There are three important points to understand about conflict: 

1. Conflict is a perfectly normal part of a relationship. It’s impossible for two people to be so alike that they share exactly the same views and values and feelings as their partner. In fact, if there isn’t any conflict in your relationship, there’s something fishy going on: it could be that there’s a strong power play where one person’s view has precedence over the others, or maybe you’re simply avoiding issues so as to avoid ‘conflict’. 
2. Not all apparent conflict is actually a conflict. Sometimes it’s just like a drunk shadow-boxing in a bar - you don’t have to get involved. Just because your partner is flustered or even angry, it doesn’t mean you have to engage in a fight. So, if your partner says or does something that makes you feel you’ve got a conflict on your hands, check in with yourself first to determine whether you really do need to get involved. 
3. If it really is a conflict, a point of disagreement or misunderstanding between the two of you, this is not necessarily a bad thing. Difference is good, it can be a source of creative energy that can make your relationship better and more interesting. And it certainly doesn’t have to escalate into a fight.

So, how do we use difference creatively, rather than destructively?... 

Any interchange between people has a flow of energy. If you have opposing views and try to block the energy between you, you’ll either have a stalemate or the stronger person will win, neither of which is a good outcome. So, try not to block that energy by being stubborn or rigid. Be open to it and see where it takes you. Flow with it, but don’t be swept away. Accept the direction the discussion takes and explore it.
 
To be able to let the energies flow it’s important that you’re strong within yourself. The ancient Chinese text “The Art of War” states that the fiercest enemy is one who is not afraid to die. What this means in a modern context is that if you're not attached to an outcome, you can’t be hurt. If you’re fixed on a certain outcome, or if you’re fearful of a negative response, you’re vulnerable. But when you stay open to your partner’s opinions, you actually hear your partner. This keeps both of you calmer, so you can be flexible, and you’re much more likely to manage the interaction smoothly and have a satisfactory outcome.
 
 In practical terms, this means: 

1. Maintain an attitude of curiosity and openness.
2. Seek clarity of feelings, views and options. Aim for mutual understanding.
3. Stick to the point, avoid dragging in other issues or past events. Be concise and specific.
4. Avoid escalating the problem with criticism. Be honest but tactful.
5. Try to keep it light but not flippant or sarcastic, which can appear disrespectful.
6. Be willing to compromise. Don’t give in, but don’t be stubborn, co-create a happy medium. Remember that it’s more important to be happy than to be ‘right’. If you’re not ‘right’ it doesn’t mean you’re ‘wrong’. Your relationship is not a competition; you’re on the same team!

It's also important that you know your own anger style - what your buttons are, what sets you off. You need to know your “red flags” so you can be prepared if they arise. And keep in mind that your anger response might not necessarily be ranting and raving, it could be clamming up and refusing to discuss an issue, which is just as ineffective as yelling.
 
 And always be prepared to say you’re sorry. The genuine apology is a Noble Quality, and a major tool in a smooth life. 

One of the main reasons women don’t reach their orgasmic potential, and why men miss out on the pleasure of their woman reaching that level, is that they go too far too soon.
 
 A woman’s body opens in stages. If you rush the process, she won’t be able to get there. If you kiss her before she’s ready, she won’t like it. If you touch her breasts before she’s ready, she’ll be repulsed and feel like you’re groping her. If you get genital before she’s ready it will feel unpleasant, even painful, and if you enter her before she’s ready she’ll feel used/abused/bored/in pain/contemptuous, or any number of negative emotions far from the ecstatic pleasure that her man is hoping for.
 
 Women do not have an on/off button. The clitoris is not for turning a woman on, she must be aroused before you get genital with her. A woman needs to progress in stages.

Firstly, you need to have a good connection, be getting on well, with her feeling relaxed and enjoying her man’s company.
 
 Then you can kiss her, if her head and mouth are moving towards you.
 
 If the kiss is doing its work, her breasts will rise and move towards you. That’s the sign she wants her breasts caressed.
 
 If she’s enjoying the kissing and caressing (with the caressing extending to other non-genital parts of the body - shoulders, lower back, buttocks, thighs and more) then her pelvis will start moving and she’ll be ready for genital touch.
 
 If the genital touch is good, she’ll be getting aroused enough to want her man’s cock inside her. She’ll be aching for it. Her legs will be apart and hips pressing up. She’ll be wanting him to enter her warm, moist depths. Then, and only then, should the penis enter the vagina.
 
 Women as much as men rush the process, thinking that all the preliminaries are not needed, or there’s something wrong with her if she needs lots of lead up. There isn’t, it’s normal. And in fact, it’s all the warming up that’s the good bit! The intercourse is simply part of the wider range of pleasurable and ecstatic activities you can do and sensations you can feel.
 
 It’s fantastic for the man too. Men love warming their woman up, they love the sensual and connecting parts of sex. Every man I’ve ever spoken to (and I’ve spoken to countless men in intimate detail) has said that the best part of sex is getting his woman off, giving her pleasure. So, for both of you to have exquisite pleasure, make sure you pace it to match her arousal. It is so worth it.

Breathing (like sex) is one of things we do in life that is considered ‘natural’ and so we believe it should function automatically without any attention or conscious effort on our part.

However, without this attention, breathing (like sex) generally worsens over time, becoming less effective and therefore less supportive to your health and wellbeing.

When we are little babies, we naturally breathe deep into our torsos, down into our bellies. When a baby is lying on its back you can see it’s little tummy going up and down as it breathes in and out. As we get older though, our breathing tends to get shallower and shallower. With some people their breathing gets so shallow that they are barely breathing lower than their shoulders, barely using their lungs at all. For the great majority of people the breath doesn’t get much lower than that, just the upper chest is used to breathe.

Take a moment to observe how deeply into your torso you breathe. Is it the upper chest, the full diaphragm? Or is your breath going deep into your belly, so you can see your abdomen rising with the in breath and falling with the out breath?

The more shallowly you breathe, the more anxious you feel, and vice versa.

Breathing into your belly has so many benefits:

When your lover is in absentia, it opens up wonderful possibilities for ‘distance sex’. With the range of technologies available these days, there’s no need to go celibate simply because your loved one’s not lying-in bed next to you. In fact, absence can not only make the heart grow fonder, but it can also make the loins grow hotter!
 
 So here are some pointers.

Keep it Real 
 
 Just because you’re talking sex with your lover, doesn’t mean you have to go all slutty and dirty like the paid phone sex girls - unless that’s your thing! If you think you have to be something other than who you really are, then you’re going to feel awkward and it’s not going to feel good for either of you. So be yourself - mostly…
 
Push it a Little 
 
 Having said that, this is your opportunity to play and fantasise. I’ve had clients make amazing strides forward in opening to each other, by being playful in their phone/email/skype/text sex. You can start to push your comfort zones a little, because it’s safe, it’s just words!
 
Start Simple 
 
 If you’re wondering how to start, keep it simple. A comment like: “I was thinking about you last night in bed…” could be enough to get things going if your partner replies with: “Oh, yes, and what were you thinking…” From there you can start to describe something fairly normal for you, such as: “I was thinking how wonderful it feels when you caress my skin…” Then continue describing something that you regularly do and would like to be doing with your partner or describe some particularly good sex that you have had in the past.
 
Get Creative
 
 Once you’re comfortable with the general idea of talking about sex and describing sex with your partner, then you can start getting creative. You can ask each other questions such as: 

• ‘What’s one thing we haven’t done that you’d like to do?’ 
• ‘What’s something you’d like to do with me that you wish you (or I) were brave enough?’ 
• ‘What’s something you wouldn’t actually want to do in real life, but the thought of it turns you on?’ 

Once you’ve got the germ of an idea, play with it. Put yourself in that situation and imagine how it might be.
 
The World’s Your Oyster 
 
 In fact, you might find it easier to be totally in fantasy land. Pretend you’re in another age, or another culture, even another planet! What periods of history do you find sexiest? Perhaps a book or movie has inspired you. Could you be a pirate queen with her captive, the sultan or chief courtesan in a Turkish harem, lords, and ladies in the court of King Louis, slaves or guests at an orgy in Roman times…? The possibilities are endless. Start describing any of these scenarios to your partner and see where it takes you!
 
Get Your Partner Involved 
 
 You don’t have to do all the work! Ask your partner questions along the way, get them to suggest what they’d like or how they’d like the conversation to go. That makes it twice the fun!
 
Keep it Light 
 
 If the conversation starts going in a direction you don’t feel comfortable with, don’t panic! Let your partner know that that’s enough for the time being, to be continued later. Or steer the conversation back in a direction you do feel comfortable with. You can always start with: “Oh, I don’t think so! I think this might happen…” Keep it light, keep it playful.
 
Don’t Take Anything Personally 
 
 Importantly, if your partner says anything that upsets you, don’t turn nasty and take it out on your partner. You need to realise that you’re both playing with your boundaries here, you’re both testing ideas and thoughts, it’s as much a learning experience as a sexual experience.
 
Cheat 
 
 If you’re really stuck with what to say, get a book of erotica and read one of the short stories to your partner. That could be enough in itself or be the basis of further discussion….
 
 Like anything, it can be awkward to get started, but you get better with practice. You’ll probably surprise yourself with just how creative you can get! 

Sex is the one thing in life we seem to think should just happen “naturally” without any focused attention and study. This is completely absurd, and one of the reasons why people don’t have good sex lives! 

The only “natural” part of sex is the basic putting-penis-into-vagina, which anyone can manage with a modicum of bumbling and fumbling around. To do any more than that requires application and research.
 
 Yes, research - trying things out, exploring, making mistakes, being creative, and discussing what you’re discovering.
 
 I take my research seriously. As my partner said to me with a mock pout not long after we got together: “I’m just a guinea-pig to you, aren’t I?” I had to agree it was true to an extent. I want to know what he’s doing when it feels good to me, what I’m doing when it feels good to him, how it feels with subtle changes and different approaches. This is how we get to know each other’s bodies, arousal, and eroticism. Without that we’d just be thrashing around in the dark.
 
 I tell my clients and workshop participants, get down and have a good look at your genitals and your partner’s genitals. Go for an exploration, with sensual touch of course, and get to know your genitals thoroughly. Get to know what feels good, where, and how. Get to know how the feeling changes with different states of arousal. Explore different feelings and sensations. Find different ways to get to orgasm and experience different types of orgasm.
 
 Ideally your early sexual experiences would have had a strong element of natural curiosity (fortunately mine did, I was blessed with a wonderful young lover). You would have been two young people exploring and discovering with gentleness and opening to the full potential of their sexuality. Then you would have carried this sense of curiosity throughout your lives, constantly seeking to explore and discover your partner and find ever more wonderful ways of connecting.
 
 Unfortunately, most people’s early sexual experiences were nowhere near as tender and beautiful as this. More likely they had the opposite effect, shutting people down early on and making them reluctant to expand.
 
 Even if it did start well, you can easily fall into the know-each-other-too-well syndrome, where you get locked into views of each other and feel there’s nothing more to explore. You accept that you’re just the way you are and sex is going to be just the way it is (which usually means it gets gradually worse over time).
 
 Worse still, and so common, is that people lose their sense of self in the relationship and can no longer
 push their boundaries for fear of the other’s reaction. This more than anything keeps people locked into routine sex: “I’m not going to say or do anything for fear of how my partner might respond!”
 
 But you have to do your research, and you have to discuss what you find with each other - unless you’re single and doing solo sex research, which is also very important. That means talking about it, as you do it and after you do it.
 
 Considering your sexual experimentation as “research” can make it easier to do and easier to discuss. If you know you’re experimenting, then it matters less if you “fail”, in fact, finding what doesn’t work or feel good is just as important as finding out what does.
 
 It’s a collaborative project, team-work, you’re both on the same side seeking the same outcomes. With this approach, you can’t get it wrong.
 
 And you know what? It’s fun! 

Do you love unconditionally, or are there conditions to your love? You might have some romantic illusion that your love is pure, but really, it probably comes with a lot of strings attached. “I will love you if you love me” is the most obvious. Then there is: “I will love you if you are nice to me”, “I will love you if you share my values and beliefs”, “I will love you if you agree with me”, “I will love you if you validate me”.
 
 You might think you love the other person, but are there these requirements that come along with it? Do you really love the other person for who they are and who they’ve become over your time together? Or do you love your version of who you’d like them to be, or who you’ve convinced yourself they are? Do they need to fit some image of who you think or want your partner to be?
 
 What are these conditions based on? Generally, fear. The inability to validate yourself creates a need to have the other validate you, to make you feel ok about yourself and your own values, beliefs, and world view. 

This conditional loving commonly goes both ways. Both partners have entered into an unwritten agreement that they will validate the other so that their unit stands strong. Neither will risk upsetting the other by challenging their norm or challenging these unwritten conditions they’ve both ascribed to.
 
 Until things go pear-shaped. And the reality that they are both living in a fantasy world that they both adhered to becomes apparent. One or both becomes so miserable that they just can’t do it any longer. The pretence is too hard. They feel too stifled or too unappreciated, too used or too abused. This will present as some kind of crisis - a health breakdown, mental breakdown, an affair, a mid-life crisis, a major change in behaviour, a complete withdrawal, walking out on the relationship seemingly out of nowhere…
 
 When this happens you have three choices:
 
 1. Separate and take your dysfunctions out into a new relationship, feeling bitter and twisted about the one you just left;
 
 2. Stay in the relationship and flat-line, not addressing the issues, covering them up and pretending everything’s ok (until the next crisis emerges);
 
 3. Learn to self-validate.
 
 Most people choose the first two options. They are the easier ones.
 
 I recommend the third. It’s hard though, hence the benefit in having someone like me help you with it. To start, you must be able to examine yourself so openly and honestly that you can know and accept your flaws, and your strengths, and know that your world view is simply that, yours. The next is to be able to accept the reality of your partner in their entirety, warts and all. That requires open, honest and real communication. Genuine sharing - and this is the most important point of all - without needing them to validate you. That means you don’t get defensive, you don’t tell them they’re wrong, you listen and feel and accept with a completely open heart. Don’t get me wrong, this is not easy. But it’s the only way that two people can be real with each other and thereby grow as individuals and as a couple. No defences, genuine meeting.
 
 If in doing this you realise that the other person is not for you, or you’re not for them, then fine, you end the relationship with maturity and love and walk away as a whole person, not one desperately seeking validation elsewhere.
 
 This is the beauty of relationship. David Schnarch calls it ‘the sexual crucible’, it’s how relationship allows you to grow, if you let it, if you’re willing to do the work.
 
 Otherwise, be bitter, or flat-line. It’s your choice. It’s all your choice, once you realise it’s your choice. You don’t have to bind another to you with conditional love, and you don’t have to be bound by it.
 
 You can both love unconditionally. You can both be free. If you're brave enough.
 
 And need I say, sex within an unconditionally loving relationship is far far better as you can both let yourselves go with realness and genuine passion. 

I ran a Tantra workshop last night, here on a permaculture farm in northern Thailand.
 
 It was magical. The fact that the lights blew just as we started, and we had to rely on candles added to the magic.
 
 Twenty of us sat in a circle, alternating men and women, in the open-aired pergola which is the hub of the farm. The night was still, and the candles cast a soft flickering light around the group.

To bond the group, we shared yellow energy from our left ears, passing it through to the right ear of the person on our left, till the whole group was connected through our ears by this yellow energy.
 
 We then moved into breath work. This is the basis of all energetic and spiritual work, sexual or otherwise. Bringing your breath deeper into your torso, so you’re breathing with your belly, is fundamental to linking your entire body and being able to circulate energy freely.
 
 Then we worked our pelvic floor muscles. This girdle of muscle in our pelvis needs to be toned to keep us strong physically and to be able to move energy.
 
 From there we practiced moving energy, circulating it around our bodies, following the Microcosmic Circuit. Using breath, the pelvic floor, and an uncluttered mind, this is a powerful way to move energy around the body, keeping it charged up and vital.
 
 Next, we focused on our chakras, with a guided meditation to identify and feel them, then to breathe to each using the Flute Breath.
 
 Once everyone was breathing freely and the energy flowing internally, we did partner work. First, a fire breath kneeling and facing each other. This is the one which often gets people going into a whole-body energetic orgasm. No-one overtly did this time, although one couple told me they had to stop for fear of embarrassing themselves, and a few others were clearly shaking and trembling, if without the accompanying sounds.
 
 A calmer exercise followed, to sit cross-legged facing each other and touch each other’s heart chakras, and lower chakras (couples who were actually lovers touched the base chakra, pairs who weren’t touched the second chakra), circulating love energy and sexual energy.
 
 Finally, we stood and held hands. The women circulated their love energy from their heart chakras, down their left arm and into the person on their left’s right arm; the men circulated their sexual energy from their sexual chakras up their torso and down their left arm, so that both energies merged and flowed around the circle. Then we swapped. Then we circulated both love and sexual energy within our bodies and around the circle, hands touching, then slightly apart.
 
 I had to stop there as I was about to go into a full-blown energy orgasm - pure ecstasy!
 
 Wonderful stuff!
 
 As I said to the group, this is permaculture on the inside. They were there studying how to harmonise the world on the outside, this is how to harmonise themselves on the inside.
 
 This is how we will transform the world, inside and out. 

There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin:
 
"There came a day when the flower realized that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming. “
 
 That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and to allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly. 

Our sexuality is one area where many people aren’t open and honest and true to themselves. No matter how much personal development work they’ve done, if they’ve missed out this crucial part of themselves, then they’re never going to be whole and real.
 
 You see, true sexual expression comes from a very deep part of ourselves, it’s probably the part of ourselves that is truer than any other part. Many people think our sexuality is part of our lower, animal side. I beg to disagree. I believe our sexuality is part of our higher human side, along with creativity and art and music and all those attributes of being human that come from higher evolution and bigger brain and more complex and meaningful existence. And just as to tap into and express ourselves in those other areas of humanity, so it’s important that we tap into the authenticity of our sexual selves.
 
 And this authenticity is tricky in a society that’s so juvenile in its approach to sex – more giggle and snicker than expression and growth.
 
 So, if you’re on this journey, you’ve got to get past all the myths and crap in society around sex. Get over the limiting beliefs and lack of permissions, toss out the “should”s and “shouldn’t”s. Get informed, get creative, and get transformed!
 
 Again, this is tricky in a society that has so little real sex education and inspiring sexual information. So, in my own little way I try to start the ripples that will turn into waves that will help turn our society into one where sex has its rightful place and people feel and express the love. Getting back to my opening line, I see in the workshops people opening to possibility and realness. It’s so good. I love my work. I’m a small drop calling for sexual expression and sexual authenticity in an ocean of sexual repression and sexual distortion, but every little bit counts. And what counts is you.
 
 The change starts with you.
 
 Ponder deeply on that, then start to express yourself freely. Feel the love; feel the pleasure; live the ecstasy. 

In case you need convincing, here are twelve benefits of sex: