the outside and yang strength on the inside. So you can trust your inner strength to allow the outer softness, your strength emanates out through softness. This is is so different to the way women had to be under the patriarchal systems that ruled for millenia, where women couldn't show their strength, and it's also different from what a lot of modern women do, where they create a false strength, a false yang,y on the outside, which is tiring to sustain, is brittle, and prevents their true power from being expressed.

So much of my work with women is essentially around this. It sounds esoteric, but once you get it, it makes such a difference at so many levels.

I want to stress that I am NOT talking about women being soft and weak and pathetic. That some people might think that’s what I’m talking about is just proof that our society devalues the feminine. It is strong to be soft. We need more of the feminine in this society. I cannot stress enough that both men and women need to embrace their feminine essence.

Then, with this internal balance, fully empowered, there is no limitation in how you express yourself as an indivdidual woman.

Do my online course for women to become a whole, empowered woman:

To find the light you have to face the darkness. There is no light without darkness. The darkness is at the base, and our sexuality stems from the base.

So we have to face our sexuality and the darkness there. 

Otherwise we live in fear and the fear holds us in, keeps us small, keeps us tight. It prevents us from sharing our energy with others, with the world, with ourselves. 

That energy is a positive thing. That energy is our power, it’s our magnificence, it’s our light. We need to free it and let it flow. 

Then our light will shine and we will find the light, we will be the light.

I opened up the morning’s paper to see yet another political ‘scandal’. In this case the parliamentary Minister was caught going to a gay sex club. In disgrace the Minister steps down, his professional and private life in ruins as his despicable behaviour is plastered across the front pages of the country’s newspapers.
 
  His heinous sin? Liking to watch men have sex. Possibly even liking to have sex with men.
 
 Gosh, he couldn’t possibly function in his role as a politician with this dreadful tendency...
 
  Now, I might be a little biased here, because my life is devoted to helping people have a happy and fulfilling sex life. I’ve spent thousands of hours talking to people about their sex lives, so I am well aware of people’s broad range of tastes and interests. Just like food really. Some like simple food, others are gourmets, some like to try new and exotic foods and some prefer good old fashioned meat and three vegetables.
 
 In working with people, one of the main issues is helping people know and understand their interests, and helping couples reconcile differing levels and types of interests. 

Given that our society is still so pre-pubescent in it’s attitude to sex, all titter and giggle, most people are extremely confused about what’s normal, acceptable, moral, etc. “Am I normal?” is the repeated question. “Yes!” I almost inevitably reply. “I like girls, am I normal?” “I like boys, am I normal?” “I like boys and girls. Am I normal?” “Yes, yes yes!” As long as it’s between consenting adult living humans it’s ok! (There can be problematic issues around obsessiveness and compulsion, which is a different issue, although this is often exacerbated by repression stemming from our limited prurient social attitudes.)
 
 One thing that we all have in common, and which is not accepted socially, is that we are on a continuum of bisexuality. Some of us are completely heterosexual and some completely homosexual with the vast majority somewhere in-between, from mild curiosity to a desire for active engagement with both sexes. There is little space in our society for people who like it both ways. Even the gay community is wary of bisexuals and they often choose to pretend they are completely gay for better acceptance.
 
 Yet there are plenty of married men having sex with men, and many more who struggle with the desire. If you’ve ever read the heart-rending stories of men who’ve tried to suppress their desires for other men, you’ll know how deep and challenging this goes.
 
 So in a society where monogamy rules, if you have bisexual tendencies (or any sexual interests that don’t match your partners), then what do you do? Suppress those desires? That never solved anything. Open up to your partner and hope that he or she allows you to explore? Possible, and does happen, but is too threatening for most people. Or do it anyway and hope you don’t get caught? For many people, this is the only option, with devastating consequences when they are caught. Then it becomes an issues of breach of trust and all the associated relationship impacts. I’ve certainly spent many many hours working with couples around issues of infidelity and broken trust and it’s not easy.
 
 So it’s a tough one! The food analogy breaks down here. For while a vegetarian and a meat-eater can live and eat happily side by side without one needing to force the other to eat their way, sex generally requires someone else involved.
 
 Which is possibly why the internet has become so popular, because there you can engage in your sexual interests on your own. It’s interesting to speculate as to whether there would have been such a scandal if the Minister in question had been caught watching gay porn?
 
 But if real life gay sex, or gay sex watching by a married Minster is such a crime, then surely watching gay porn by a married Minister should be an equal crime? So should we therefore tap parliamentary Ministers’ computers to check on their sexual proclivities and make sure they are only engaging in ‘acceptable’ sexual activities?
 
 But who would decide on those acceptable activities? A parliamentary standing committee perhaps, and new Ministers would have to agree to abide by those sexual standards. How would we monitor their compliance? Closed circuit TV to their bedrooms? Perhaps their bodyguards could double as chaperones and report on any questionable behaviour?
 
 Or perhaps that’s all too hard and we should simply request that parliamentary members cease sexual activity all together while they are in office so that they put their focus completely on their public duties. After all, it worked for the Catholic Church…not.

A male client sent me a lovely email thanking me for teaching him a specific energy circulating technique. This is what he wrote:

Dear Jacqueline,
 
 Just want to really thank you again for the techniques you taught me… I've also been working on that circular technique you discussed with me and had my first real full success with it the other evening. I could actually feel the sensation go from the base of the penis, through the perineum, right up my back and into my head where I let it float around for a while and then down over my face (a sensation almost like fingertips gently touching my face) and then (when I decided) feeling it float down over my chest, through my belly and then ultimately back into my groin and penis. I managed to get that circular motion to repeat a few times and ultimately the resulting orgasm was absolutely sensational and left me with such a sense of whole body well-being, it was just magic. I enjoyed it so much I can't wait for my next chance :)

The exercise he’s talking about is called the Microcosmic Circuit and comes from the Taoist Sexual practices. This is a very simple description on how to do it: 

1. Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles three times and imagine energy building up in your pelvic region.
2. Breathe in and imagine the energy moving from your genitals, up your coccyx, up your spine, to the top of your head.
3. Breathe out and image the energy moving down the center of your face, through your tongue, down your neck, chest and abdomen, to rest in your center (just below your belly button).

Notes:

•  Keep your tongue on the roof of your mouth. 
•  Do nine sequences. 
•  If you feel light-headed breathe normally a couple of times between sequences. 
•  If you find it difficult to visualize the energy going all the way to the crown of your head, do it in stages: up to lower back and down, then to upper back and down, then to neck and down, then all the way to the top and down the front. 

The purpose of this exercise is to learn to move the sexual energy away from the genitals and into the whole body. Ultimately you can learn to have whole body orgasms rather than just genital orgasms. This is fantastic for men and for women. For men it has the added advantage of helping them to last longer and avoid premature ejaculation. Men can even learn to orgasm without ejaculation with this technique. It’s also very helpful in allowing better connection and intimacy with your partner. All in all, it’s a good technique to familiarize yourself with. 

Firstly, let me apologise on behalf of my profession that, in the early 21st century, we still don’t know how women’s bodies work! I find it appalling that there’s still debate over what’s in our vaginas and what effect touching various parts produces!

There is no question that most women find certain parts of their vaginas more sensitive than others. Some of these parts have been given labels and some haven’t. One area that has been given a label is the G-spot, which is generally located a couple of knuckles’ depth into the vagina on the belly side. When you feel inside yourself you’ll notice that that side of your vagina has a corrugated feel, whereas the rest is smooth. This is because what you’re feeling is the urethral sponge.
 
  The urethral sponge is a spongy material that surrounds your urethra. As you become sexually excited the urethral sponge becomes engorged with blood. It’s the urethral sponge you can feel on the belly side of your vagina, and as you become excited it protrudes further into your vagina.
 
  Many women, but not all, find that stimulation of the urethral sponge inside their vagina - i.e. stimulation of the belly side of their vagina - is highly stimulating. So focus there by fingers, dildo or penis is stimulating and can lead to orgasm. Simultaneously pressing just above your pelvic bone on the outside can add to the sensation.
 
  It’s not a specific “spot” though, and it’s not intense like a clitoris. It’s a region of engorged tissue, not a highly concentrated area of nerve endings like the clitoris. Which is probably why it feels different for different women. I suspect too, that different women’s anatomy affects the sensation. (Again, it’s sad that we still don’t know and that so little research has been done into women’s sexual anatomy and physiology).
 
  Other women find that deeper in is more arousing. A spot deep inside the vagina and also on the belly side, known as the AFE-spot (the anterior fornix erotic zone – yet another unsexy name for women’s genitalia!), has a similar effect on some women, producing intense sensation and strong orgasms.
 
  Both G-spot and AFE-spot (and possibly any other particular “spot” in your particular vagina) stimulation can lead to orgasm, and can also lead to the expulsion of fluid from the urethra. This is commonly termed “female ejaculation” and is also the subject of speculation. Fortunately this has been scientifically proven to be a fluid similar in consistency to seminal fluid that is produced by glands in the urethral sponge, similar to salivary glands, that is expelled when a woman is highly aroused. For some women this might be just a few drops, for others it can be cupfuls of liquid that “squirt” or “gush” out. The “ejaculation” is not necessarily accompanied by orgasm and may not even be noticeable to the woman.
 
  So what does this mean for you? My advice – get to know your vagina! Don’t trust the scientific community to tell you what’s going on down there, find out for yourself. Whether you’ve got a G or an AFE or XYZ spot, there are undoubtedly good bits that work specifically for you (and in combination with your partner, as different things work with different partners). Some of these good spots will increase arousal and possibly lead to more intense orgasms, with or without the expulsion of fluid. The important thing is to relax and explore and enjoy your wonderful vagina! 

There’s a beautiful quote from the Kama Sutra, which I found in Deepak Chopra’s gorgeously illustrated version:
 
Sex is a paradox. It needs the difference between man and woman, yet it reminds them that they are not different at all. In this way pleasure is the world’s great equalizer.
 
 This drew me because so much of my work relates to the masculine and feminine sexual energies. These energies are what you bring to the sex act. Yet what you feel and express matters very little between the lovers, male or female. 

I do believe the whole Mars-Venus thing is overstated, that it highlights generalized differences rather than focusing on core similarities. There are far more similarities between men and women than there are differences. Particularly if you’re having sex that is deep, connected, erotic.
 
 It is a paradox, because it is through being real and expressing your true self that you get the greatest pleasure, you can lose yourself in the sexual act and through that sexual pleasure you can find yourself.
 
 You get down to your essence, and the essence of your partner. That is neither masculine nor feminine, it just is. It’s where you can even lose that sense of self and other and merge into a greater something, or a greater nothing. Another paradox.
 
 This is where ecstasy turns spiritual, that sense of deep connection with self, with another, and ultimately with everything. Sex like this is in many ways the closest we can get to God. (No wonder the churches prevented people from experiencing good sex, they would have been well out of a job!)
 
 Our emotions, our feelings, our desires, are universal. The potential to experience and express them are also universal, if we allow ourselves to be real and true. From there flows the potential to be and feel everything. As the quote says, pleasure is the world’s great equalizer. Through ecstatic sex we can feel the everything and the nothingness of all that is. 

Why a “Black Belt” in the Bedroom?

I'm about to launch seminars for men called Black Belt in the Bedroom. Obviously the title is catchy (what man wouldn’t want to be a black belt in the bedroom?) and that’s why I’m using it, but commercial cynicism aside, there are very good reasons why I’m chosen the term “black belt”.

For a start, I am a black belt in aikido, a second level black belt in fact (about to go third level when I decided to have babies instead). I’ve also studied judo and various kung-fu styles plus done workshops on many other styles of martial arts. It’s effectively where I got my energetic training, which I now apply to sexual relations and which has the same basis as the Tantric and Taoist approaches to sexuality.

To some people the concept of a martial artist is of an aggressive violent fighter. However, it’s completely the opposite. A true warrior is not some psychomaniac, think more of the American Indian brave, the knight of old, the samurai, Mel Gibson in Braveheart… A top martial artist is completely in control, centred and flowing with the energy of the encounter. Just what sex should be. He’s not in his head thinking about what’s going on, he’s completely connected to his opponent, completely absorbed in what’s going on. He’s not following set routines or patterns, he’s creatively moving with the energy of the encounter. He’s still when he needs to be, he’s active when he needs to be, he moves how and when he needs to, completely in the moment. This is how sex should be.

Unfortunately too many men are well down among the coloured belts. Since I’ve spent countless hours talking to men about their sex lives, and to their partners, and I'm the Men’s Health Magazine sex columnist, and I’ve done so much research into sex, from the scientific to the Tantric to kink, I’ve got a pretty good idea about what makes a man a Black Belt in the Bedroom. That is a man who embodies the Four ‘C’s: he’s connected, confident, creative and in control. To get to that level, he needs to master the Five ‘S’s:

1. Self
2. Study of Woman
3. Seduction
4. Skills
5. Spice

Those are in order of importance, and also in order of difficulty. Our society tends to focus on the last couple, techniques and props, but those are actually the least important. The most important is the knowledge of self, and the ability to be centred and able to take a step back to hold the space for the woman. The next is knowledge of woman, particularly his partner, understanding her not just physically, but also psychologically and energetically. Then there is the art of seduction, which is not just for new lovers, but is an on-going never-ending part of relationship. Then the sex skills come in, manual, oral and penile, and finally ways to spice up and expand your sexual repertoire.

Now that’s not all going to happen from one three-hour seminar! But it will help you along the way. It does take application. The master of any art, whether it’s a martial art or other sport, painting, cooking, woodwork, whatever, is completely dedicated. It’s the same with mastering the Art of Sex.

Learn the Art of Sexual Mastery with my online course for men Black Belt in Bedroom! Click on the image to find out more.